Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Book in a hotel then.

I'm not reading 21 pages, just OP updates and some PPs. Glad it's resolved but I'll be honest, it sounds like there's an element of you being a bit judgemental (I would never send photos of someone else's messy house without their knowledge. That was very rude. You've also posted in quite identifying detail) and them letting things get out of hand, probably partly due to busy lives.

By all means speak to your friend to find out whether she is coping well but please don't take the suggestions about ringing SS off the bat.

Also please don't gossip to mutual friends.
If she's struggling and this is a new state of affairs that isn't ok.

Perhaps approach it by calling and asking 'i just wanted to ask whether everything is ok? The last thing I want you to feel is judged. And of course I wasn't going round with a white glove checking surfaces, I've certainly no place doing that! but I did notice the house looking quite different to where you lived before. I know how much you've got on your plate. How is everything since the move?'

Don't get me wrong. I believe your description and I'm not saying it's ok to bring kids up in cat shit and mould.

it's the impression you give from your posts that suggests you might not handle this with tact. If you have different ideas of tidiness anyway there's a chance you caught her at a really low ebb re cat boxes, washing up etc and it is usually a more manageable level of untidiness. If it's a good friend, the kids and cats seemed well cared for and youve never had concerns before I wouldn't go rushing into SS calls or friendship ending conversations saying how you wouldn't stay there.

Book in a hotel.

Oh dear. A cat allergy sounds like a great escape plan!! I'd rather sleep in my car if you can't find a hotel room

I think you've posted on the wrong thread . . . everyone else is discussing dirty houses . . . .

Hope you left.

Hasn’t occurred to you at all, that 22 pages in, the thread may just have moved on?

I'm not sure what I'd do here. But I know what I wouldn't do - call SS behind this friend's back, certainly not without speaking to her first/trying to get more information on the context etc.

If we had a close mutual friend - and I was so terribly concerned about someone I was considering ringing Social Services, for crying out loud - I would also try to reach out to that person to see if they knew what was up with the mutual friend. There's gathering information before doing something quite drastic/extreme and then there's gossip. It's reasonable to feel you need to know more from an informed source. If it ever got back to that person you could explain the decision to raise it in that context.

Pleased it is sorted! I couldn't have stayed either, just grim. What happened to standards?

I found out far too late that my dentist lived in a house just like this….how many times did he have his hands in my mouth….though, breath…he would be wearing gloves😉

My brother's house was like this when he had kids - the kids are all fully grown now - 3 kids, wife was a brilliant artist, he worked long hours in the city. Both parents spent a lot of time with the children, talking to them, taking them away on holidays, spending time together at home, etc. My brother was a really good cook but didn't see the need to wash up, they were both very funny and had people over all the timeThe kids had good clothes. So it all sounds quite similar. It hacked me off but they were absolutely set in their ways, and the kids were amazing as kids and as adults are all following their passions with their careers, lots of friends, good social lives (not sure about state of their houses!). I think that it is probably true both that the children were happy with everything in their life other than the state of their house - they would have preferred a tidier house - but that any SS involvement would have not helped at all on any level.

Child development research indicates that the one key thing necessary for children to thrive is love/connection - having someone who knows you, loves you, understands you, talks to you, supports you with problems, supports you with your passions etc. The second thing is a mix of high expectations of your child in terms of behaviour and school work with high levels of support. I have not seen research about the link between messy houses in childhood and bad mental health in adults - and perhaps one of the posters who say that there is lots of evidence could link some (such as @Janedoe82 - can you link actual research as opposed to articles?). I think this is because with mess and filth at home, there are going to be variables - if the parents are otherwise engaged with the children and meeting emotional and physical needs, this is a far cry from not cleaning because the parent has MH problems or high or drunk. Also, mess affects some personality types more than others.

The other thing to note here is that doctors are scientists - and SWs are not scientists - doctors deal with illness and life and death and they are going to be aware of risks, and they are also more likely to be aware of up to date child development research. I realise that the SWs on the thread will be clutching their pearls as they read this, but I think it to be true. Child protection policies in the UK are not in accordance with up-to-date child development research - some of the policies haven't changed since the 1970s.

So going back to the risks in this house - as long as mould isn't served up to dc, and plates are washed before putting food on them (as happened at my brother's) then the physical impact from a scientific and rational point of view is low, however grim it may seems to most of us. Same for the comments about toxoplasmosis - if your toddler has ever played on a beach or in mud or in the park or your garden, chances are they will have been exposed to serious levels of germs including toxo and including super bugs. Unless you hover over them all the time and try to wash the sand or mud before they play, they are being exposed to serious germs. Children in house where there are overflowing litter trays will be aware to stay away from them.

