Is this normal for a 10 year old boy?

[Lawcruncher]

Recently my 10 year old (year 5) nephew ‘B’ came to stay with us. I don’t get to see him often due to distance and was really looking forward to this trip. It was easter holidays, his mum had a routine hospital visit and my brother (his dad) had to work, so I was glad to help out by looking after him for a few days. The experience has left me concerned for his wellbeing, and I am not sure what to do. I feel like I should speak to my brother, but I am worried about causing a family rift. I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, as currently I feel very conflicted.

I could write so much more here about all the things that concerned me but I’m not sure people would want to read all that, so I will summarise as best I can.
He arrived in tears because his ipad had run out of battery on the car journey. That was my brothers fault because he didn’t remind him to charge it. In the instructions for looking after him I was told that he is only allowed to play on his ipad between 7am and 8pm. His bedtime is 8pm and he is allowed to watch 1 DVD in bed, to help him fall asleep. He sleeps with the light on all night as he doesn’t like the dark.

He needs to be supervised brushing his teeth and using the toilet before bed, otherwise he won’t do it but will say he has. If he doesn’t use the toilet before bed he will wet the bed. He needs help dressing appropriately in the morning. He doesn’t shower, and his mum baths him once a week. He doesn’t use deo and is quite smelly most of the time.

He cannot use a knife and fork. I don’t mean that he is bad with them, I literally mean he cannot use them. At breakfast he was unable to butter his toast. He just didn’t know how to hold the knife and even when shown, just could not do it. He also doesn’t use a fork, preferring a spoon or his fingers.

At lunch in a café he burst into tears when his jacket potato with cheese arrived with salad. He had read the menu and ordered himself, but not realise it would come with salad. That was my fault for not explaining it. After pushing all the salad off the plate (he did use his knife for that) he requested a spoon and proceeded to eat the potato using a spoon and his fingers. He was pushing potato with his fingers onto his spoon, and picking up dropped potato with his fingers. It was embarrassing.

That evening I made steak, chips, mushrooms and peas. B wouldn’t eat the mushrooms or peas, ate the chips with fingers and, after I had to cut it for him, ate the steak pieces with a spoon, using his fingers to push the pieces on. At mealtimes we tried to engage in conversation but all he could talk about was fortnite. At home he eats his meals on his own, on a tray in front of the TV. His standard meal is jacket potato with cheese, but sometimes he has a ham and cheese wrap. His parents eat after he has gone to bed. Even on a weekend, he eats separately in front of the TV.

All B wanted to do all day was sit in his room and play on his ipad, or sit in the living room and watch TV. It turned out that is all he does at home, and we had more tears and tantrums when I wouldn’t let him do that all day. He doesn’t participate in any activities (clubs, sports etc..), or have any friends. He can’t swim, ride a bike, kick a ball or tie shoe laces. He doesn’t read books. He is very overweight and did not want to play at the park I took him to. He would burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and everything is always someone else’s fault. His diet is very limited and does not include salad or vegetables unless you count potato. He likes to snack on crisps and full fat coke and had a full-on meltdown when he learned that we don’t have crisps in the house and only had coke zero, demanding that we go to the supermarket to buy them (we didn’t).

When my brother collected him at the end of the visit I mentioned what it had been like and he just dismissed it with ‘yeah, that’s what 10 year old boys are like!’ and didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

I know other people with kids similar ages and have not seen anything like this. It was almost like watching a 2/3 year old toddler in a 10 year olds body. We have 2 girls of our own, both at Uni now, and by the time they were 6 or 7 they were fully capable of eating a meal using cutlery, and could tie shoe laces. They didn’t burst into tears at the smallest thing, and were socially able. They had friends, played outside and participated in sports/clubs. By age 10 they were so much more capable and independent then B is.

So is this normal for a 10 year old boy? Am I right or wrong to be concerned? Should I say something to his parents?

