Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

Experts suggest that brushing before you have your breakfast is more beneficial for your tooth enamel than after. This is because over the course of the night, bacteria that causes plaque build-up in your mouth multiply.

www.oral-b.co.in › conditions

I feel like if you keep bonking him on the head he'll eventually get the message.

Because you build up lots of plaque and gunk overnight so you eat and swallow it all? I didn’t know people eat breakfast before brushing their teeth.

Having said that her DH is a selfish asshole.

This - and please update his response! But make sure you have spares for you and DD as no doubt he will hide yours

She doesn't expect everyone to stick to an inflexible routine. She expects her father, with whom she shares a bathroom and who has far more flexibility than she has, to stay out for 15 set minutes every morning so she can use it in time to get to school. He can get up a little earlier or wait until she's done because his day allows that, and there is another toilet available, albeit not the nicer one, if he really cannot go outside of that small slot.

No real suggestions but just wanted to say I really feel for you and your daughter and he is a lazy, entitled man child.

An autistic child NEEDS routine and he doesn't give a shit about that. You're there doing everything you can to ensure mornings run smoothly and he seems to do everything he can to fuck them up.

The autism part should’ve been in your OP.

this is the important part.

your husband not being mindful of your autistic DDs need for routine.

I actually think the autism is a bit of a red herring.

The DD needs a few minutes to perform her morning ablutions and has a small window to do so as she needs to leave the house by a certain time to get to school. It makes not a whit of difference if she is ND or NT if she needs to brush her teeth and brush her hair in a certain time slot and that's the one DH has picked for his morning poo.

I don't understand why two people can't be brushing their teeth at the same time in the family bathroom? And brushing your hair? If she needs the mirror to do that, just stick one on the wall in her bedroom or get her a dressing table. Sorry, I think you're making a massive mountain out of a molehill.

And as others have said, it's bad for your teeth to brush them straight after breakfast.

Thank god, i thought i was the only one that thought it was odd. Family bathroom, family use, theres often 2 of us brushing teeth, washing face etc at the same time.

there’s a warm clean family bathroom and she’s prebooked a 15 minute slot to use it

@Spelunk I think you sound quite controlling. I wouldn't appreciate my DH telling me when I can use the bathroom in my own house

I sympathise with some of your other concerns though

Having read all of OP's replies, it has a lot less to do with DD being ready for school on time and a lot more to do with incredibly rigid and inflexible thinking. Alarms for every task which must be adhered to to the minute, a refusal to store objects anywhere other than the place they have always been in, or to change the order of the tasks which have to be done, or to perform any of the tasks in a slightly different way (e.g. with 2 people using the same mirror at once). It sounds like a military academy.

I've never met anyone who sets alarms for when each family member is using the bathroom. Or a family of 3 that can't co-ordinate the use of one bathroom without such an elaborate routine.

He doesn't just decide to brush his teeth at the very moment the daughter is in the same space to brush her hair in front of the mirror and not any time before or after despite his more flexible timescale. OP said he also comes in and sits on the toilet to shit while she's brushing her teeth. Maybe some people are OK with that but it's absolutely fine not to be and not something to impose on someone.

People are saying the daughter or OP are forcing a schedule on him but he's forcing it on them. He could use the bathroom more or less any time, within reason, but he's making a point of going in the short, pre-set window that the daughter is using it.

It's territorial.

Your husband is being massively selfish and anyone who thinks you are unreasonable or over the top doesn't understand autism.

Routines are vital for people with autism, and by disrupting this, your useless husband is hampering her development. Without the ability to form and stick to routines to compensate for her impaired executive functioning, your daughter will be unable to function or have a chance of living independently as an adult.

From personal experience as somebody with autism, I cannot emphasize enough how important routines are: the ability to create them, and to actually follow them. Don't underestimate how much she will deviate from her peers as she gets older. Once you get to mid teens and older, the differences in ability become very very apparent between autistic people and their peers, and your husband then won't understand what's gone wrong given that he is hamstringing your ability to provide her with life skills.

