Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

Wake your daughter up at 7:00

😂😂

@ADHDposs
Hence grazing really is bad for the teeth - the longer the gaps between eating the better.

Meant with kindness (and your husband is a knob) - are you also autistic? As that’s what your posts are screaming out to me. Quite often this can cause the other adult to back up too, because the ‘reason’ everything has to happen in your order isn’t really an order that applies to all or is necessarily understandable to others. He may also be neurodivergent and again this can cause inflexibility on both parts culminating in these really petty clashes.

He could use the bathroom at a different time, you could brush hair and apply sun cream in a different room….etc. You seem to only see this from your own perspective even when others are suggesting other (better) ways to do it such as wash and teeth before breakfast etc. I wonder if part of his (ridiculous) entrenchment in not adhering to your timings is because they’re imposed by you and don’t necessarily make sense to him.

None of the above excuses the fact that he would use the toilet in front of his child or that he’s not helping in the morning routine however! But it comes across as though you really don’t like him, and that he’s mentally totally checked out. Bigger issues than just a bathroom slot.

Jumping into the brushing debate, I went to an NHS toothbrushing webinar and the advice was to brush 30 mins before eating to allow fluoride to set and also don't brush within 30 mins after eating so you don't damage the enamel.

Very hard to time brushing and breakfast in the morning then, especially with kids! So I brush before breakfast as it seems better than brushing after.

This.

Sorry OP but sounds like another responsible parent trying to parent with a thoughtless, selfish man baby in residence.
From experience I would think it is a deliberate move. Gets enjoyment by upsetting your organised routine if he can. Probably happens in other areas of your life.

He sounds an absolute nightmare. What is he finding so hard to grasp about this situation? Is he very very stupid or very very selfish? Or both? I would be absolutely raging! Is this a one off quirk or is he like this in other situations? I don't know what you can do as your daughter's needs seem very clear and easy to understand.

Besides the point, because he is a selfish arsehole, we have two sets of tooth brushes and toothpaste. One upstairs and one downstairs. More convenient tbh.

I agree with this. But I’d find it so rude if someone else was coming into the bathroom to take a dump whilst I was cleaning my teeth 🤮. That needs to stop.

Actually I am full of admiration for your early morning get to school routine. You've clearly gone into a lot of thought about how to help her.

Having had to juggle two primaries and a baby for the morning school run, one a particularly dreamy disorganised child, I know that some children like a simple clockwork timetable and it can also mean that they are calm and collected and have done everything and brought everything they need, which helps them so much to arrive at school in a good frame of mind, Instead of a late, disorganised, upset mess.
I bet it works brilliantly when your DH is'nt around to disrupt it.

There's been a lot of good suggestions for a work around DH that would allow your DD access to the bathroom when she needs it and I was thinking, yes I'd probably do that, just to get to school without having to involve pleading with him every day.

But then I thought for heavens sake.. its just 15 flipping minutes a day when your DH has to allow her some time - hardly a big ask, time for him to play on his phone or have a coffee. Its not reasonable that he can't do that for his own daughter and moreover he is actually refusing to co-operate and doesn't want to admit that it is helpful to your DD in anyway. He is purely selfish, unwilling to make any adjustment, despite the fact that it is so minor and so helpful to his family.
Added to that the subsequent issues you've had with this lazy (almost absent) parenting and his tactics to avoid being a parent to your DD and I think that just working around him is not sustainable, because its not just the 15 minutes, its his entire attitude.
He won't listen to you, maybe it's time for counselling if only to show him that it's not just you who thinks his attitude stinks. Other than that its hard to know where to begin in dealing with his behaviour, but don't let him derail the good work you are doing with your DD.

To be honest, I don't think this is about the bathroom. It sounds like you really dislike your husband (understandably from your posts, he sounds horrible) so now everything he does annoys you. It's all very "bitch eating crackers".

But I'm not sure what resolution you're expecting? You don't want to leave him and he won't change, but you're not willing to make any changes to your routine, such as brushing your daughters hair in the bedroom. I know you shouldn't have to, but he won't change, so what's the answer?

I do think although having a routine makes sense with your daughter being neurodiverse, some of it sounds very OTT. You mention having alarms for everything and not being able to start the next activity until the alarm for that activity goes off. I'd find that a bit much to be honest.

People have made a lot of suggestions - keeping toothbrush in the kitchen, getting your daughter up earlier but you are just rejecting all of these suggestions because "he should just stop being selfish". Yes he should, but strangers on Mumsnet can't make that happen.

Personally I would be doing everything I could to get my daughter out of that house and away from him, but I understand it's not that simple.

Also please don't ignore the comments about the timing of brushing her teeth. If you can't wait half an hour after eating, you really should brush your teeth before you eat. You keep dismissing this but it really will damage the enamel if you repeatedly brush straight after eating.

