Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

He might have ADHD, but anyone would go ballistic with the regimented routine OP expects him to fit into. Defecate to order? Anyone watched 'The Big Bang Theory'? This must be like living with Sheldon Cooper.

Some people DO need routines like this.
Just because you don't doesn't mean it isn't helpful for others to structure their lives this way.
OP has got her autistic child to 7 managing this way so I think she knows best what works.

@Littlebitpsycho I brush as soon as I’ve got up, have a cup of tea and then brush again. I can’t have my morning tea without brushing my teeth. 🙃

It only works if people are considerate or can afford to be late. op's dh is obviously not considerate enough to make a set up like that work and dd needs to go to school on time.

Also, everyone is calling the op rigid but isn't it the husband who is rigidly insisting on using the bathroom whenever he wants to? Why can't he show more flexibility in his habits and just work around those 15min?

Did I say I know one autistic person?! No, I didn't. I was pointing out one who I am very close to.

I agree, if OP had working in a paid job for 7 years we'd assume she knew what she's doing.

All she asks is he leaves a certain 15 minute slot for autistic dd, during which time he can use the other loo and sink if he needs.

He doesn't sound like he has adhd. I have adhd, I don't manage it well, I'm always late but I put my kids needs first and when I mess up and make their or dh' life more difficult as a consequence I'm aware of it and feel guilty. Of course everyone with adhd is different but honestly nothing he does shouts adhd to me.

Op's routine is not regimented. Most people have a sort of timed routine in the morning otherwise no one would make it to school or work on time. Do other people not tell their kids something like: "it's 7.30. You need to finish your breakfast and go up to brush now or you will be late." The only difference is that op uses alarms maybe to make it easier for her dd (or for herself) to keep track of time.

If I remember right Sheldon gives Leonard a particular slot in the day to use the toilet. Op's dh can use the bathroom all day long except for 15min in a 24h day. That is very different.

The thing that's annoying me about this is that he seems to take no responsibility at all for getting your daughter ready in the morning. The absolute least he can do is to adjust his routine by a few minutes to make sure he's out of the way, so you get on with it.

If he really struggles to get up 15 minutes earlier then he shouldn't be going to bed so late 😆

Seriously though - it sounds like the familiar old story of a woman having to parent the husband as well as the kids. Do not put up with it. He's not a sullen teenager and subjecting you to that kind of behaviour at his age is unacceptable.

I agree with the previous poster who said you should make it solely his responsibility to get your DD ready in the mornings, while you focus on yourself; tell him if he does it one more time then you're going on strike for the next week. Stick to it.

Exactly. It isn't actually regimented for him at all; just for the child, who needs it to be for various reasons. He has a huge window of time and can go in when he likes, aside from one piddling 15 minute slot. And even in that slot, there is a second toilet and sink available; just not the nicer ones. He could leave his teeth things in the second toilet so if the only time he can shit and brush his teeth really is in that small window (and we all know it's not but we'll pretend for a moment) then he still can.

He's just refusing to accept that there could be any time, even just a few set minutes in the morning when someone else is in there, when he can't claim and use the nicer facility if that's his fancy. It's lazy and territorial.

@Spelunk

I have read all your updates, but not all the posts as this is now onto page 24 !

There is a lack of respect and privacy re toileting
( shitting husband ! )
someone who thinks he will use the bathroom in his house when he wants to
( selfish husband )

I can understand why no one wants to use the downstairs loo, how long would it take you to afford to make it nicer / useable ?

in the meantime, can you put a wash hand basin in one of the bedrooms ? yes I know it's pretty outdated as an idea but they can be useful, will the plumbing in the house allow for that.

how long would it take to save up for an ensuite in the bedroom ? is there space ?

I personally don't see how he enhances your life, I personally don't see how he enhances your daughter's life

why are you still with him ? what is the point ?

I don't really see him seeing her that much if you were divorced, he's not exactly dad of the year is he ! I think he may be one of those that turns up and takes her out for a couple of hours i.e. swimming then returns her to you.

I would use the ' entitled to ' website and find out exactly what you could be entitled to in the way of Universal Credit etc. and also the CMS website and see exactly what maintenance you would be entitled to.
I would be surprised if you had to work full time.

Well my husband wouldn’t want to do that if we had daughters anyway but I wasn’t really meaning that one particular incident. I was meaning more like isn’t it normal to have 2-3 people brushing their teeth all at the same time when everyone’s rushing in the morning? The fact that OP barged in and banged the cupboard into his head because he ran over his time slot is horrible and her husband did right to tell her so. In fact tbh it’s quite psychotic behaviour to be so rigid with times that she can’t even wait for her husband to finishing spitting out his toothpaste before she barges in right on time. If she can’t share a bathroom she needs to build an en suite.

I have heard this too (from a dentist) and now brush my teeth when I get up. It’s better as I don’t have to go back upstairs after breakfast! Saves a few minutes.

