Is this normal for a 10 year old boy?

[Lawcruncher]

Recently my 10 year old (year 5) nephew ‘B’ came to stay with us. I don’t get to see him often due to distance and was really looking forward to this trip. It was easter holidays, his mum had a routine hospital visit and my brother (his dad) had to work, so I was glad to help out by looking after him for a few days. The experience has left me concerned for his wellbeing, and I am not sure what to do. I feel like I should speak to my brother, but I am worried about causing a family rift. I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, as currently I feel very conflicted.

I could write so much more here about all the things that concerned me but I’m not sure people would want to read all that, so I will summarise as best I can.
He arrived in tears because his ipad had run out of battery on the car journey. That was my brothers fault because he didn’t remind him to charge it. In the instructions for looking after him I was told that he is only allowed to play on his ipad between 7am and 8pm. His bedtime is 8pm and he is allowed to watch 1 DVD in bed, to help him fall asleep. He sleeps with the light on all night as he doesn’t like the dark.

He needs to be supervised brushing his teeth and using the toilet before bed, otherwise he won’t do it but will say he has. If he doesn’t use the toilet before bed he will wet the bed. He needs help dressing appropriately in the morning. He doesn’t shower, and his mum baths him once a week. He doesn’t use deo and is quite smelly most of the time.

He cannot use a knife and fork. I don’t mean that he is bad with them, I literally mean he cannot use them. At breakfast he was unable to butter his toast. He just didn’t know how to hold the knife and even when shown, just could not do it. He also doesn’t use a fork, preferring a spoon or his fingers.

At lunch in a café he burst into tears when his jacket potato with cheese arrived with salad. He had read the menu and ordered himself, but not realise it would come with salad. That was my fault for not explaining it. After pushing all the salad off the plate (he did use his knife for that) he requested a spoon and proceeded to eat the potato using a spoon and his fingers. He was pushing potato with his fingers onto his spoon, and picking up dropped potato with his fingers. It was embarrassing.

That evening I made steak, chips, mushrooms and peas. B wouldn’t eat the mushrooms or peas, ate the chips with fingers and, after I had to cut it for him, ate the steak pieces with a spoon, using his fingers to push the pieces on. At mealtimes we tried to engage in conversation but all he could talk about was fortnite. At home he eats his meals on his own, on a tray in front of the TV. His standard meal is jacket potato with cheese, but sometimes he has a ham and cheese wrap. His parents eat after he has gone to bed. Even on a weekend, he eats separately in front of the TV.

All B wanted to do all day was sit in his room and play on his ipad, or sit in the living room and watch TV. It turned out that is all he does at home, and we had more tears and tantrums when I wouldn’t let him do that all day. He doesn’t participate in any activities (clubs, sports etc..), or have any friends. He can’t swim, ride a bike, kick a ball or tie shoe laces. He doesn’t read books. He is very overweight and did not want to play at the park I took him to. He would burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and everything is always someone else’s fault. His diet is very limited and does not include salad or vegetables unless you count potato. He likes to snack on crisps and full fat coke and had a full-on meltdown when he learned that we don’t have crisps in the house and only had coke zero, demanding that we go to the supermarket to buy them (we didn’t).

When my brother collected him at the end of the visit I mentioned what it had been like and he just dismissed it with ‘yeah, that’s what 10 year old boys are like!’ and didn’t seem bothered in the slightest.

I know other people with kids similar ages and have not seen anything like this. It was almost like watching a 2/3 year old toddler in a 10 year olds body. We have 2 girls of our own, both at Uni now, and by the time they were 6 or 7 they were fully capable of eating a meal using cutlery, and could tie shoe laces. They didn’t burst into tears at the smallest thing, and were socially able. They had friends, played outside and participated in sports/clubs. By age 10 they were so much more capable and independent then B is.

So is this normal for a 10 year old boy? Am I right or wrong to be concerned? Should I say something to his parents?

Most of that is far from normal. The parents sound quite neglectful to be honest. Without changes, he is likely to end up an obese man with no friends or job and living in his bedroom gaming. Very difficult situation.