Not only is he teaching her that routines and timekeeping aren't important, he's taking away the emotional security and stability of knowing what to expect, which is also important for people with autism.

It is very disrespectful and inappropriate to shit in front of her. Seven is way too old for this invasion, and is teaching her abnormal boundaries - something she will have extra difficulty comprehending as somebody with autism. It puts her at risk of, for example, shitting in front of people and not understanding why people are disgusted or why it's a big deal. Worse, it puts her at risk of toilet-related abuse in the future because she won't know what's normal.

The shitting stops right now. Never let it happen again and stop downplaying how bad this behaviour is. Put a lock on the door and use it.

His deliberately upsetting your child to make her seek you is an example of weaponized incompetence: when men deliberately perform a task poorly to escape having to do it at all. Because it's easier for the wife to just do it herself.

He's a useless bastard. He can easily book his own time slot in. If he needed a shit on the motorway he could wait until the next service station. Edit to add, I agree with previous posters that his behaviour is territorial. It's about asserting that you can't tell him what to do in his own house and bathroom, and that he's more important as a man than a little girl.

Then you don't understand autism. Strict routines are necessary to compensate for impaired executive function, and to feel relaxed and secure.

Yanbu my ex did this all the time it used to infuriate me he also did the same when I was trying to get ready for work. Except he would go in the bathroom 2 minutes before it was time for any of us to get ready and lock the door and have a shit, shower and shave. After 100s of arguments about it the truth finally came out and he said "I won't be dictated to in my own home when I can and can't use the bathroom" so he was purposely making everyone's lives difficult and everyone late to make a point.Its just unbelievably selfish and immature

I agree that's rude and disgusting and I'd tell him he has to wait until she's done brushing her teeth. But this timetabled approach she's set up which must be adhered to exactly is bordering on insane and I'm not surprised he's rebelling against it. We are a family of 3 and if someone is in the loo when we're wanting to brush our teeth we just wait 2 minutes. Not to mention all the tasks they are doing in the bathroom which don't actually need to be done in the bathroom.

He's deliberately sabotaging you. Showing you who's boss.
I understand you say you can't leave but I wondered if you could think about how/when you could do this. It doesn't sound like he'd want her with him much, good in one way but makes it harder for you job-wise/financially.

I agree too, especially when OP said she always has used time slots . It's so regimented .

I've worked with autistic children, I'm married to an autistic man and I am a stepmother to an autistic child. There's routine and there's this level of scheduling. Even visual timetables rarely have specific times written on them, especially not for a 7 year old who probably can't even tell the time yet. I have never yet come across an autistic child who is so attached to a routine that they have set times of the day they pee at, or they cannot wait 2 minutes to brush their teeth because someone else is in the bathroom.

I trust the OP is doing what's best for her daughter. It's the only 15 minutes of the day he can't use it.

He's a wanker though, apart from not using the OTHER toilet they have, he pushes dd out of the way when he wants the mirror.

Yep this was what my dad was like. He was the same with seats. It didn't matter what seat in the living room you were sat on, if he came in he would make at least one person move so he could sit where they were sitting. It didn't matter if they had a bad back, a poorly leg, he would wake people up because it was his house and he wasn't going to let anyone else tell him where he could sit in his own house

This sounds like your rigid routine, not your daughter's. The fact you have an alarm going every 15 minutes to get her to move from one activity to the next shows this (and sounds horrible and stressful). It's your husband's house too. Just move all the non-bathroom items (like hair bobbles and sun cream) and then learn to share and negotiate bathroom use like most families do. We are five, including two with autism, and one bathroom and none of us get up early and we manage just fine. This is all your issue.

You obviously only work with and know the most mildly autistic mainstreamed children.

I'm sorry, how are three 15 minute slots for the child to perform three 3 minute tasks "insanely regimented"? The long times slots give her plenty of flexibility to faff around and play in between the actual tasks.

OP is doing well for keeping her autistic child in track and on time in the mornings.