How would you handle this - DD called DS a ‘little shit’

[Fantina]

Took the DC on a much awaited (and expensive) treat night and had a lovely time. As we left the venue they were pushing and shoving each other and the pavement was busy with pedestrians so I told them both off and told them to stop it and not to spoil the evening.

Teen DD refuses to let anything drop with DS and she doubles down and says he was an ‘arrogant little shit’. I told her to apologise to him as I’d asked them both to stop and she’d carried it on. She refused despite him apologising to her for his part in the shoving.

Now I’m upset that both of them can’t behave and that DD not only called him that out of nowhere but that she doesn’t respect me enough to drop things when I ask so our time out doesn’t get marred.

Would you just have let this comment slide? I don’t think it is acceptable and it’s like she backs me into a corner of needing to address his tone and language towards him.

Word use is so telling.

Your DD is the one that need disciplining, not because of what she called him, though she's ooo, but because she's disrespectful to you.

Sibling rivalry/squabbling as annoying as it is, really is 'normal'. Their relationship is theirs But take heed - I never intervened in my DCs relationship. Now, my 22 and 21 yo DCs dislike each other so much that I've just had to ask both to move out.

Absolutely, DD who's not good enough to be watched for golden child brother is clearly the villan of the story.. DS 'accidently jostled' his sister who shoved him, but wonderful DS apologies, and bad DD swears at the poor lamb?

Clearly preferential treatment from both parents. How 'shit' for her.

Apologies to all for the horrendous use of SHIT!!!

OP, you seem quite focused on the fact that this happened during a special outing but this is irrelevant and I think it's your expectations of how things should have gone that are influencing your thinking.
Also, I can't really understand all this focus on disrespecting you personally. Yes, it's shit (HA!) but our children will often act in 'so-called' disrespectful ways towards us. It's important to make them aware that's not okay but it won't stop them doing it until they are fully formed adults.

Horrendous language @DoreenonTill8

He was jostled into her, I saw it. She didn’t know that so she did shove him as she thought he’d done it on purpose, he shoved her back, she did it again - so far so normal. I’m not pearl clutching about the use of the word ‘shit’ I’m saying that it all happened out of nowhere and changed the atmosphere (which I’d like to learn to handle better as the adult hence the thread) it was disappointing as we’d had a lovely evening until that point. I told them both off.

I think it is savvy not to get caught doing something wrong tbh and DD isn’t saying he did any more than I saw with my own eyes anyway.

I’ll reflect on how to pick my battles more and turning a blind eye and ear might come in handy.

Your poor daughter. I hope she gets savvy and finds her people.

@HappierTimesAhead It did feel annoying because it was a special and expensive occasion and I guess I’d expected we’d have been chatting about the evening together by this point and I wouldn’t have to referee. Perhaps learning to manage my expectations is the way to go.

It’s a too high standard to expect your teenager not to swear like that at their sibling.

That has never been acceptable in my house either.

The pushing…. My two have always done that. Still do (they are at Uni now 😂) but it as always friendly rather than aggressive iyswim

I was walking the dog yesterday and there was young teenagers messing about in the park (6ish so out of school hours). The language coming out of them was unreal.

But I remember being that age and we all did it. Jarring hearing it as an adult though.

Yes, I totally empathise and can think of so many occasions which I wanted to go a certain way and then didn't because of what my children were going through. It's totally normal to feel annoyed and frustrated but as you say it's about managing our expectations because children don't really adhere to those expectations. They will fight whether in the living room or The Ritz.

Ha! So true. I guess every family has a different set of standards of what is acceptable at home/with company/out and about too.

I remember my teenage cousins tumbling around on the floor and punching each other during play fights until someone cried and my auntie and uncle just used to laugh. Perhaps I should think myself lucky it isn’t like that between my two.

I'm wondering if you've taken on board how many people have commented on DS being the golden child? That can have a huge impact.

@FlickDrink at the risk of being a pedant, I said fairly standard. Either way, in the grand scheme of teenage behaviour this isn't something I could get stressed over and I definitely wouldn't be taking phones etc away for this misdemeanour.

I'd tell her that was a horrible way to speak, ask where she learnt language like that and then take away phone, WiFi or TV for a couple of days ie you've learnt that language somewhere and it's not from me so goodbye phone/TV/WiFi.

Ludicrous comment. Do you seriously think that this "language" cannot be heard in schools or in other public places? "Shit" isn't even serious swearing either, it's very mild. Perhaps children should never go to school or leave the house because they might hear "such language" indeed!

Can anyone really imagine a teenager calling their sibling "a little poo" instead, just so as not to offend a pearl clutching parent?

All OP needed to do was to stop them shoving each other in a public area because other people were close by and could get hurt. Nothing else was required and no need to make such a mountain out of a molehill.

Honestly, my three as teenagers called each other all the names under the sun yet still remained good friends. They still do now in their twenties and are very close. They are also aware that there is a time and a place, and are polite to other people as and when the occasion demands.

Ah, @Topseyt123 you have made me realise that I should cherish my little children thinking that the worse insult is to call each other a poo baby (I do struggle not to laugh tbh)!

Ditto. Some of these responses are massive overreactions. I’d still call my brother an arrogant little shit now, and we’re practically middle aged!

A couple of months ago, I was pushing my toddler on the swing and listening to another small child (around 4-5, probably reception) telling his mum about an argument he'd had at school.

It went something like this. "And Freddie called me a poo poo head, so I telled him he was a wee wee head and he cried."

The mum replied absentmindedly, "It's"told", sweetie, not "telled". You told Freddie he was a wee wee head".

To be fair, she looked very tired 😂.

😂I don't know this woman but I love her.

l think it is savvy not to get caught doing something wrong tbh and DD isn’t saying he did any more than I saw with my own eyes anyway.
Does that count for both dc? If dd had punched ds and you hadn't seen you wouldn't have done anything?

I agree. Sounds like typical gobby teenagers having a spat.

Sounds like he was being an arrogant little shit, as far as his big sister was concerned. Can’t fault her for bluntness.

In fairness to your son, 13yo younger brothers are almost always little shits from the perspective of older sisters.

@Fantina , can you see how condemning your language is of your DD and how it excuses DS? I’m sure it isn’t intentional, but DS is definitely reaping the golden child vibes.

That sounds pretty normal for teen siblings to me, you've said your bit, they know you are displeased, and now please let it go.

I am more surprised at a 16 and 13 year old wanting to be taken out for a treat by their mum than anything else! I suppose it depends what the treat involved but it was obviously not a stress free time.

Normal behaviour. My teenage dcs day far worse to each other.

My two have said much worse to each other.
But to be honest he sounds like the golden child my mum was the same with my my brother he is the youngest and golden boy.
He could get away with anything we spoke up we got a telling of.