Is this normal for a 10 year old boy?

[Lawcruncher]

Recently my 10 year old (year 5) nephew ‘B’ came to stay with us. I don’t get to see him often due to distance and was really looking forward to this trip. It was easter holidays, his mum had a routine hospital visit and my brother (his dad) had to work, so I was glad to help out by looking after him for a few days. The experience has left me concerned for his wellbeing, and I am not sure what to do. I feel like I should speak to my brother, but I am worried about causing a family rift. I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, as currently I feel very conflicted.

I could write so much more here about all the things that concerned me but I’m not sure people would want to read all that, so I will summarise as best I can.
He arrived in tears because his ipad had run out of battery on the car journey. That was my brothers fault because he didn’t remind him to charge it. In the instructions for looking after him I was told that he is only allowed to play on his ipad between 7am and 8pm. His bedtime is 8pm and he is allowed to watch 1 DVD in bed, to help him fall asleep. He sleeps with the light on all night as he doesn’t like the dark.

He needs to be supervised brushing his teeth and using the toilet before bed, otherwise he won’t do it but will say he has. If he doesn’t use the toilet before bed he will wet the bed. He needs help dressing appropriately in the morning. He doesn’t shower, and his mum baths him once a week. He doesn’t use deo and is quite smelly most of the time.

He cannot use a knife and fork. I don’t mean that he is bad with them, I literally mean he cannot use them. At breakfast he was unable to butter his toast. He just didn’t know how to hold the knife and even when shown, just could not do it. He also doesn’t use a fork, preferring a spoon or his fingers.

At lunch in a café he burst into tears when his jacket potato with cheese arrived with salad. He had read the menu and ordered himself, but not realise it would come with salad. That was my fault for not explaining it. After pushing all the salad off the plate (he did use his knife for that) he requested a spoon and proceeded to eat the potato using a spoon and his fingers. He was pushing potato with his fingers onto his spoon, and picking up dropped potato with his fingers. It was embarrassing.

That evening I made steak, chips, mushrooms and peas. B wouldn’t eat the mushrooms or peas, ate the chips with fingers and, after I had to cut it for him, ate the steak pieces with a spoon, using his fingers to push the pieces on. At mealtimes we tried to engage in conversation but all he could talk about was fortnite. At home he eats his meals on his own, on a tray in front of the TV. His standard meal is jacket potato with cheese, but sometimes he has a ham and cheese wrap. His parents eat after he has gone to bed. Even on a weekend, he eats separately in front of the TV.

All B wanted to do all day was sit in his room and play on his ipad, or sit in the living room and watch TV. It turned out that is all he does at home, and we had more tears and tantrums when I wouldn’t let him do that all day. He doesn’t participate in any activities (clubs, sports etc..), or have any friends. He can’t swim, ride a bike, kick a ball or tie shoe laces. He doesn’t read books. He is very overweight and did not want to play at the park I took him to. He would burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and everything is always someone else’s fault. His diet is very limited and does not include salad or vegetables unless you count potato. He likes to snack on crisps and full fat coke and had a full-on meltdown when he learned that we don’t have crisps in the house and only had coke zero, demanding that we go to the supermarket to buy them (we didn’t).

When my brother collected him at the end of the visit I mentioned what it had been like and he just dismissed it with ‘yeah, that’s what 10 year old boys are like!’ and didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

I know other people with kids similar ages and have not seen anything like this. It was almost like watching a 2/3 year old toddler in a 10 year olds body. We have 2 girls of our own, both at Uni now, and by the time they were 6 or 7 they were fully capable of eating a meal using cutlery, and could tie shoe laces. They didn’t burst into tears at the smallest thing, and were socially able. They had friends, played outside and participated in sports/clubs. By age 10 they were so much more capable and independent then B is.

So is this normal for a 10 year old boy? Am I right or wrong to be concerned? Should I say something to his parents?

Exactly this. My child's other parent denies the autism, and says 'give me the child for 1 week and I will straighten them out'.

Yeps, no visitation.

Maybe because I am an older parent (had mine at 44), I do not let other people's ideas bother me. It is really hard, especially as a solo parent, so I commend you. The others can piss off.

I do not think parents use ND as an excuse to do nothing. Not at all.

If you live in a place where the medical support sucks, the public school is fighting you for basic accommodations for the child, you are a single parent working 40+ hours a week because the other parent refuses to pay, or two parents with other kids-- if you do not have the support you need to raise an ND child, you HAVE to let certain things slide. You have to for your sanity.

The medical costs alone are huge. As a parent of an ND child, you feel like you are drowning when fighting for your child against an NT system that refuses to be flexible, accommodating and lacks compassion. So at times you have to let things slide or you will burn out and/or suffer a depression. Because you see how many in this world simply do not care.

