Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

I agree with you BlueJellycat and it's why I'd never dare start a thread on a problem I had.

I remember when it was much more compassionate, especially outside of AIBU. It's a shame because there are so few other websites with people so much in the same boat and who know what it's like.

You can suggest alternative courses of action/areas of possible unreasonableness etc in much more tactful ways.

The world's hard enough why make it worse?

I'm just chiming in to say how interesting it is how different people are. I totally understand that autistic children need routines, but for me the idea of living on schedule is hell. Some days I wake up at 5, some days at 6.45, just depends. Some days I leave the house at 7, some days at 7.45, so some days I'm early for work and some days I rush in at 9.02. Sometimes my kids (6 and 8) have breakfast and then get dressed, sometimes they do the opposite. This morning my 8 year old did some homework at 5.30am because he happened to feel like it, other days I'm waking him up and he's eating breakfast on the go because we don't have much time. So, I have to say, I'm with your DH on this one. If someone wanted me to follow 15 min timeslots for the bathroom, I'd feel like I was in some f**king army bootcamp. I couldnt do it. Unbelievably stressful thought. I dont think either of you are wrong, I think youre incompatible.

Just checked with my 18yr daughter on this situation, her immediate response your DH is in the wrong, if he can't spare 15mins for his autistic daughter's routine he is very selfish. Whether he is autistic himself or not he needs to allow your daughter to keep to her important routines. Either couple therapy or divorce.

@BingoNight

why did you ask your 18 year old daughter?

I often ask her for her thoughts and views on situations sometimes to see if they match my own and we can discuss it together.

Haven't read the full thread but yes, this would irritate me too. We have very specific time slots in our house so everyone can leave for work/school on time. I have to be finished by 7.15 so my daughter can get in and do her teeth etc and leave by 7.25am. I then have to avoid being in bathroom around 7.40 (if I'm starting later) as my younger daughter had to leave for her bus by 7.50.

I think there are quite a few people on here who do not understand how difficult it is to get autistic small children to do things like brush their teeth, get dressed, etc etc. My DGD is diagnosed autistic with a PDA profile which means she needs to feel she is in control all the time and does not respond well to being told what to do. However she does understand scheduling and routines. If the OPs daughter is the same it is not as easy as saying brush your teeth. She will use all sorts of avoidance excuses or get distracted so it is much more difficult dealing with that than if the child is NT. Having a routine helps as it is something the child knows happens every day at a certain time and she is then more open to completing the task. The dad must know that and instead of helping goes out of his way to disrupt the routine. No wonder the OP sounds frazzled.

You have a bathroom schedule?! I have a husband and three children and have never felt the need to time things in the morning or any other time, never mind scheduling bathroom usage.

I think I’m with your husband, scheduling like this is bizarre behaviour.

It is not the OP who is setting the routine. It is to help their autistic daughter. Do they just send her away? 🙄

She’s not changing her routine for him, you are which is why you don’t like it.

this is a you and him thing, it’s got zero to do with your daughter.

You're with the man who walks in while his kid brushes her teeth and shits in front of her? That's not bizarre?

It sounds like 7.45-8am is the prime bathroom slot for people who need to leave the house just after 8. Whoever gets that slot gets to stay in bed as late as possible. Whoever doesn't get it needs to get up 15 mins earlier. Why should your DH get the prime slot, or on the other hand why should your DD? Maybe just do what's easier and forget about what's right in principle. It's only 15 mins

Nothings going to change with you posting about it on here, we're all in agreement he's a selfish lazy twat and all thanking our lucky stars we're not stuck with him. Tell him to stop it and if he won't put your foot down or change his sodding alarm clock. Poor kid having to deal with that stress every morning 🙄

A mother taking on the sole mental load of caring for a child with autism, and it seems an awful lot of the day to day childcare…. She is not as bad as him and you sound like an awful person for saying so

It's 15 minutes out of 24 hours.
thus there are 23 hours and 45 minutes that the dh can use to shit to his heart's content ! or use the downstairs loo !!!

Yep selfish just need to have it out with him. if he can’t accommodate this demand he buys a bigger house for you all

Hilarious all these people on here diagnosing the husband with ADHD on literally zero information! Maybe you lot should get a real job instead of being armchair psychologists.

Your entitled to your opinion, however as usual with this site basing on one side of the story, and even worse you are trying to diagnose her husband based on limited information.

The husband sounds like a real dick, but the OP doesn't sound much better, for relationship to work both partners need to work together and at times make compromises that work for everyone, and purely based on some of her responses she comes across just as selfish and both are unwilling to compromise for the sake of the child.

the routine makes no sense. I understand not wanting to eat breakfast after brushing teeth but why would you get washed after getting dressed? surely she could get up and use the bathroom first to go toilet/wash then get dressed then have breakfast leaving her to only need to use the bathroom for 3mins.

So many posts saying that DD should change her routine 🤦🏻‍♀️
why should she when it’s already a routine in place and works. DH isn’t in a routine by the sounds of things and should respect their system. Especially if DD is autistic. Getting kids ready for school is not fun!

and as for the teeth before or after debate .. that’s not the point 🥱

why does it need to make sense to you? It’s their routine and it works for them until DH gets in the way.

The thing I am dying to ask but it is admittedly a bit of a derailer is how many alarm clocks do you have OP? And how long does it take to set them all? And what if one fails? ( That’s happened to me before and I only have to grapple with one, set last thing at night for first thing in the morning). But do you have an alarm-setting session to get them all ready? Or do you carry one and reset as you go?

We don’t have a schedule or routine
we have a quick convo the night before goes a bit like this

me: what time are you leaving tomorrow
partner: 8
me: what time do you want the bathroom
partner: 7
me: ok I am leaving at 07:15 so I will go in the bathroom at 06:15
partner: ok that works for me what time shall I set the alarm 6?
me: yeah that good

my partner will then get up with me at 6 and make me a brew and breakfast while I am the shower. If I am working from home I will take a later slot and make him breakfast

The couple have had an autistic child together. The mother is the only one taking responsibility for the best way to bring up an autistic child. The dad is carrying on as normal.
do you not see that the father has a responsibility to adapt to his autistic child, and a responsibility to work out ways to make her life easier?
if the father suggested an alternative routine or arrangement then this would show he is interested in sharing the mental load of raising an autistic child.
hes not doing any of this. He’s simply telling the mum that’s she’s horrible.
how can you not see the pig-headed selfishness and laziness of this man? Why are you blaming both parents?

I hope your morning went well Spelunk🌷