There really isnt anything normal about the majority of this. If people honestly think this is normal behaviour then I worry what society is going to be like a few decades down the line.

This is not normal and I wonder what his teachers at school think. He may have additional needs like ASD and or dyspraxia and or his parents are not parenting properly.
Sadly, however, it is very common in this generation of Covid children. He would have been in Year 1 & 2 when schools closed and a lot of children became addicted to screens/lack of exercise/poor diet and learnt to rule the roost at home and many parents just gave in and the consequences are being felt now. It is a mix of anxiety and disengagement from what was previously normal life that we are seeing in these children. However, many schools are so overstretched with children who are even worse and violent or having full on panic attacks/lack of boundaries that there are just not the resources in school or social services or at the GP to get these children who are quiet but disengaged back to what would otherwise have been considered more normal.

I would say we cannot just expect the Covid children to be like the previous generation. We need to be realistic and realise that they have missed out on years of normal experiences so have to expect them to be socially & emotionally immature. However, the physical skills and screen control etc needs to come from the parents. So I would raise that that in a very subtle way.

Not normal at all. He actually sounds neglected. Poor kid.

It’s really not anything to do with being “covid children”, I have a 9 year old and a 12 year old , neither of them, their friends our friends kids who are all “covid children” are anything like this unless there’s moderate SEN.

none of this is normal with the exception of wanting to be on the iPad all the time, however I don’t know any kid who are allowed unlimited screen time.

I recognise a lot of that with my nephew who is autistic and my daughter who is dyspraxic.

I have a boy this age and it doesn't sound normal. Saying that, I do have to prize my son off the tech, for example to go hiking. He complains like anything at first but then starts to enjoy it. I make mine go camping as well. They have to try things not just sit in a room and be ignored. He can make his own cereal, I mean the portions are a bit crazy but he isn't crying every two minutes. He wants a computer but I think no more media. I think lots of kids are stuck to screens. Also, the 7am to 8pm, that's a bit much.

Do you have a ten year old now? Or is this theoretical musing? Because I can tell you that the age group simply has not been affected to the degree you suggest, unless there are some specific confounding factors at home (poverty, parental mental health or specific diagnoses).

I have a ten year old and kids slightly older and younger. They and all their cohort of peers have caught up in the last four years, do lots of activities other than screens, are socially active. I have lots of kids to play and round for tea and they are all polite and can use cutlery.

We really should not be normalising a generation babysat by screens. That’s not a covid effect it’s behavioural by poor parenting.

Its not sounding great tbh.
I have a 10 year old boy. He isnt great with his laces but most of the time because he is rushing.
He eats anything but i do have to constantly tell him to use a knife and fork especially with things like chips as he will grab them with his hands. He does know how to use them though.
He doesnt smell and knows how to wash properly but i do remind him still to clean his teeth b4 bed on occasions

My almost ten year old wore the Velcro strap runners for most of his life and is only learning to tie them now.

He can barely ride a bike as we never had anywhere safe to consistently go to cycle (are on it now and by the end of the summer he should be fine)

He is only learning to swim now in the last year or so

hed use a knife and fork but to be often he doesn’t use a knife often (we’d eat bolognaise, cottage pie, rice etc) and definitely would have trouble with steak. My 11yo sleeps with a nightlight but we’re in talks 😉

Yes, you do need to talk to brother really, just remind him the tying laces, swimming, cycling etc are things he’ll regret when he’s older.

I have a 10yo DS and he is nothing like this. He's very capable despite having ADHD and the attention span of a gnat 🤣 He is self sufficient and does chores with reluntance, but they get done. His friends seem to be the same as far as I can tell

I don't think this is normal to be honest.

Definitely not, I work with children age10 and this sounds very unusual.
Does he have additional needs/ASD?

I have a 10 year old DS. Which means I know a lot of 10 year old boys.

Wanting to be in the IPad all day - normal (but I don't know any parents, even the most indulgent, who would allow anything like that much time).

