Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

I have a similar situation with my sister in law with hoarding, last time I was in the house there was literally no clear space to walk / surfaces. However no one has been allowed over the threshold of their home for 8 years, kids are teens now, so it’s very difficult to approach! She is highly reactive and if you say one wrong thing blocks you out of kids life for a long time, her partner is terrified of her. I had never thought of calling SS. Feels so extreme. Hard to know what’s best. We have spent years tip toeing around trying to keep the peace. But reading this has made me realise it’s potentially abusive letting your home get this way..

If she is a friend why can’t you have an honest conversation? Say you’re concerned, is she ok? Does she need help and support?
lying to swerve then calling SS is shitty without talking to her first.
Yes it’ll be uncomfortable to raise the topic but don’t swerve the issue - she’ll know anyway!

My father went through a terrible phase like this. Not mouldy plates but just so unclean and dirty you couldn't spend a moment in his house without retching. He'd always been a bit slapdash but after his divorce clear he just gave up domestically. This lasted a couple of years. I'm happy to say he managed to sort himself out and him and his new wife whilst still not the cleanest I can visit and it's clean enough and I stayed over recently. Hopefully this is just a bad period for your friend and she can come through it. My 'not so tactful' mother gave some tough love and told him your kids don't want to visit because it's filthy which we'd been too polite to say, but did gave him the motivation (or the stick!) to make some needed changes.

OH MY GOD 😱. how was she comfortable with you seeing this 😳

Do you have plates with mouldy food everywhere and slimy bath toys?. These people are beyond filthy . There's no excuse for that.

Ss are totally interested in dirty houses because it’s can be a sign that something deeper is going on. A parent is struggling mentally or neglect in other areas. It doesn’t mean they are a bad parent but maybe they are in a rough patch and need some help and support. If a kitchen is too dirty that a parent can’t hygienically cook a meal, the children can’t bath in a clean bathroom, rooms have mould in can effect the children’s lungs and so on. The cat poo overflowing the litter box can cause massive issues too.
I had them come out to me to inspect the home because my witch of a landlord called them and lied and said my home was covered in cat poo, there was mould and dirt everywhere. She also complained there was a leaky roof which was actually her job to sort and had been reported and fixed by the time she decided to make the complaint. Anyway she lied. It wasn’t what she made out to be but I did get a call from ss saying a report had been made and they needed to come and see me. They wouldn’t give me a time and just showed up on the day they called because obviously they didn’t want to give me chance to clean before they would get there! They where more than happy and said they couldn’t understand why there had been a report.
Ss wouldn’t be my first point of call though. As a friend I’d be trying to talk to the friend s d asking what’s going on and how I could help because it’s clear things have gotten out of hand and I’m concerned

I think best bet is trying to see her again alone and prodding a bit, is she depressed, having financial difficulties etc etc as 2 drs there's no reason they can't hire a cleaner. Do it gently but let her know you're worried about her and her/their health. Mess is 1 thing. Not cleaning out the fridge for a few weeks is 1 thing but having mould over everything on the sides and cat 💩 overflowing and emitting toxins is a problem that needs addressing.

You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. You clearly think a social worker can walk into a home and take children away. In this country that is sadly not the case. SW’s have no right of entry to a house, they can only force entry with a police officer and only a court has the power to remove a child from its parents care. Sadly a lot of cases are brought before the courts by concerned SW’s, only for the judge to side with the parents and give them more chances. SW’s are made the scapegoat for a broken system. So maybe now you’ve been ‘educated’ and know what you’re talking about, you’d like to remove your offensive quote?

I would be the first to admit that housework is not my favourite thing to do . . . I would much rather be knitting, reading, socialising etc

The biggest thing for me has been to have routines so I always wash up once a day, make my bed in the morning, empty the kitchen bins the night before the bin collection, etc etc

As I live alone it's no problem for me to leave all my craft stuff out so the house does often look messy. But, if I have visitors, I can do a very quick clear up - 20 minutes maximum and my living room is ready for guests

There are some very good books & websites available which are all about establishing routines and plenty of followers on YouTube too . . . for anyone for doesn't know where to begin, these are a very good starting point. The first two are particularly good for anyone living in chaos

Flylady - website (& loads of followers on YouTube) and you can sign up for daily e-mails reminding you of your routines which includes decluttering

A Slob Comes Clean - the book has a 30 day plan at the back to get started with the basics if you are totally overwhelmed

The Organised Mum Method (TOMM) - brilliant system to stay on top of housework but you need to declutter first

I think there are also apps available for Flylady & TOMM

And I thought my house was untidy. I am fine with untidy but not with dirty and for that reason I would make my excuses and leave. I can’t deal with cat litter trays that are overflowing 🤢, I have a cat be he’s an outdoor cat because I couldn’t have a litter tray in the house. Dirty kitchen would stop me from even drinking a cup of tea from it.

Nope definitely not a man.
On the contrary, I was actually finding the comments about calling Ss a bit patronising and dismissive of women- specifically, a highly qualified woman with a pressurised job who is clearly making time for her friends and family ahead of traditional “ women’s work.” There isn’t much mention of why isn’t her DH pulling his weight.
That said it does sound like she needs to work on saving for a cleaner. Correction: she and her DH need to work on saving for a cleaner.
MN does frequently get women stealth boasting about housework. Are you new to MN?