My boy did have a phase of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. He was 9 and when he turned10 we explained that he was growing up and needed to stop. He weirdly never did it again. Mine has sensory issues and struggles with some food and was crap with cutlery. He also went through a blame phase. But we ate with him, limited screen time and stood firm. He's now awesome. 🤩❤️

Really heart warming to read this.

It is honestly a bit odd of you to make these things an issue when he stayed with you. Your three day stint is not going to change anything. Making a fuss about his diet and activities and table manners just made the visit harder than it needed to be. Either he has been poorly brought up or he has needs that are not discussed. Many of the things you describe are similar to my dd who is quite severe autistic. If your nephew is autistic, confronting all this is even worse! It is more likely that your brother and his wife are well aware that he has some special needs but don't wish to discuss it.

Sounds like screen addiction has messed with his social and emotional regulation skills. He needs a screen detox asap.

I wouldn't say this is normal for a neurotypical 10yo but sounds very normal for an autistic one.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a teenage pain now, but he is really growing up. He’s kind and funny and I’m beginning to get a glimpse of the man he will be. 😊❤️

I’ve raised two boys, one ADHD/dyspraxia the other ASD. They could both use cutlery, but the one with dyspraxia needed a bit more teaching and would tend to use his fork like a lolly if left to his own devices.
Both always preferred finger food but I taught them how to use a knife and fork.

The screen time and obsession has been an issue with the ASD one.

They needed to be told ‘toilet and teeth’ before bed and would swerve it given half a chance, but no bedwetting at that age.

The ASD one didn’t like to stay away from home and he wouldn’t cry but he’d be very firm about wanting to go home and wouldn’t settle elsewhere. Always slept with the light on (still does as a young adult).

Most 10 year old boys I’ve known have been soap dodgers and are prone to a bit of BO as they are just starting to get stinky and don’t seem to care.

So a mixed bag, I’d say.

I should add, as young adults, my lads are brilliant and although they have their struggles they can be on their ‘best behaviour’ even though it slips at home, and I let it because I don’t want them to have to mask constantly.

My ten year old boy isn't like this at all - except he doesn't eat much veg and is useless at tying laces.

He has loads of friends/clubs/activities

Loves bike riding and swimming

Can use cutlery

Big reader

Is very polite and with a bit of a prompt can be chatty

No, it really doesn't.

Not to me. Sounds appalling and very badly brought up.

not normal, no.
It sounds like incredibly lazy parenting and they just haven't bothered to show him this stuff. Or have been afraid to, in case of a tantrum.
So shocked at the people on this thread who think it's normal behaviour. Unless he has developmental delays, this is definitely not normal behaviour, by any stretch of the imagination.

He sounds like my autistic son
He is a very limited eater and like many ASD/ARFID kids, eats with his hands so he can inspect the food.
Shoelaces, bike-riding etc also behind his peers

Some of it sounds typical of my autistic DD (15) but I can’t help but also think the parenting doesn’t sound great either. She had selective eating disorder as a young child but we sorted a lot it out at a younger age than him with counselling for her and us. She will go on her gadgets a lot but I do break it up with activities and take her out to do things even if she isn’t keen (she always enjoys it once we get past the initial reluctance). She doesn’t have many friends but has two from Primary school also with SEN so I make sure she sees them regularly and take them to the cinema together sometimes. She is better at eating with her fingers but I do make her use a knife and fork, even though she would prefer not too. She also doesn’t like to wash but I make her shower twice a week and also supervise teeth etc. I wouldn’t say she cries as much as him but she does have bad anxiety so panics a lot and gets upset fairly easily. I think she would be much more like him if I didn’t spend a lot of time and thought into trying to help her not to be like that. Whether to say anything, it’s a tough one. They are likely to be defensive. I think I would probably mention the cutlery thing above all the others personally, but it might be down to a disability. Whatever you do, approach from a place of concern and kindness with no judgement.

I went to boarding school at 10 (nearly 11). I was expected to look after myself. To get dressed neatly in my uniform, hair tidy, and to make my bed before breakfast. To wash and do my own teeth. To wash my own hair once a week (things have changed since then). To put my own dirty clothes into a laundry bag to be washed weekly. To put clean sheets on my bed weekly. To get to class on time, to do my homework on time, to get to meals on time and to eat properly with a knife and fork etc. like a civilised person.

