How would you handle this - DD called DS a ‘little shit’

[Fantina]

Took the DC on a much awaited (and expensive) treat night and had a lovely time. As we left the venue they were pushing and shoving each other and the pavement was busy with pedestrians so I told them both off and told them to stop it and not to spoil the evening.

Teen DD refuses to let anything drop with DS and she doubles down and says he was an ‘arrogant little shit’. I told her to apologise to him as I’d asked them both to stop and she’d carried it on. She refused despite him apologising to her for his part in the shoving.

Now I’m upset that both of them can’t behave and that DD not only called him that out of nowhere but that she doesn’t respect me enough to drop things when I ask so our time out doesn’t get marred.

Would you just have let this comment slide? I don’t think it is acceptable and it’s like she backs me into a corner of needing to address his tone and language towards him.

This. In spades.

Swearing is one thing but calling someone a shit (and especially doing it in front of your DM) is an unacceptable step up imo. I'm assuming that the brother was being no more of a shit than the sister. Clearly I'm in the minority here though!

Over reaction and emotional manipulation from you.

The behaviour was unacceptable, but also really not unusual. As with young children, set out clear expectations and known consequences, give a warning, then apply consequences.

What strikes me is this thread is focused more on your own hurt feelings than the impact on your DS.

If there is sibling rivalry/bullying, there are ways to deal with it. They need support to have a nicer life.

I really don't see the issue. He annoyed her, she reacted. I couldn't get worked up about it

Well was he being a little shit?

If you take them out again place yourself between them so they can't push and shove.

@TiredCatLady mine was older and stronger but yes I recognise this.

They are both teenagers. I’m sure DS is hardly traumatised. His friends probably call him much worse. Yeah DD should have apologised but emotions were probably still running high. I don’t feel like it’s a massive issue?

I personally think this sounds quite normal. Poor behaviour but fairly typical between siblings. Me and my brother were the same at that age but a couple of years later we became really close and actually started socialising together.
I would let them know I wasn't impressed and it had spoilt the end of the evening for me - but I wouldn't give it any more thought.

I see many families where girls are favoured and pandered to. I suppose all families are different.

What an utterly ridiculous thread. They are 16 and 13, and you consider “little shit” an upsetting remark?
Maybe ask her to use euphemisms instead when in public, so people won’t be judging 🙄

It sounds like something and nothing to me!

How do the two of them usually get on?

Teenagers can be a pain. You should’ve expressed your disappointment and left it at that.

Total overreaction. You should have picked her up on the language at the time and then let it go. It’s not unusual for teens to bicker. They need to learn to manage the fallings out and rapprochements themselves not have you swooping in every time.

I absolutely agree with this.

There’s a saying, pick your battles.

I’m guessing ds initiated the shoving and dd retaliated, hence the comment.

She’s apologised (for the shoving) but obviously still feels aggrieved with her brother. I’d let it go.

I'd be a bit more than annoyed if an arrogant little shit had got physical with me whilst I was in the middle of my GCSEs and my mother had a go at me for not being nicer to him.

Three years is developmentally huge between them. Remind your dd that ds is only 13 and that she knows better than to use language like that. Remind ds there are limits as well. End of.

I thought you were going to say she was 8 or something.

I'm embarrassed to say mine are 12 and 14 and use a lot worse language.

😂

This is not a little child, it it a 16 year old - a young adult who in other consequences might have a job, etc.

I think imposing "consequences" on her, such as confiscation of her possessions (as some of you are suggesting) for use of the word "shit" is horribly infantilising.

🤷‍♀️🙈

In your shoes op I think I would have told them both to behave, like you did, at the time and I would have done it firmly too. Then I would have ignored and moved on.

But over the next couple of days, I would have had an individual, calm, private chat with them both.

With your dd I would have sat her down and asked her why she used that particular phrasing. What her db had been doing to prompt it. And I would have said a little bit about setting an example, regulating her emotions, and how we all need to feel that we support one another inside a family and not disrespect one another.

And with her db I would have addressed any winding up techniques he used on his sister and said the same thing about family being supportive and self regulation.

And I think I would have probably added a line to them both about feeling a bit disappointed in their behaviour after an expensive treat, and lob in a bit about future expectations.

That all looks a lot written down but it’s a three minute conversation with each child.

Mine are slightly older than yours op. However my response would have been a sharp. "Don't use that sort of language about your brother" then directed to both of them "stop the showing I'm NOT telling the pair of you again".

Usually that would have been enough. However I do wonder herr. Why did dd have to apologise for showing but ds didnt?. The swearing I feel was mild for teenagers (though I would have reacted) the apology set dd up to be in the wrong and ds to feel vindicated. They both misbehaved.

What did your DS do ?
Actually what they both do exactly, you gloss over it but saying pushing and shoving.But who started it and who was doing what?

Two teenagers physically fighting on the street and there were no consequences? When they didn't stop the evening should have ended and everyone brought home. You rewarded their behaviour by staying, so they know they can behave as they want and nothing happens

I would have not made a big thing of it. Turning it into a standoff where the teens have to apologise in a public place when they are narked with each other is going to fail.

I would have stood between them, told them if they can't walk nicely they will have to hold my hand and then made conversation about the event or something to de-escalate.

Back home I would have spoken to them both calmly about not behaving like that in public and talked about how they could have done things differently.

To be fair they probably do find each other really irritating at the moment.