My child's other parent denies the autism, and says 'give me the child for 1 week and I will straighten them out'.

Oh let him. See how long he lasts. I give him 2 days before he realises its more than bad behaviour.

I wouldn't rush in and so or say anything.
From what you have written (apologies if this is incorrect) you seem to not have had a huge amount of contact with him.
Anything could be going on, some kind of ND (certain things remind me of my son of a similar age), poor parenting etc. I really can't see how bringing this to their attention will do any good for yours and your brothers relationship.
The school will see him everyday and may have already flagged up something that you are unaware of, or it may be just that he is a little younger emotionally than his peers.
If I were you I'd try to maybe spend a little more time with him and his family and then see how you feel.

All good. I completely support all the support from Mumsnet. Parents seem inadequate and aunty seems fantastic and caring.

But it's a Mum AND DAD problem. Dad/brother may be easier to approach. But he's equally responsible.

Just how did his daughters from previous relationship grow up? Are they normal healthy weight? They went cycling/camping with dad? Did they do well at school?

I struggle to believe that Dad raised two daughters who are doing well, and has now fallen into a pit with second child and cannot compare his development to his daughters' development.

I just think this is where a professional needs to step in and assess, rather than family politics.

Because a professional will work with all family members and family dynamics and work out what each parent can contribute, and play to all members strengths.

Maybe it's wrong to read through the lines of this one and say, sibling has decided "excuses for brother", "no excuses for SIL", their parenting is rubbish, but I will work with Dad only, because I don't like SIL. She's dragged him down.

IMO this is modern parenting. Children aren’t taught basic life skills like communication or how to use their imagination…. They just frazzle their brain all day sat in front of a tv screen or playing games….. this is damaging the next generation and the reason autism is on the rise…. Kids need to be socialised and learn basic skills while young, otherwise they struggle socially and every thing is overwhelming for them!

sorry but at 10 my DD was making her own breakfast and lunch and was capable of making an evening meal!
shes 13 now and cooks dinner most nights, yesterday was a full roast dinner with sausage rolls made by her!!

Would I say anything to them?… no…. Just keep your thoughts to yourself and not get involved.

I have an 11 year old boy and he's nothing like that! Yes, he loves his TV and computer games, but he also loves Lego, watching and playing sport, playing music, riding his bike etc. He can do a range of household chores including cooking simple meals and cleaning up after himself, taking the rubbish out, walking the dog, emptying the dishwasher, doing his laundry etc. He cuts his own food and uses cutlery correctly. He is a great conversationalist, makes up fabulous jokes, and interacts well with adults. He rarely cries, certainly not at the drop of a hat. The only thing he has in common with your nephew is that he doesn't like salad or vegetables, but he eats fruit and a wide range of other healthy foods. I think you're right to observe that your nephew has some challenges.

Yeah, see my 13 year old can do that too. Loves cooking and baking.
His older brother? No way.
No intellectual impairment but the 15 year old is autistic and has huge issues with dyspraxia, executive function and anxiety.
It's not always the parenting you see.

Yes I know I sound defensive. A person can get a bit sick of being judged and found wanting. If your children are developing typically then an awful lot of this is down to sheer good LUCK. It's easier for you and you are lucky, don't forget that.

If you filled in a DLA form he'd probably get the full amount... He is severely developmentally behind for whatever reason.

I’m sorry but you have very little understanding of autism. It’s not something that develops late in life due to bad parenting or excessive screen use. It’s a brain development disorder causing a social communication disorder/disability present from birth. The traits don’t become apparent until it’s obvious that children aren’t meeting certain developmental milestones. Some once children start socialising then the traits start becoming apparent when they are obviously different to their peers. Girls develop differently and do learn from anyone age to mask their traits and to fit in with their peers more so many aren’t picked up unit older. Some boys present this way as well. The reason autism is on the rise is actually that there more awareness and understanding and early assessments meaning it’s being picked up sooner and more often. There were always just as many autistic people in the last but many just went unnoticed or misdiagnosed as having other mental health conditions. Also there is a higher rate of other co morbid conditions amongst those with ASD such as dyspraxia. Hypermobility, adhd, ocd etc. Some people with autism have a learning disability and those are the children who were always picked up early doors as they were non verbal, unable to pick up reading and writing skills, sometimes showing poor and challenging behaviour. But not all autistic people have a learning disability and those are the people have have. Even missed along the way.

100% this. In fact my relationship with DP's family has totally broken down because they have suggested that my PDA / ADHD son acts how he does because of my parenting. They just don't have a clue and don't want to educate themselves about it as the easy option is just to blame the mother ....

(why they don't also blame his father is worthy of a thread all by itself !)

Sounds like iPaditis.