Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

I believe the op says it’s her daughter’s need for timetabling.

It suits us both. I run my life by alarms and calendars. DD needs routine as well, the school has put up a task board for her with times on it because she was getting distressed when asked to change task unexpectedly. The only one who doesn’t want to stick to a timed routine is DH.

Brushes and hair accessories and sunscreen are in the bathroom cupboard. I’m not packing them up and carrying them to another room because a selfish man can’t be bothered to get up ten minutes earlier.

3 (at least) people sharing a bathroom - I think you might have to!

FWIW I don’t think he’s deliberately intruding

Op you don’t seem to get how serious this is. Barging into a bathroom (when another is available) to expose yourself to a little girl and have a shit is deliberately intruding.

It is not necessary at all for her to see his dick or watch him shit. How many times has he unnecessarily exposed his dick to her?

You are not unreasonable here, OP. All households with more people than bathrooms need timeslots for the bathroom when everyone needs to get ready at the same time ,( even if these are unspoken, rather than a strict rota) .

I also wonder if your dh is the type who only finds something desirable when someone else has or needs it .

I'm going against the grain here and have to say that I would struggle to live with someone so regimented to the extent that you must do certain things at certain times, set alarms and book bathroom time slots. It would do my absolute head in. I understand why you do it, but I couldn't live like it. I think you all need a discussion as a family to work together.

Your routine sounds perfect for your dd, @Spelunk - I do love that you have built in time for her to pretend to be a unicorn!

Seriously, though, her needs should be taking priority over your dh's - you are absolutely right about that. I have never had to deal with a child with autism, but from everything I have read on here, it is very important for someone like your dd to stick to the routine that works for them - especially on a school day, when you want her to be happy and calm when she goes to school.

And if I can understand that, based only on reading other people's experiences, it beggars belief that your dh, who has a child with autism, cannot understand how his actions negatively impact on his own daughter!

Can you not wake DD up earlier? Sounds like a very rushed and frantic morning, things shouldn’t be so shoestring tight that early in the morning.

On which case she doesn't need 2 x 15 minutes in the bathroom

He takes her swimming and uses the family changing room. If he’s out with her they go into the disabled toilet together because she can’t be left unsupervised. I do the same. Often I’m in the shower and I end up with both a child and a dog in with me! If you’re caring for a child it’s difficult to avoid them ever seeing you undressed. I don’t have any concerns about him being a sexual abuser, he’s just a selfish twat.

It's absolutely disgusting that he's shitting in front of her. Not blaming you OP, but as a pp said, you need to get a lock on the door. She shouldn't have to be exposed to that.

Wtf. A grown man takes a shit in front of his daughter. I have lived a long and sometimes alternative life - I have lived in squats and I have lived in tents and I have never known a grown man to shit in front of his daughter.

Many parents are relaxed about nudity in front of their kids. They don't see it as sexual to be in a state of undress in front of children. I know men and women who go to the toilet in front of their kids, have a shower, get dressed etc.

He takes her swimming and uses the family changing room. If he’s out with her they go into the disabled toilet together because she can’t be left unsupervised. I do the same. Often I’m in the shower and I end up with both a child and a dog in with me! If you’re caring for a child it’s difficult to avoid them ever seeing you undressed. I don’t have any concerns about him being a sexual abuser, he’s just a selfish twat

There is a big difference between changing at swimming and unnecessarily shitting in front of someone. One is necessary and the other is not.

It is not normal and the majority of fathers do not do this to their daughter.

I'm biased due to my own experience here, which I never speak about in real life, but both my parents SA'd me - hundreds of miles apart and neither knowing what the other one did.

But one thing that other adults could easily have picked up on - because they witnessed it - is that both exposed their genitals to me repeatedly and had zero bathroom boundaries. So it can be linked to worse behaviour. It's worth mentioning even if it's very unlikely.

Dental advice has changed. Brushing needs to occur before eating because otherwise enamel will be too soft.

And some children do not like it.

If you’re caring for a child it’s difficult to avoid them ever seeing you undressed.

It really isn't.

... And then those acids stay on the teeth for the rest of the day...?
Brushing before eating being better is either some sort of myth or TikTok science.

Use a soft toothbrush, some toothpaste and get the food off your teeth. Don't need to be a dentist to possess some common sense.

Advice from our hygienist is never to brush your teeth immediately after eating - the ph level of your mouth changes, esp if you have anything acidic, and you damage the enamel. You should brush on waking (and then just rinse and swill with water if you have issues over foot residue).

So, yes, DH is being selfish, but a better routine is for DD to get up/wash/dress, then eat breakfast. Quickly rinse your mouth in the downstairs loo if necessary. No conflict, no drama, do damage to tooth enamel.

You need an en-suite 😛

Your husband sounds horrible, OP, but I wanted to pick up on when you said in the OP that you hit him on the head with the cupboard. Did you mean he accidentally hit his head on the cupboard or that you deliberately hit him?

You do sound incredibly rigid, OP, and I can see how many people would find it annoying. Most people just muddle through in the mornings without a rigid timetable. However it sounds like you (and possibly your daughter) really need that rigidity in order to feel comfortable. And I agree with pp about your DH barging into the bathroom when your daughter is in there - it's inappropriate at best.

I think you need to get a lock on the door, a toothbrush by the sink, and explain to your husband that his behaviour around his child is inappropriate. But also I think it might be that you need to change your morning routine somehow to make your mornings work.

How selfish of him OP. My ex would often snooze his alarm for ages in the morning and keep going back to sleep. Then the second my alarm went off (any time I'd have it set for) he'd leap out of bed and be in the bathroom for fucking ever. Then he'd swan off to work leaving me to get ready and get four kids to different places and to work myself. Life is infinitely better without him.

Surely people don't brush their teeth after every meal or snack? As a bit of a grazer, I'd have to brush my teeth 10 times a day!

If you and dd are in first lock the door to stop him joining you. Coming in to shit/pee when someone is brushing their teeth is disgusting. Pushing into the sink when she is using it is rude.

When you hear him stirring make a beeline for the bathroom and lock it.