Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

No. As as been posted multiple times, that is how they live and they are not in the least bothered.

100% agree. Some will be of course but not as part of their day to day working.

But - as I'm sure has been said numerous times - if this were an unemployed or minimum wage couple on a council estate people wouldn't hesitate to call SS. Why is it different because they're doctors? There is such a thing as "affluent neglect" and SW's are trained to look out for this, as it often gets dismissed.

Although it's got a bit heated, what the arguing posters are highlighting here, is how hierarchical structures can alter peoples perceptions of what is or isn't acceptable according to the wealth, class, or education of those doing it and their proximity to those factors.

Doctor = science based training.
SW = a mush of sociological type study based training
Most parents = no training - basic common bloody sense.

You don't need to understand attachment theory, biomes, the latest research or anything else to know as a minimum:
Stinking house = not good for kids or adults ability to have friends round.

Cat shit everywhere = not good for kids social lives, or cats comfort.
Moldy stuff all over kitchen = friends of all ages not keen to stay for food.

If you know and just don't care, (as opposed to overwhelmed or struggling with MH) then don't tell me how much you love and care for your kids, cats or friends. They are all just add on's to your ego whether you have a PHD or an ASBO,

Thank you. It is obvious neglect and regardless of the reasons or circumstances an assessment needs to be done to protect the children and a plan out in place to ensure the house is at a basic acceptable level of cleanliness.

Bet your brother and SIL didn't have plates growing mould in the sink or cat poo everywhere though. They just sound a little bit messy, a far cry from what the OP has described.

The person you're responding to sounds like one of those conspiracy nut jobs you see on social media who accuse SW's of being "child snatchers" and all kinds of other rubbish

Thanks. And in reality the children here are highly unlikely to be removed. Worst case put into a kinship placement until the house sorted and then parents supported in a variety of ways to maintain it! Not entirely sure what the issue with this is when it is in the children’s best interest.

Agreed. Filth and poverty have nothing to do with each other, which the whole OP shows. Soap and water costs next to nothing.

Did she mention the mess? Be apologetic about it? My place has been verging on disgusting levels of unclean plus cluttered recently due to severe ill health, so there are reasons for standards slipping quite majorly. I was aware of it tho, and did not have guests until I’d fixed the situation. It feels strange if she hasn’t acknowledged it.

Totally.

My mother is quite well off (much better off than me) has had loads of renovations and an extension on her very recently downsized (from 4 bed) to 3 bed all to herself. She needed to do this as the new 3 bed didn't have enough room for her ( she lives alone).
She still manages to cover every work surface in the kitchen with shit and grime and the bedrooms are piled high with shit as is the attic and any other space.

I hate going there as she always forces us to eat dinner when we go. Crumbs and food laying around on the floor, dirty dishes from days before and old food.

That's the difference. You are aware and you have reasons for your house being this way.
My mum is in total denial and if we mention us, she gets upset and stops talking to us as if we're being mean or attacking her.
We've tried dropping hints for years but no, she's in the right and there's nothing wrong with her house.

On my last visit, she set fire on a tea towel covering the gas hob she'd just lighted. Luckily my brother was there too and was able to put it out but it was very dangerous.
She's also partially sighted and always tripping over her stuff she leaves around everywhere.
It's a worry but she will not accept it so there's not much we can do.

Yes poverty and housework are not linked. IME it’s actually ostensibly wealthier types who often live in homes that “get away on them.” Think semi state-lies with rising damp, leaky roof tiles, dust, rooms that smell of dog before you walk in etc. Many of these homes were built to be run by servants and are not fully sustainable these days by a family set up with perhaps a cleaner.

I grew up staying sometimes with friends in these sorts of homes. It can feel a bit ick; but honestly none of them have grown up with health issues, mental or otherwise, from it. They are actually robust types with real joie de vivre.

I do however accept there is very much such a thing as affluent neglect. However IME this has been more emotional neglect - and often a case of major pressure on dcs to perform to a certain level, gain entry to certain schools etc. This tends not to be a messy house style family. On the contrary, it’s the immaculate perfectionists, the “ not a designer cushion unplumped or out of place type - often with wealth being new to their generation.

So neglect is rife and in so many forms. I think it’s an issue that requires a fully holistic assessment and you can’t just trigger off a post that mentions overflowing litter tray etc - especially when you haven’t met the families in question or even witnessed the set up.

Have your hubby call saying you need to come home, a leak or something in the house ? Anything 😂

I dunno how I feel ,but calling the SS. that's a low blow if the person has issues encourage them to go to the docs, and get a referral to a community mental health team, plus social workers are as subtle as brick , and would probably tell who made the allegations, if you're ok with reprisals?!

@Serrina if someone genuinely has hoarding/mental health issues, then saying soap and water costs next to nothing isn't accurate in today's climate, obviously they need assistance from their local GP who will signpost to a community mental health team, as SS, Like everyone is over stretched, without knowing the person, the other person could be exaggerating or anything , however if help is clearly needed, they need compassion and understanding

Cat allergy alert ⚠️ book you and yours into a hotel.

Exactly the point I was making - we haven't seen it with our own eyes, the friend could be exaggerating, however if its clear help is needed, then encourage them to get a docs appointment maybe go with them, push the doc to get a referral to mental health services, but all those are overburdened etc

If it's really that bad, children's services should be made aware. Though not intentional, that environment is a form of neglect, and neglect is in turn a type of abuse. Inform them, children shouldn't live like that.

I was referring to the poverty correlation, not MH. And soap and water really does cost next to nothing, you can get a bottle of washing up liquid and some bleach for less than £1. A bucket of water costs £0.

A sit down with your friend where you talk to her, gently, tell her the truth that you can't stay as the place is really dirty and smelly and you are concerned about yours and their welfare. Offer any help you can give. Sounds as if she may have mental health issues. Be kind

If she's a good friend then I actually think you should have an honest conversation with her, has she always lived like this or could she be struggling at the moment? Explain that you can't stay the night and why, then she how she reacts. She might be really struggling and desperate for someone to help her but not sure who/how to ask for help. It's not safe for her kids to live in that kind of environment so having a conversation with her might be the catalyst for change. What kind of shit is on the bed BTW?!

I think it’s clothes and toys on the beds.

Your friend may have mental health problems and need help.

Family first before friends feelings. Book the hotel and get outta there!