Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

This sounds really tough OP. The only issue is that she is not stupid and will realise you lied to get out of staying there if you say something later....

I think you're mean/spineless not to have been honest with her.
She obviously needs someone to tell her and that may as well be a friend.

"Listen friend we were really looking forward to spending time with you and staying the night but I don't think you've noticed the state of your house. We wouldn't feel comfortable staying here the way it is now. I'm a bit worried about you, are you OK?"

DD and her partner live in filth and the awful smell in their flat is all over them.

And she invited you to stay? 😱

OMG I know a couple of people like this.

The worst one is our friend and his new wife. When he was married to wife no. 1 the place was immaculate and nicely furnished. Then when he remarried he invited us over. I got to know his new wife before they married on nights out. She is probably the best dressed, most polished person I have ever met. Beautiful designer/ high street mix clothes, gorgeous hair and makeup, designer bag and nails done. I am talking uber groomed.

We went round to their house and I walked in. Loads of shit on the floor, newspapers piled high, boxes everywhere. I asked if they had just moved, apparently not, been there years. Sat on the sofa, got a snickers wrapper stuck to my arse, brown stained cups. I went to the bathroom and there was crap all over the floor, laundry spewing out of the basket with knickers with sanitary pads all over the floor. Then I washed my hands in the stained sink, dried my hands on a bit of rag and admired the Chanel nail varnishes and lipsticks and the Tom Ford perfume on show.

Not blaming her, he can clean too, but the place was minging.

It sounds as if your friend is clinically depressed, which can lead to giving up on housework etc. Take them out for a meal, catch up and see what you can do to help. What about offering to hoover? Change beds, empty the litter tray, etc. for her. It sounds as if she badly needs help. What she does not need is social services on her back and being accused of child neglect. Do you know her DH? Is it possible to suggest to him that your friend is depressed? Perhaps he is totally unaware his DW is unwell, and just sees an untidy house.

Have a gentle talk with her OP , offer help and support . Please do remove the post as well - it’s really identifying. She will be mortified to be shamed like this.

Because doctors should have a more than basic understanding of diseases caused by dirty living conditions.
Toxoplasmosis from cat faeces, scabies, bacterial food poisoning from dirty cooking and food prep areas just off the top of my head.
I’ve seen women ( always the women) scrubbing their homes without the luxury of electricity, running water and modern equipment because they know cleanliness supports good health. And they want their kids to be healthy.

I agree that you need to tell her that you can't stay there because you don't feel comfortable with the level of mess.

I also agree that what you're describing with children in the house is neglect of their need for safety, a healthy environment and emotional/social development. It would need contact with social services.

It's going to be hurtful but I think it is absolutely necessary. Her children are living like that every day. It needs to change and she may need to be helped by social services to make that change.

This, too.

Glad you won’t be staying OP.

I’d really encourage people in these situations to not make up lies or fake vomit in bushes (bizarre). You’re an adult and your friend is an adult, and there are children here. It’s best to be honest as soon as possible about things like this.

There is nothing wrong with approaching your friend in the moment and expressing your shock. It is not normal to have zero floor space in a bedroom and mold growing in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter how upset and embarrassed your friend gets.

Erm, to avoid upsetting her friend any more than necessary?

(I'm not suggesting she stays, btw, or that she shouldn't say anything - merely that there's nothing wrong with handling this as sensitively as possible.)

is this perchance near Peckham Rye Park?

Honestly I’d just tell her the truth , that you’re a bit shocked at the house and don’t feel comfortable staying - it doesn’t sound like you are particularly close so if she is offended then no big deal. I would suggest once your trip is over you could help her to get a grip on the house maybe ?

Pet allergy, definitely. Apologise, take them all out for a meal, lovely to see you, thanks for kind offer, then leg it to the nearest Travelodge.

I wonder if it's per person or per night?

Feel for you. I had similar, but it was an excess of cats/litter trays that was the utter filth/stench

I stayed one night then checked into a hotel for remainder of stay, citing little one's cold/cough that kept my host awake, and didn't want to impose on them.

what? the duty is to the children- not her!!!

exactly, but if you read the post I was referring to it was implying that as she was a doctor she couldn't be being neglectful and would know to change a litter tray without being told!

Get out of there fast, there's no way in a billion years I'd stay on a rubbish tip and I feel sorry for her cats too having to live in such disgusting filth.

No matter what her excuses or reasons, there's absolutely NO reason for her repulsive behavior.

As pp have mentioned, some people live in utter squalor yet manage to turn out immaculately groomed and dressed daily. I have no idea how they manage this but have noticed it several times.

Tell her the house is a shithole and you can't bare to stay there. Thanks for the offer but no thanks. Maybe it might kick her up the arse to sort it out.

PP seem to be a bit shocked that doctors live in this state. I used to be a cleaner and honestly, the worst houses were that of doctors and dentists.

This

Sorry, just read your update, OP, glad you managed to get sorted.