Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

@Sundownmemories

Are your children autistic?

"Nipping in when it's free" resulted in me getting formal written warnings for lateness at work, because I couldn't get in around my housemates.

It makes far more sense to allocate slots in the morning.

Surely there is a sink in there for someone to do their teeth?

It’s ridiculous fussing like this if there is another bathroom- Either the husband or daughter can use the other one.
But when relationships begin to unravel, bickering over solvable things like this are common.

If you had girls, would you be happy with their father using the bathroom when they did? Do you think the girls would be happy, especially when they reach menarche?

Girls need privacy from men, boys from women less so.

@Spelunk I feel your frustration esp given your DD has ASD.

I'd suggest just one change - if she can wash in the bathroom, great. Ref cleaning teeth, she can do this in the kitchen sink if he's in the bathroom.

However, why is he so selfish towards his own child is worrying. If he's selfish in other ways, I wonder why you're still in the relationship.

Bit different with housemates though isn't it?! If you're a family and someone is brushing their teeth or having a wash then you can just nip in and around them. No need for all this drama at all - autism or not.

You are giving OP way too much credit. The other toilet is in the garage. It's unheated, you needs shoes, there are spiders. I wouldn't consider that a real option is someone else in my family needs the loo.

OP doesn't love her husband, and they don't function as a family. She literally ends her last update by saying 'now I've bonked (i.e. opened a cupboard on his head) maybe he'll learn his lesson'. Because he was brushing his teeth outside of his alloted time. Please reverse the roles with this sentiment and tell me if that is in any way acceptable?

I am not saying his behaviour is perfect or ideal, but OP needs calling out as well.

Please reverse the roles noting how much responsibility the OP takes for parenting their autistic daughter. The OP is the only one who is aware of their daughters needs. The OP is the one who has worked out what kind of routine works for their daughter to make sure she is happy and gets to school.
do you realise the mental load it takes to parent an autistic child? The husband is taking no responsibility for the mental load and he is deliberately refusing to understand the routines and their importance.

'regimented' or with challenges that make her routinised behaviour necessary?

Build up of bacteria overnight. You need to get rid of all that, before you ingest it. Then you brush your teeth again after eating.

The more I hear about your husband the more I am convinced he has ADHD. Apologies to those of you who manage their ADHD well. There are plenty of people with ADHD who don’t.
the key signs for me:
The lack of responsibility,
the lack of being “in tune” with other people’s needs,
the inability to understand how much of the mental load you take on for your daugyter
the lack of respect when asked not to shout
the poor time management and planning
the impatience
the deflection (you’re horrible)
the sudden change where he helped today (that unfortunately won’t last long)
the self-importance and ego

In a houseshare? Yes. Family? No.

Not many people could live with someone so obsessed with timers and rigid routines- pre- booked slot?? In a family home??

That’s crazy.
If you are both so fundamentally different, for goodness sakes live alone-

It must be awful for both of you and the daughter living by alarms 🚨 and pre booked slots-
Is there a trumpeter doing Reveille in the morning?

Why not? What's the difference in the context of making sure everyone gets to use the bathroom in time?

All that seems a bit inflexible. DD can brush her teeth etc when she gets up. Why is everything so martialled? Maybe wake DD up earlier and be more relaxed about the whole thing. You don't say how old she is, but a more relaxed routine would serve everyone better, I think.

@MarkWithaC Read OPs posts again. The structure that allegedly is for her daughter is actually for OP. She says herself she was like that before she had a child. She's forced this routine on her DD and DH for her own benefit and won't allow even the smallest change. That is not normal. At all.

That sounds like a flat-share, OP is in the family home. One would think regimented slots don't apply. When my DCs were children we had four people to organise (and 5 if MiL stayed, who was a diabetic). One bathroom. We managed without pre-booked slots, and all got out by 7.30, to work (separately, and I got or gave a lift so had to be reasonably prompt, both of us had a 20 mile commute to arrive before 8.30, too), childminder (who ferried to school and later school bus) and school. I don't say it wasn't without the odd grumble, or soto voce complaint about MiL hogging the bathroom, but it did work.

