How would you handle this - DD called DS a ‘little shit’

[Fantina]

Took the DC on a much awaited (and expensive) treat night and had a lovely time. As we left the venue they were pushing and shoving each other and the pavement was busy with pedestrians so I told them both off and told them to stop it and not to spoil the evening.

Teen DD refuses to let anything drop with DS and she doubles down and says he was an ‘arrogant little shit’. I told her to apologise to him as I’d asked them both to stop and she’d carried it on. She refused despite him apologising to her for his part in the shoving.

Now I’m upset that both of them can’t behave and that DD not only called him that out of nowhere but that she doesn’t respect me enough to drop things when I ask so our time out doesn’t get marred.

Would you just have let this comment slide? I don’t think it is acceptable and it’s like she backs me into a corner of needing to address his tone and language towards him.

What ages are they?

Big age age between them?

My sibling and I have an 8 year gap. We’re very close as adults, but I emphatically didn’t like them when they were 7-15.

DD is 16 and DS is 13

Don't take them out again unless they can behave.

@vodkaredbullgirlThat’s how I feel tbh but not sure if I’m overreacting. At least say it under your breath so I can’t hear! I feel like it’s a lack of respect for my time, money and wishes too.

Hmmmm. It's not pleasant but fairly standard teenage behaviour I think. I think your expectations of your DD be backing down because you asked her to are too high. It only spoils the evening if you let it. Say that you don't like the way she spoke to her brother or their mutual pushing and move on.

You are the adult in this situation and you need to show you mean what you say.

What consequences were there for your DD?

Did you say at the time if you continue to do x the consequence will be y?

The fact you feel backed into a corner means the children (and specifically your DD) know you can't parent them. They call the shots.

At the age you say a simple solution is to cut WiFi access for poor behaviour.

Change the router password and don't tell them what it is until they get out of the sin bin.

No consequence so far tbh, although I did say to both of them that I wouldn’t take them out to treat place again if this was how they were going to behave at the end of it all.

I'd give her a consequence for swearing and not stopping when told too. No phone for 24 hours.

I'd tell her that was a horrible way to speak, ask where she learnt language like that and then take away phone, WiFi or TV for a couple of days ie you've learnt that language somewhere and it's not from me so goodbye phone/TV/WiFi.

Later on I'd discuss respectful behaviour and say I did not want to hear horrible words and if they want to fight they can do it out of my sight and definitely not after I've just taken them somewhere nice as a treat.

DD needs a serious consequence for her unkindness to her brother and lack of respect for you

I'd tell her that was a horrible way to speak, ask where she learnt language like that

She's 16 and will be using a lot worse than that out of parents earshot.

I was that 16 year old once and my younger brother was and still is an arrogant little shit who is my mothers very obvious favourite and got away with murder. Still does and always will. I just learnt not to say it out loud!

Erm, she's 16 years old, that's not really going to hit the mark there.
It does sound about right considering their ages to be honest and whilst you as a parent might not want to hear that, it is fairly standard

Sure but to use it within earshot, and especially after a treat, is very disrespectful.

Fwiw I would have never dreamed of using language like that to anyone when I was 16 and would be horrified if my DD came out with it!

It doesn’t sound like she was ‘doubling down’ out of disrespect to you - more like wanting to get the last word in to her brother, which is standard teen behaviour. And maybe he was being an arrrogant little shit?!

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Honestly - I think you’re overreacting big time. As swearing and offensive language between teens go, this is mild.

Are you really that taken aback? I’m not saying it’s nice to hear, I’m not saying it should be said without a parent reprimanding her for it, but for me, it would not be such a big deal.

Totally agree. A sharp ‘Oi! Mind your language’ if that sort of thing really bothers you and move on.

I have 16 & 13 year old DDs, unfortunately if in a spat they both feel like they need to have the last word / prove they are right until the bitter end, and although not often there occasionally is name calling like yours. I have a hard word and send them their separate ways. I hate it & it upsets me but I do think pretty standard for this age.

would be horrified if my DD came out with it!

So when my just turned 17 year old son call his 22 year old brother "a complete twat", should I have been horrified? Seems a strong.

He was being a complete twat and my son was right.

You would ask a 16 year old where she heard 'shit'? Really? Do you live in a Beatrix Potter book or something?
My teens are allowed to swear, they are just words, in fact, OPs over reaction probably just fanned the flames spoiling her own night out.
In two years the 16 year old will be able to swear as much as she likes.....

You're making it far too conceptual, IMO. Saying her behaviour means that she doesn't respect you is going to be too far a stretch for your average 16yo - she's going to be thinking "sure I respect you, mum, but Bro IS being an arrogant little shit" and genuinely believing that that negates your objection. Just set the rules for both DCs - no shoving, no swearing in front of you, no exceptions - and deliver swift, consistent consequences when they're broken. Treat it like the Speaker does in Parliament - it doesn't matter if X MP is clearly an odious pipsqueak and everyone knows it; such language cannot stand and the person saying it must apologize or be excluded until they do.

If she's bullying her brother or consistently using her extra three years of knowledge and life experience to belittle him and put him down, that's a different issue - but your post kind of reads like YOU mind the behaviour rather than that he does.

I have DC of similar ages, they can sometimes behave a bit like this to each other but I'd be upset if they were doing it on a special night out.

This is usually the case. Male children are favored and pandered too. Life really is much easier for them can they get away with these types of things.

I’d be more bothered about your DC’s manners if they were shoving and pushing each other on a busy pavement. I have teen nephews who do this all the time and it’s bloody annoying to be around overgrown puppy children who forget other people might like not to be barged into or have to move around them while they play fight. I’d focus on getting them to behave better when out together in public and worry less about their private sniping.