That

I started my period at 9 and I would have been mortified

NRFT but -

let’s be honest he won’t change and it’s not something to leave over …but he better believe the erosion that will set in when you make adjustments such as these…

Actually it is, because if you're going to end up leaving in ten years time when you thoroughly hate his guts and he's done a million selfish things to piss you off so you finally feel it's justified, then really you may as well leave now and save yourself all the angst and wasted years.

OP you rock - I love the way you aren't taking on any nonsense side chat about your DH being an abuser or when teeth are brushed.

Some people are being deliberately obtuse. You've already said that for DD to get up earlier you would need to get up earlier than 6.30am which you have no need to do if DH could abide by some fairly basic instructions about not using the family bathroom for 15 sodding minutes.

I can imagine DH being a bit like this.Thankfully we have two bathrooms, but he still gets a bit arsey if he has to use "my" ensuite rather than the main bathroom because he can't listen to his radio in there. Plus he takes ridiculously long showers when he knows DS needs to use the bathroom.

Locking the bathroom when DD is in seems like a good idea. As is having a toothbrush in the kitchen to be used at the sink there.

Have you tried approaching it the other way, so told DH what slot is his ? So presumably 7.15-745 ?

the person making the concession should be the adult, not the child. It's even bizarre to me to consider anything else. he is being inconsiderate.

Make a fuss every single time. as others have said put up a sign.

get him doing the routine, but it's not on. its shitty and selfish of him.

Having a strict routine is the only way we survived mornings with our ASD dd. It helped that I also have ASD so I was able to signpost her pretty easily.

DH struggled a bit more because he didn’t understand the need for such rigidity. He also didn’t understand why I made large laminated cards for each task that she would complete so that I wasn’t the one directing her. Yet he saw the results and got on board quickly. Calmness reigned and we were ready on time so he started to understand there was a reason behind my crazy systems.

im sorry your husband is actively sabotaging your work with your child. It is so important to get a routine going for ASD children and then if at all possible give them the power to take charge of that routine themselves. They stop getting overwhelmed by the chaos of so much happening and stop with the pointless avoidance that often happens just from being ordered to do something.

You said you used the alarms and timetables before DD. Have you considered a Velcro visual timetable in her bedroom? Together with a mirror and a hairbrush and hair-things. that would be a nice way of showing that she’s growing up. It sounds like she manages at school without alarms (which are stressful to most people)

That is correct, however waiting for half an hour after eating before brushing takes up a lot of time if you have a busy, timed schedule. The op is obviously very organised with her time slots :-). I can't imagine it, never mind being up at 06.30 every week day. I wish her good luck though.

Going totally against the grain here, but your morning routine actually makes me feel panicky 😂.

It very much feels like the micro-scheduling is more for you, than your daughter - especially as your did it pre children. I think it's quite unusual to have bathroom slots unless you have one bathroom and multiple bathroom-hogging teens, as a last resort. Setting alarms for everything (especially not child related) if baffling to me. I couldn't live like that.

A lot (but not so) of the issues here should be resolved very easily by moving a few items. Sunscreen and hair accessories don't need to live in the bathroom (and I'd be furious if I was desperate for a poo but had to wait for someone putting sunscreen on in the bathroom). An extra toothbrush can be purchased for downstairs. That you won't even move the hair brush, says a lot about your inflexibility. It's also obvious that your absolutely despise him.

In terms of being in the bathroom at the same time, theres a huge range of 'acceptable' conduct for this. It really differs between families. We are reasonably comfortable with nudity and our children don't care about privacy yet. I had a daughter the same age as the OP, and she'll happily come in and have a poo when I'm in the bath (yay... Not!) and I'll certainly wee if she's in the bath (though would try not to poo unless necessary). My husband (their dad) is the same. If the door is closed, I'll knock, but I see nothing wrong with brushing teeth whilst someone is in the shower. When my children get old enough that they care, then we'll care.

We have an order that things happen in, of a morning, but certainly not rigid timeslots. Anything that doesn't need to be done in the bathroom isn't, which makes it free for others. We need some rigidity as we have a child with a brain injury, which requires some routine, but I'd find your timings intolerable.

I knew this would become a toothbrushonb debate as soon as I read the op!

He’s being a bellend op. YANBU.
keep bashing him on the head with the door!!! X

I don't know how you can make him change if he thinks it's just you "being horrible" but you're completely in the right. You clearly need this routine, it works when everyone sticks to it and there is another toilet if he really can't wait, albeit a less comfy one.

I don't have anything to add, but your husband is a jerk.

This. He fundamentally (pardon the irony) does not give a shit.

Some do this.
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