Being lazy and skipping toothbrushing if not nagged - can be normal though by 10 it should be such an instilled habit it happens automatically.

Food issues - only with kids with sensory or similar neurodiversity and even those are mostly growing out of it by 10 due to starting to be embarked around friends.

The rest - no. Not normal.

Mine has elements of this but this is extreme

Can eat a bit sloppily but can use a knife and fork
Might have a strop in the car if I'd forgotten to charge something but would absolutely not be allowed on anything like that time
Loves tech but goes out and does hobbies alongside
Clumsy so struggles with laces

It sounds like he's spending a lot of time alone on devices and TV

Not normal, your post is so heartbreaking. It sounds like poor parenting. It’s very sad he always eats on his own and has no friends. Is your brother doing anything to help him or do you think he’s part of the problem. If he has written your nephew off as a normal 10 year old that’s really sad. He maybe ND and it’s being missed or he could just be a very unhappy young boy with no/ very little parental input 😕

I echo what most other posters say and agree it’s not typical behaviour.

My DS is a similar age and DOES have SEN and an EHCP and here are the similarities/differences for perspective-

He would stay on his iPad/computer all day if I’d let him.

He doesn’t cry at stuff like your DN though would be grumpy.

Doesn’t sleep with a nightlight but I do keep the hallway light on and door ajar a bit.

Isn’t overweight

Eats a relatively healthy and likes fruit and veg. Happy to try new things.

Has some lovely good friends that he’s been friends with for years and they go to activities together (where adults are there though)

Can’t use a knife to cut properly as he has Dyspraxia and prefers to eat with fingers though can use a folk.

Can’t tie shoe laces (again due to Dyspraxia)

Can ride a bike but not confidently, again dyspraxia makes it harder.

Can’t swim because he hates water in his eyes and really hates swimming lessons.

Doesn’t need reminding to go to the toilet and has never wet the bed.

Can clean teeth but needs prompted.

He definitely needs extra support or he wouldn’t get anything done. I have an older child was the polar opposite at the same age so I knew from early in that there was something else going on

I've had two boys, not normal at all.
Some things are just like my nephew was though. He has ASD.

Nup not normal at all. I have girls oldest 10 & 12 but they have plenty of boys as friends. I have a group of mum friends all 4 of their 11/12 yo boys are ND, autistic, adhd, dyslexic, dyspraxia etc.. all these boys are regulars at my house and even with their ND are more than capable of eating a proper meal at a table without melting down. I won’t always have something they want in but there are no meltdown, all 4 are use to behaving at other peoples houses or restaurants. Also plenty of NT boys who have play dates here and all the same.

My 6 yo can control her disappointment of her tablet running out of battery. And will make sure she packs her own charger.

The only thing I would say is “normal” is being stuck on an iPad all day or watching tv. My girls and most of their friends will happily do this if allowed. We have slob days where they get to do this.

As for diet, many children do have restricted diets some for ND reasons, some because it’s all they like. Two of my DDs can’t stand any kind of fruit or vegetable and would eat the same foods time and time again if allowed.

My DDs eat most meals without DH or myself, but always eat at the table. My potentially autistic 10 yo will prefer her hands but gets told to use the correct cutlery. Tablets are allowed if it’s the 3 of them, not every night, it’s a more of we gauge the situation, if they are all worn out and need to decompress (especially dd 10) they are allowed tablets, other times we say no just talk to each other. Family meals are no devices at all.

From what you have said I would absolutely agree your DN is being neglected in many ways. How you could address that I couldn’t say. I think I’d go for the approach of when he’s at your house he follows your house rules. There are a couple of “trying” children that I’ve had here and I lay the rules out to them. One child went home and said in Alice’s house I’m not allowed to say no. After watching her be rude and ignore her mother and grandparents when she asked to come to my house for tea and said she was more than welcome but in my house there are rules, one is you do not say no to an adult when they tell you to do something. She came and was good as gold, nothing at all like she is with her mum and grandparents who do a lot of childcare.

What?! Which bits of that are normal?

