How would you handle this - DD called DS a ‘little shit’

[Fantina]

Took the DC on a much awaited (and expensive) treat night and had a lovely time. As we left the venue they were pushing and shoving each other and the pavement was busy with pedestrians so I told them both off and told them to stop it and not to spoil the evening.

Teen DD refuses to let anything drop with DS and she doubles down and says he was an ‘arrogant little shit’. I told her to apologise to him as I’d asked them both to stop and she’d carried it on. She refused despite him apologising to her for his part in the shoving.

Now I’m upset that both of them can’t behave and that DD not only called him that out of nowhere but that she doesn’t respect me enough to drop things when I ask so our time out doesn’t get marred.

Would you just have let this comment slide? I don’t think it is acceptable and it’s like she backs me into a corner of needing to address his tone and language towards him.

I think I’d go down the route of telling them

I know it’s unrealistic to think you don’t swear just show some respect and don’t talk like that in front of me

And was he being an “arrogant little shit? “

i can’t get myself all shook up about swearing, they are only words. iMO Shit is barely a swear word.

This! I have 16 and 13 yr olds (older son, younger daughter) and they love and hate each other. As a PP said, I'd probably do a "oi, language!" If they swear, but honestly, the teenage crap I'm dealing with right now, an argument and one calling the other a little shit is waaaaay down the list of battles I'm gonna pick

Some mad replies on here.
I'd tell her that was a horrible way to speak, ask where she learnt language like that and then take away phone, WiFi or TV for a couple of days ie you've learnt that language somewhere and it's not from me so goodbye phone/TV/WiFi.
If they say that they learned it at school, should they stop attending ?

There are some sensible replies though.
Dd- watch your language
Ds- stop winding your sister up
Both- stop shoving each other in the middle of the street.

It’s not half as bad as you think OP. No teen is going to shut up because you told them to, and certainly won’t apologise to someone who is equally in the wrong as them. Why are you focusing on the mild swearing rather than telling them both off for shoving etc ? I suspect that your kids know that you are a softie hence them not stopping shoving etc immediately.

I have a girl/boy with a 4 year age gap and they have both called each other far worse.
I do pull them up on it (usually with a sharp "be nice") but its not a huge deal to me, I won't allow either of them to bully or be truly awful to eachother but they need to navigate their own relationship now

Really? Genuinely who cares? It’s pretty mild language as far as things go and he probably was being a shit. Maybe if he was 6 or something but they’re fairly close in age and both of them probably swear like troupers when you’re not around. I’d tell her to watch her language then not give it a second thought. Not consider taking away wifi or phones ffs.

Perhaps he was being a little shit? I think you’re making this a huge deal over nothing actually and I can’t believe some of dramatic responses on here… 🙄

I'd certainly not have accepted that behaviour at all. My DC I'm sure swore at each other at that age but wouldn't have done so in front of me and still wouldn't as adults. You clearly have standards and your DD has not respected that (because she's a teen) but yes I think you need to certainly let her know her actions have consequences.

Same, when I read the post I thought the kids were little like 5 and 8 years old 😂

Meh. Mountain out of a molehill.

If I'd wanted to address it and really make it stop I would have said something very loudly to embarrass them both in front of strangers. They don't like that, it has far more of an impact.

I would tell her that she may well be right but there is a time and a place.

And if they can't get along civilly, can they please both shut up so that you at least can enjoy your day out. While joyous companionship is clearly best, you'll take grumpy silence over narky moaning at each other.

If all else failed, I'd offer money. £10 to be good company or £5 for complete silence.

It's not standard behaviour. It may not be uncommon but there are plenty of families where this wouldn't happen. Thats why it's hard to give advice to the OP.

😂This made me laugh!

Agreed, honestly the outrage of some of the responses here are insane. I was doing way worse at 16..... (I'm a fully functioning adult with a good job, mortgage and children btw, I didn't end up in prison😂)

You should be able to take them anywhere at that age, not like they are 3 and 6. I'm thinking grounded for a week. A talk about manners and how ridiculous they look behaving like toddlers wouldn't go amiss.

I'd tell her that was a horrible way to speak, ask where she learnt language like that

What a ridiculous question. Do you think there's a single 16 year-old in the country who doesn't regularly hear the word 'shit' or indeed much worse than that?!

Also, you can't 'force' children to apologise and trying to do so will not achieve any kind of learning or self-reflection for them. You have to model the behaviour and trust that they will develop these skills over time but teenage brains are still developing and they are still impulsive and reactive a lot of the time.

Thanks for all the replies, it’s really helpful to see the variety of views.

There is some significant history in that DS competes nationally in his sport and DD feels it takes up all of EXDH’s time and attention to the extent that he no longer watches her compete in the same sport at a lower level. DS imo isn’t arrogant or a little shit but is confident in his ability but it is the lack of parity between time and attention from EXDH that is the real problem.

I accept that they swear at each other and worse when I’m not around but surely I should be respected enough for them to stop when I ask? I said to DD that should would not have continued in front of a teacher. It changed the atmosphere of a lovely and expensive evening into a grumpy one and I probably also need to learn to ignore/smooth these things over more effectively.

I think I’m bothered more than DS, yes, and he is savvy enough not to retaliate in front of me which I’ve also recommended to DD!

Ah, so DS is the golden child.

”confident in his abilities” …….. “he is savvy enough” …….

IOW, arrogant little shit?

This screams golden child dynamics to me.

He's even being praised for being 'savvy enough not to retaliate in front of me'. So, actually, DD is being told off for not hiding her emotions so that they don't inconvenience you.

I'd love her experience of the dynamics in this family.

Honestly, you're doing waaaaay too much overthinking around the whys and whats of this.

More succinctly put!

And this, 100%. I was your DD

To answer a few questions, I told them both to stop shoving - it was very crowded and it appears DS had been accidentally jostled into DD, she had shoved him, he retaliated and she shoved again - something and nothing.

It was how DD carried it on that annoyed me.

I asked them both to apologise to each other (which DS did) or at the very least to stop carrying it on so we could continue peacefully.

I do think they are old enough not to be doing this on a special occasion at their age. I also accept that I could ignore more of this behaviour rather than reprimanding them on the spot.

I’m hearing that he gets loads of attention, and is praised a lot.
he likely started the argument, then ‘was savvy enough’ to say a fake sorry and stop when you asked to appease you, whilst dd felt hard done by having to apologise to him when she didn’t start it and knows db did not mean his apology, he just knows how to play his parents better (no judgement on him, he’s 13)
instead of dealing with the whole thing better, you’ve told them (but mostly her) that they’ve (shes) ruined the entire evening. I can see why she might feel some injustice there..

DS “accidentally jostled”
DD “shoved”

Honestly, OP, says it all.