Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

your husband is a twat, I’d be making plans to leave him

Yeah, this happens and it would indeed be interesting to vary the routine and see what he does. My father used to disturb us while we were busy to do something non urgent that very moment, purely to assert that he had to be the top priority at all times. He also got shitty when told to wait.

If that's what it is, all I can suggest is holding your ground and making it clear you don't accept his claim as the permanent top priority on his own terms. There'll be scenes but hopefully, eventually he'll give up...and at some point in the future, since you don't love him and don't really want to be married to him, you can look at separation when your daughter is of an age to make it more workable.

Yep, selfish.

4 people in our house leave at slightly different times within the space of 20 minutes. If one of us misses the slot, everyone is late.

Also- maybe he needs to start respecting her privacy in the bathroom instead of just walking in. If I need to go in the bathroom and one of my daughters is in there, I will say 'Can I just grab my xxxx?' They will then say 'yes' or 'not yet.' They do the same for me. No-one goes in when Dad is in there. It's generally agreed he's too stinky😉

No I can’t do that. Things happen in a set order at a set time, using objects that are in set places. The alarm goes off then I do the thing. This is a constant source of arguments anyway, because DH doesn’t understand why I can’t do the thing right now - I tell him the alarm isn’t due to go off for another three minutes but he’s just like “so?”

While I wouldn't act like your DH is, I would find your rigidity incredibly difficult to live with. It really isn't standard behaviour, and I'd find it as odd as he does.

Does he do other things to assert himself as the top priority that everyone else has to work around?

Can some of the people on here read what the OP is saying - stop focusing on when to brush teeth and focus on the fact that her daughter is autistic which answers the question of why such a rigid routine is important - ffs have some empathy and understanding!"

I accept that some autistic children need very strict routine.

However, this is the OP's description of what her DD does in her 15 minutes bathroom "slot"
Use the toilet.
Wander off to find a doll.
Wash her face and hands.
Pretend to be a unicorn.
Brush her teeth.
Cry about something.
Brush her hair.
Inspect her wobbly tooth in the mirror.
Unroll the toilet paper.
Roll it up again.
Put sunscreen on if it’s hot.

That doesn't sound like a rigid routine. It sounds like a 7 year old procrastinating about getting ready.

Our dentist says you definitely shouldn't clean your teeth before breakfast. He said whilst it offers some protection the damage done by having your breakfast remnants in your mouth all day is way worse.

Dentists are human though so probably all disagree.

Haha this sounds exactly like our morning!! Drives me mad!! My husband WFH too so he literally has the bathroom to himself ALL DAY while we are out. Infuriating!!!
My daughter doesn't have a rush in her so it's hard enough nagging her to get ready on time as it is!!!
I feel for you!

What does he think the solution is?
What are you with him?

It's not about the daughters need for a routine though, but the OPs. She sets alarms and timers for things, and did so even before she had her daughter.

If there is 3 minutes left before a tasks alloted time, the OP waits for the alarm...

Toothbrush in kitchen sink
Or get shoes & coat on a bit quicker.
Or share the bathroom? We do in our house.

Should your partner better - certainly sounds like it. But tbh you should pretty inflexible too. And yes I know I know asd - but honestly as someone whose whole family has HF ASD think it's okay to have negotiable needs.

Also if your kid is ND it's highly possibly that both parents are. Maybe he has time blindness or something else is causing stress. Try examining each others un met needs. Yes he's still be an arse but being right and entirely inflexible isn't really helping the situation either

He's doing it deliberately.

Bin him.

We're a multi generational household with 1 bathroom and overcrowding.

Those of us who need a wash and to brush teeth and can't get in the bathroom have spares in the kitchen so we can use the kitchen sink.

Don’t know anyone who does timed slots…you never heard….first up best dressed?…..you snooze you lose? …….I raised 3 kids with 1 small bathroom…. You got in when you could…..same for everyone I know

Sounds exactly like that

Agree - athough the OP didn't help by making the ASD aspect a massive drip feed, instead of starting with that which would have made the whole thing make more sense.

Many people (me included) do. get up, wash up (includes teeth), get dresses, prepare breakfast.

But that isn´t the isse. The issue is OP´s DH! As she herself put it:

She shouldn’t be “getting stuck” because a selfish man can’t be bothered to get up half an hour earlier. Why doesn’t DH clean HIS teeth in the kitchen sink if he needs to?

OP´s DD is an autistic seven yo. This is a grown man who simply wants to stay in bed as long as possible...

Same. I work shifts so have a time that I cannot leave the house later than, or I’ll be late for work. If (by some miracle) I’m ready early, I wouldn’t just sit around and wait for that time, I’d just go!

https://www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-in-adults/amp/

Going on the ND being inheritable theory.

It is a totally dick move however. It does also sound like you’ve perhaps lost your good will and patience to communicate constructively with him about this? (not remotely criticism, I feel your pain)

This is incorrect and brushing directly after eating is far worse.

There are clearly other issues here

I'm sorry

Take his toothbrush. Return it at 8am

Actually I think you are all in the wrong here. I get that having ASD means that sticking to a routine can be good for them. BUT, how is your DD going to cope if she expects everyone to stick to her very inflexible routine? Why can't you just get her up on time, get her washed dressed etc even if you are 3 minutes early?
Your DH should not barge into the bathroom that is definitely wrong, but if his routines vary then how can he fit into your routine?
And, yes, I have an adult child with ASD. He likes a routine but has had to learn to be more flexible in some things as it would drive the rest of us mad.