No OP, it's a sign of a badly parented & neglected child. The fact your brother can't see it is dreadful as well - he is guilty here.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I feel quite overwhelmed. In response to the questions:

Does he have a medical condition? The simple answer is I don’t know. I think my brother would have said something if he had been diagnosed, especially when I mentioned some of the behaviour. Of course it is possible that he does and they don’t want to share that for various reasons.

What’s he like in school? Apparently, quite good. He is above average at maths and below average with reading. He says he has one friend at school, a girl, but isn’t friends with any of the boys. And in his own words ‘she is a school friend, not an out of school friend’. He takes a packed lunch – same every day – ham and cheese sandwich.

Is my brother / SIL approachable? Him maybe, her not so much. She is very protective of him and thinks the sun shines out of his BS. Last time I was there was Boxing Day and most of the time I was there he was upstairs playing with his toys/screen. When he was in the same room as the adults he was mostly cuddling with his mum, climbing over her while she kissed his head and called ‘my baby B’. He didn’t engage with any other adult, including his dad.

Does he see grandparents? No. My parents both died before he was born, and his maternal grandparents live in Australia. They visited him a couple of times pre-covid but not since

Why have his parents not taught him to swim/ride a bike? They are both unfit and very overweight, probably obese. My brother is a mechanic and works silly hours, but when not working is a couch potato. My SIL works 15 hours a week during school hours as an admin assistant, often from home. They do not lead active lifestyles or eat healthily themselves. They have zero interests (as far as I know) beyond the TV and online shopping.

What do I think? It’s hard. My instinct is against automatically medicalising things, and more that the majority of what I experienced is related to parenting. I understand that kids can be fussy eaters, but ultimately parents control what food is in the house. I get that kids want to play on devices or watch TV and that can be fine some of the time, but again that can and should be controlled by the parents. And of course some of this could well be hormones. If they were to eat meals as a family then I am sure B would have learned by now how to eat ‘properly’. We don’t visit often but when we do we usually go to a local pub to eat, and B has a burger and chips, so I’d never really picked up on the eating habits before now. My brother is out of the house early and gets home after B has eaten, and often works Saturdays, so most of the parenting is down to my SIL. B doesn’t go anywhere without his mum – she drives him to and from school, and takes him to the supermarket when she goes, which is about the only thing they do out of the house. As I said before he isn’t in any clubs so doesn’t see anyone else. My brother and SIL do not (as far as I know) have much of a social life.

Of course, there could be a medical issue here and I would really like to encourage my brother to consider this. But I cannot find the words, and I am worried about causing any upset. And I am not sure that diagnosing B with something would be the whole answer, because I think a significant part of the problem is probably the way he is being parented - but I do not know this for sure. We are due to visit again for the bank holiday weekend which is why I decided to post this, because I think I will find it hard not to say anything at all, but am terrified of saying something wrong that causes a falling out.

It sounds like sensory seeking behaviour around food and he certainly takes comfort from controlling his environment. Behaviours are repetitive and he sounds very resistant to change.
It's a shame he may not get a diagnosis until later in life.
Eating alone is so so sad. There are many opportunities to take him out of 'his' little world and into his parents that are being missed.
I have some sympathy for the parents but change is due. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out that the child is able to demonstrate greater independence now they are older. They should go camping in the middle of nowhere for a week with no gadgets!

He doesn’t participate in any activities (clubs, sports etc..), or have any friends. He can’t swim, ride a bike, kick a ball or tie shoe laces

These are all totally normal things I'd expect a ten year old to be able to do.

It's shocking that he can't.

Apart from trying to avoid cleaning teeth before bed none of is normal, it's just shit parenting, poor kid. Although it sounds like they don't behave much better themselves as adults so how's he to learn any differently. I reckon he needs more weekends with his auntie!

Nope, not normal

Why have his parents not taught him to swim/ride a bike?

^
Because they are lazy. Same reason why he's on the iPad 24/7, can't use a knife and fork, tie shoelaces etc etc.

They'll use ASD as an excuse, but it's just lazy parents.