One has autism, the other has ADHD. Were you about to discount my comment because I can’t possibly understand the need for routine for an autistic child? 😂

isn’t it normal to have 2-3 people brushing their teeth all at the same time when everyone’s rushing in the morning?

Toothbrushing takes two minutes. Unless your family is massive, there are additional needs or something like that, it really shouldn't be hard to do it one at a time. Maybe take turns or set times? Or get up early enough that you aren't rushing to do a two-minute job?

The fact that OP barged in and banged the cupboard into his head because he ran over his time slot is horrible

He barged in! And she didn't bang the cupboard over his head! She opened the cupboard to use it, he straightened up and banged it himself! It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if he had just waited for the bathroom to be free, got up a few minutes earlier to use it, or gone to the second sink!

That's one reason why it's a good idea to take turns in the bathroom. The more people and things going on, the more likely it is for accidents like that to happen!

All she asks is he leaves a certain 15 minute slot for autistic dd, during which time he can use the other loo and sink if he needs.
Thats true, but actually it’s sounding like she’s angrily telling him he’s lazy and should have gotten out of bed early so her decided routine can be followed. You all need a sit down op, your house sounds too angry and bitter. Mornings are hard enough!!!

There's no fucking way that I'd have let my dad into the bathroom with me once I reached puberty.

You literally said

"Yes I understand autism. I have a severely autistic close relative. However, absolutely nobody needs a routine that strict that you're setting alarms for 15 minute intervals and nothing can be done outside of these times. That is insane and just creating even more problems."

You said you understood autism because you have a severely autistic close relative. You understand that autistic person but it's simply not true to say 'I understand autism' when you then go on to say 'absolutely nobody needs a routine that strict'. Because the OPs autistic DD does need a routine that strict. I know many autistic people, some who have stricter routines than others. I would never presume to tell them or their parent what they do or don't need based on experience I had with people who are not them.

I was meaning more like isn’t it normal to have 2-3 people brushing their teeth all at the same time when everyone’s rushing in the morning?

No, it's not, because they can't all use the sink at once.

He'll take a dump in front of her? That is rank.

What does he do for a job?! He sounds very basic.

No, I really wanted to know if your comment was based on experience of managing an autistic child. So many of the comments on here are from people who don't have any experience.
There are a number of autistic children and adults in my family and I am aware that they are all very different and what works for one will not work for another. One thing I never do is argue with their parent/partner about what works for that particular individual.
I am also very aware that small inconsiderate actions from other people can make life very difficult, so the best thing is to try not to disrupt what works unless it is completely unavoidable.
IMO this man is deliberately undermining what has been proven to work for both mum and daughter.
I don't understand why you find it so amusing that you have to add a laughing emoji.
The OP isn't finding it at all funny.

Most Dad's wouldn't want to. I was talking about nipping in when bathroom is free. The op"s child is 7 and needs help in the mornings so I can't see the point of your post.

No-one needs such a strict regime.

I sometimes require such a strict regime, with alarms to stop me from going off-task.

I was diagnosed autistic a couple of years back.

Just read all mum's posts.

This marriage is not going to last.

Definitely suspect mum is on the autistic spectrum. Or small entitled tantrum-throwing brat spectrum.

Completely inflexible. Everyone and everything must be carried out to her exact timetable. She needs alarms and timings for everything, which obviously(!) means everyone else must follow her exact time-table.

She's clearly decided husband is a "selfish man" and WRONG.

The fact the routine could be changed (NOT EVER, I'M RIGHT)
The fact there's a second toilet (NOT EVER IT'S FREEZING COLD, NOT DECORATED AND THERE MIGHT BE A SPIDER)
The face she suspects her daughter is autisitic (NO I WILL NOT TAKE ADVICE EVEN FROM PARENTS WITH TWO AUTISTIC CHILDREN AND ONLY ONE FAMILY BATH AND TOILET)

I'M RIGHT. ONLY I AM RIGHT. I WANT MY OWN WAY ALWAYS. IT'S SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. I'M ANGRY I'M NOT GETTING MY OWN WAY. MY HUSBAND IS A SELFISH GIT.

Personally I'd help crowd fund for their divorce. Mum sounds like an inflexible nightmare to have to live with.

The lengths people are going to blame the woman here is astounding.

Plus the rampant ableism.

Someone "nipping in when the bathroom's free" because I was a minute late for the start of my slot and then doing their entire routine meant that my entire slot got pushed back 15 minutes. Then someone else repeats the "nipping in" because my back was turned and now my slot is pushed back by half an hour.

Not having slots means standing in a queue, which is not efficient use of precious morning time.

You have your slot. You do not use the bathroom during someone else's slot, even if they are late for their slot. You don't know why they are late. During most of the day, it's first-come-first-served, but in the morning when people have to be out by fixed times, you have slots.