Autistic spectrum, maybe?

Yes I understand autism. I have a severely autistic close relative. However, absolutely nobody needs a routine that strict that you're setting alarms for 15 minute intervals and nothing can be done outside of these times. That is insane and just creating even more problems.

I think I'd be confused by someone who can't do something till the alarm goes off. This is peculiar i.e not normal. Doesn't the bathroom have a lock?

No, I agree with you, having worked with autistic children in the past. No-one needs such a strict regime. I did wonder if the OP is also autistic? She seems to have an utterly rigid routine everyone else has to fit into.

So many things I want to reply to but I don't know how to multi quote:

1. OP. Sounds to me like you are doing a great job. When you write down your schedule along with the times it looks very rigid on the surface but it's clear thst you have actually built flexibility into this schedule. Dd gets 15min for her bathroom break but that allows enough time for her to play a bit and make things cheerful and pleasant. I think, it's brilliant and more importantly it seems to work for your dd. She gets the flexibility she needs and if it wasn't for your Mr Twatterson your schedule would work just fine.

1. Mr Twatterson ( or would it be politer to call him Mr Shitty McShitterson?) Is an adult so should be able to compromise a little bit on his flexibility to make things easier for his young autistic daughter. What kind of shit wouldn't do that? 15min isn't a lot to ask especially when he only has to get himself ready. Getting kids ready in the morning is a nightmare for most parents. And that's because kids are little shits as well but they are allowed to be because they are kids and still need to learn. What's his excuse?

1. Yes you can absolutely train your body to require a bowel movement every day at the same time. In many parts of the world people do exactly that and it makes life so much easier. Not saying he has to do it but obviously he needs the toilet soon after getting up on most days so if he got up earlier he'd be able to go earlier. Or later if he can arrange that with his job.

1. He is not exposing himself at least not by using the toilet st the same time as the child unless the child has said it makes her uncomfortable. It's obviously a bit disgusting and stinky but thwt is different to what pp are hinting at. Many other countries have a much more relaxed approach to nudity than the UK and this would be totally normal. I get naked without thinking about it in front of my kids all the time. I wish theyd leave me alone for 5min so i can use the toilet in peace or change but they don't. I know it's different because I'm a woman and statistics are on my side in this case but unless he is doing anything else that the op hasn't mentioned let's not muddy the waters by throwing in a baseless allegation of sexual abuse. His selfishness is bad enough.

1. My own dd is 8, NT as far as I know and she can easily spend 15min sitting on the toilet day dreaming or making up games. If it helps op's dd to get her unicorn or to pretend to be a hippo and she still manages to get ready in 15min that is great. On the one hand op is grtting stick for being too rigid but then on the other hand people want her to dd to get ready like an automaton without any playfulness at all?

1. Maybe you need to train him like a dog. If today worked well, tell him. Maybe praise him for his kindness (and try not to sound sarcastic). He doesn't deserve it but it doesn't sound like you 2 have a great relationship so just do whatever makes your life easier.

1. Good luck!!

Why would he be deliberately unkind to DD? Does he have PDA traits?

This is all bloody disgusting - in an entitled twat way.
He sounds alike a selfish aggressive arsehole.

I'm sorry he does this. Can you lock the bathroom door when you go in with DD - then he cannot intrude.
Also maybe brush her teeth downstairs in the kitchen. Buy a second toothbrush and toothpaste to do this so there is no faffing about.

And in the meantime stop doing things for 'D'H while he behaves like this. Forget to put his washing in when you are doing the family's, don't buy his snacks / favourite shite etc etc

"I know one autistic person therefore I know all autistic people".

Don't be stupid. Many autistic people need rigid routines including alarms. Many NT people need routines and alarms. We have alarms to get DDs out of the house on time and minimising the stressful nagging.