I taught my own children proper table manners early and they could eat properly with cutlery before they were 5. We ate together and we all ate the same. We didn't have snacks or fizzy drinks of any kind because we couldn't afford them, but even now we can afford them they are treats, not a part of every day life.

in my opinion, what you describe is not normal for a child who has no SEN. It is neglectful of his parents not to teach him the basics of table manners and good nutrition, and I would not expect a child of his age to be allowed screen time of that amount. At the very least I would expect screens to be off during mealtimes.

Not normal. Could be dyspraxic, maybe autistic, maybe just very poorly parented, or all three.
Sad, as he's going to struggle terribly at High School and everyday life. Can you talk to your brother? Could the school help? Any grandparents that could be roped in to help?

Sorry haven't time to rtft but I would think this is all very concerning. The fact that changes of routine come in the form of tears rather than irritation strikes me as very unusual. Kids moan a lot, spoilt kids even more so, but that level of emotion is different, it's like he didn't realise things would be different in a different house.

First thing I thought reading this was autism. I know, on MN everyone jumps on this but that's what I think. My DS is 10 and has autism and dyspraxia, he is quite high functioning but this sounds like what he would be like if he wasnt being properly supported. He would eat with his hands and eat all day while on a screen. It sounds like a bad combo of poor parenting and mild additional needs.

I work with 3-5 year olds and this type of reaction in a 5 yr old would be a red flag for us but normal for a 3 year old, so that gives you an idea of how far behind he is.

Other than bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and stropping and blaming others (my ds is the most placid person ever 😂) the rest is similar to what he was like at 10yo.

However he has a physical disability and is autistic.

So no, I wouldn't call it "normal" or what boys that age are usually like.

I should add to my above post, my DS needs reminders for brushing and showering, still struggles with laces and buttons and finds cutlery difficult. He can do most things independently now but it's been a lot of work. Years of breaking tasks down and timetables etc.

I think your DB genuinely doesn't realise the issues if he said that comment about boys that age. I can't believe no one has ever suggested add needs before. I think the right thing to do as a loving sister and aunt is to talk to him about it. Maybe they are at wits end with constant tantrums and are waiting for him to grow out of it, not realising they need to suppor him and teach him life skills in a way suitable for his needs. Try to be positive and not critical.

@WelshNerd i was also going to say there were quite a lot of things OP said that made me think autism also

Which bits of this are ‘normal’ for a 10 year old?? All ten year olds that I know can tie their shoe laces, use a knife and fork, eat at a table, function without bursting into tears and dress themselves!!

Your bar is set very low if your ten year old can’t do these incredibly simple things…my 5-year old granddaughter can do them!

I have an 11yr old DS who is autistic and some of this does sound familiar e.g.

• very limited diet, would get upset if food he doesn’t like was on his plate when he was younger but not now
• was very late learning to ride his bike (not from lack of trying, believe me) and only became interested in learning to swim at around 9yrs. has also only just learned shoe laces now (again not for lack of trying)
• would absolutely sit in his room alone all day if i let him (I don’t, but we do let him spend some time alone in room as it’s how he self regulates)
• still can’t butter toast no matter how many times i show him!

Not saying your DN is autistic, but if he is it can affect fine motor skills so could be a reason for him not being able to use cutlery.

However, some of what you describe makes it sounds like the parent aren’t really trying very hard. Teaching these life skills can be absolutely painstaking; but you really do need to persevere. it’s a parents job at the end of the day

This is neglect, the poor boy.

IMO sounds like an autistic child. Lack of fine motor skills, aversion to certain textures, needs to have things previewed, poor at sports and needs to zone out.

Really? It doesn’t sound normal to me. At all.

It's no surprise when the kid is left on his iPad all day! Sounds like he's been totally babied and sounds like the parents aren't bothered in the slightest. Sounds very much like he's neglected.