I am not defending messy or filthy homes at all, incidentally. In an ideal world there would be the love and connection and the lovely clean home too.

Someone said upthread that if SS were involved, the children would not be removed. In fact, this would depend on how things went, on the individual social worker and their manager. The threat of removal would loom large however and would cause high levels of stress - stress between parents is not good for children either and can cause crises and all this could lead to long term MH problems just as mess could.

And if you are concerned about MH of children, we know that screen time, iphones, violent and oversexualised video games and books, unfettered access to social media are utterly, utterly disastrous for children. Yet it continues and i would bet that half the posters on here shrieking "report" will allow their dc the above so that they "fit in" with other kids. I think dealing with the above issues and other horrendous things facing our kids re grooming, drugs, gangs, are more important than mould on dishes overflowing litter trays - even though those things are not good either - if I were the OP I would suggest to the friend friend that she should get a cleaner.

It really doesn’t matter what the reasons are for the house being messy!!! The outcome is the same and it isn’t acceptable and needs a proper investigation. Not a bit of hear say from friends who only know a bit of the picture.

I didn’t gossip with a mutual friend. It was an exchange of about 5 text messages when I asked if when she stayed at their house l, was everything okay as it was messy. There was no gossip. She said all was fine, they were just messy, I wouldn’t have noticed as when I knew them where we used to live, they moved rentals a few times so it never built up. But prior to that, they had lived in an absolute state since uni days, it’s just who they are.

They aren’t depressed, her husband isn’t a nob, they are just really bloody messy and don’t care.

And for the last time, it wasn’t some cry for help. I mentioned where we were going and she was like, “omg, you are passing right by us, come up a day early and the kids can have a sleep over and catch up.”

I am not the only person who thinks it’s horrible. Other friends have told them and refused to stay. They don’t care! They are happy and apparently, would rather spend time and money on going away. They don’t care that they live in a massive mess.

They have other friends and family. They are always posting on FB about family coming over, seeing friends. I am sure if any of them had major concerns about neglect, mental health or anything else, especially their parents, they would have stepped at some point over the last couple of decades.

I am not going to talk to her about it - I’ve been told they are just messy and all is fine by someone who is much closer to them and has known them a lot longer than I have.

and of course I sent dh a photo. He was asking how bad it was that I wanted to get out of there and fork out for a hotel, so I showed him an example.

You think doctors- any doctor- is more likely to be up to date on child development research than a child protection social worker???? I mean I am sure as they obviously intellectually superior as you seem to think not only keeping up their CPD on their specialism such as urology or geriatrics making sure they know what is happening in the world of child development. Catch yourself on and get your head out of your arse.

Also- a family member is a very senior doctor. His baby almost died- didn’t realise they had sepsis. It was a lowly HV that realised. Honestly

It does matter because my approach might be different in what I said to the friend in question. I haven't read all of your posts but are you saying your first port of call is SS?

Always social work when it is child protection as it isn’t your job to investigate. Duty is always to the child.

People lie, sad reality. Especially when there are children involved.

I speak as I find. In all the stories I’ve read the social services agents are always referred for over looking things and there are neighbours or family members very angry at them. If you truly don’t believe in free speech and think the post should be removed then press the report button the post get’s immediately removed until it’s checked but it won’t change the fact that there are people out there desperately seeking help and no one will listen.

There are thousands of children on the CPR. They don’t all die at the hands of their parents. Social workers are doing their best with limited resources trying to correct decades on trauma.

Yes of course the infamous family, where are they when children are being abused or lying dead, oh yes, nowhere to be seen but then pass the buck onto people who have and are trying to help. It’s nasty people like you that are ill informed and ignorant that cause problems for other people! And unless you’re one of the absent family members, how are you ‘speaking as you find’?

I’m quoting from newspapers I have no idea what family you are talking about

I’m simply saying that if social services are not investigating these people then they are probably not going to be interested in some dirty items.

Might she be wanting you to see the state of the house, as a bit of a cry for help do you think?

You just don’t get it do you? And you’ve got the idea in your head and will ague black is white because you think you’re right, you trying being a SW for a while! It’s easy to sit in your cosy job and blame other people who are at the sharp end, working with some truly awful people and then being blamed because they are damned if they’d do and damned if they don’t. It’s a no win situation for many and the newspapers are very quick to judge, even when they don’t know the facts. Anyway you carry on blaming people you don’t even know, because, of course, everything you read in the papers is true, well to gullible people at lease. Goodbye!