As strange as it is, some people are just happy to live like that.
I have a friend who lives in similar conditions and her children are the happiest kids I've ever met. I went to her house once and swiftly made my excuses to leave and never returned.
She comes to my house regularly and constantly comments on how 'insanely clean and tidy' it is.
It's just normal clean and tidy 😂

Guys - I’m not fucking batman.

I’m not going to swoop in with chats and skips and sort their lives out, or uncover some huge mental trauma.

I’ve been told by a mutual friend who’s known them for 25 odd years that they are just, and have always been messy, dirty people who just don’t give a shit.

Do you honestly think I am the first person to have seen this? They have lots of friends, family, people who see them far more often than I do. People have told them, others refuse to stay at their house.

I wouldn’t be telling her anything new.

I mean no-one has said “ it sounds as if her DH has MH problems.” The problem in a family where both parents work in pressurised roles is somehow attributed to “ she” must be struggling/depressed/ have MH issues. Seems he is just a busy working professional …

Totally agree with this. I know a couple who are homeschooling five children ~ their house is absolutely cluttered with toys, games, puzzles, musical instruments, arts & crafts supplies & a phenomenal amount of books. I've never seen the bedrooms properly as the floors are so cluttered.

The children are such a delight ~ they are polite, well-mannered, clean and well fed. They all seem to have their own particular talents and interests and the parents encourage this with visits to the library, museums, castles, exhibitions, concerts and sports events. They all have pets which are very well cared for and a very large garden with a trampoline and a large vegetable plot which the children help with. They have playdates with local children and visits from their cousins.

Housework just seems to be a very low priority for the parents . . .

She has literally said she wouldn’t be fine with the mould: it’s in the post you have quoted.

But to be fair the original post ( to which she was responding) was less specific as to the extent. I was able to envisage a spectrum of houses ranging from the sort of extreme horror someone has posted a pic of ( actually I’d have expected a more stunned op for that tbh) to a standard messy home with damp smell ( old houses can get them) and a bit of attendant mould round grout lines etc. It was a later post that specified the toys and plates etc.

No one is saying it’s how they would want to live . Probably this friend doesn’t either. But there’s a jump from that to MH issues and neglect. And as I’ve posted above , why is the DH just a busy guy while the wife is culpable/ depressed/ not coping?

Shocked it took this long to find the adult answer

Sorry if already mentioned, but the police officer mentioned upthread and the fact that these people are doctors has me wondering whether those professions actually increase the likelihood of this. The emergency services, and medicine, are (a) hugely stressful and (b) introduce people to a level of existence most people don't see much, if at all - I wouldn't be surprised if the mundanity of house stuff just pales into insignificance for some. As an aside, this thread has had me cleaning my hob. I'm on the slack side of tidy but reached a point ages ago with neurodivergent brain stuff to make myself just Do A Thing, and not automatically assume I have to do all things at once.

Having said all that, I think we also presume all doctors are cut from the same cloth - having spent time and become friends with several, or known people who have eventually become doctors, they're all completely different. Their different personalities have led them to this career for wildly varied reasons and they all have different strengths. And weaknesses. They're just people.

You should just tell her, I can not stay here. This mess and smell is getting to me. She needs help obviously, is she happy living like that? I would never stay somewhere I don't feel comfortable, especially with my kids. You are allowed to offend when it's the obvious truth and they need some support. I personally think no one in there right mind could.live like that. So maybe she's not in her right mind

OP you’re a better person than me. My husband has just read this and I asked him what he would do… he said ‘I wouldn’t have got much further than the front door’ and then he said ‘I’m really sorry, I have sensory issues and this is much too much for me to cope with’ and then he would have left.

Whatever you do, you need to be honest, some people just live in pig sty’s and they just don’t realise! Maybe you’re doing her a favour by telling her (in a gentle way) that her house is unclean…. and unfit for guests ….. Good luck!

My husband is off to have a shower by the way, as this post has left him feeling ‘minging’ 😂

Ask her how she is. I expect she knows that her house is a filthy tip and is embarrassed and ashamed at some level. If you make up a cat allergy she’s probably going to realise you wanted to avoid her house. If she’s a friend then tell her candidly and offer to help.

Perhaps this is a cry for help? Maybe she has got so overwhelmed that by asking you over she is hoping you offer some help and support? When things get that bad people don’t see it the same way as you do. If you think she is struggling then maybe it’s time to have that honest conversation. Staying with her could have been an idealist idea on her part or an invite just be to polite and maybe she never thought you’d take her up on it.

The truth will set you free!

Poor you. Are an excuse family emergency and you need to leave. Travel lodge. I am a live in carer and I had a 3 day assignment a few years ago like this a graze on my leg got infected and I got sepsis. Couldn't eat couldn't sleep. Literally skin crawled.

You are right. I have a niece who is a SW and has worked in Child Protection for several years. She would find the post ignorant and ridiculous.