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Original poster

Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

756 replies

Spelunk · 14/05/2024 08:28

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

OP posts:
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6
ichundich · 15/05/2024 23:19

.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/05/2024 23:48

CauliflowerBalti · 15/05/2024 18:03

OP, just to say I hear you. It isn’t about teeth. It wouldn’t matter at what point your daughter wished to be in the bathroom. He’d still assume the world revolves around him.

My h used to be like this. The situation is reversed here. He is the autistic one with his set time in the bathroom that we all know to avoid. He gets up at the same time every day. All good. But on rare days when he didn’t - that he got up earlier or later - he would be angry if someone else was in the bathroom, like he had a divine right for his needs to trump everyone else’s.

He responded well to feedback on it though. I’d just move your husband’s toothbrush to a permanent place in the little cloakroom.

He responded well to feedback on it though.

This is generally how autistic people acting in good faith differ from utter dicks.

T1Dmama · 15/05/2024 23:54

Pop hee toothbrush and toothpaste in the kitchen. Use that sink…
I always clean my teeth in the kitchen as find storing toothbrushes in the same room as I poo in gross…
my DD cleans her teeth in the shower at night, and a quick clean in the kitchen am.
Or maybe kick DH’s toothbrush and toothpaste into the kitchen if you don’t like that idea

Interested in this thread?

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VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/05/2024 23:57

T1Dmama · 15/05/2024 23:54

Pop hee toothbrush and toothpaste in the kitchen. Use that sink…
I always clean my teeth in the kitchen as find storing toothbrushes in the same room as I poo in gross…
my DD cleans her teeth in the shower at night, and a quick clean in the kitchen am.
Or maybe kick DH’s toothbrush and toothpaste into the kitchen if you don’t like that idea

storing toothbrushes in the same room as I poo in gross

Close the loo lid before flushing, no poo germ aerosol. This of course assumes that everyone else in the house also closes the lid.

Or get an ex-council house with the loo in its own little room.

T1Dmama · 16/05/2024 00:09

Spelunk · 14/05/2024 09:51

Work out when he might head to the bathroom (so does he put his coffee cup down, fart, then go to the bathroom etc) and speed DD up to get in there first.
He’ll still come in even if she’s already in there. She’s brushing her teeth and he’ll sit down to take a dump. Or she’s standing on a stool in front of the sink so she can see in the mirror and I’m trying to brush her hair, and he pushes in at the side of the sink and starts brushing his teeth.

WTAF?! He comes in and takes a shit when his daughter is cleaning her teeth?? Or actually while she’s in the bathroom at all!!
THAT is what would bother me! How disgusting!!
Lock the FKN door!! Does he also walk in and use it while she’s showering?? Sorry @Spelunk but I find this disturbing, pay someone to come out and put a lock on the door! One with a key, not one that can be undone with a 2p!!
I was going to suggest putting his toothbrush in the kitchen and telling him to do it in that sink, but if he also takes a dump I think it’s better you move teeth cleaning and hair brushing to the kitchen.. after a quick wee!

Routine is crucial for an autistic child and he’ll struggle when she hits puberty and starts ripping his head off when he disrupts her routine!..

SERIOUSLY though…. I don’t think you’re horrible… but shorting while your 7 year old his cleaning her teeth is just vile and I’d tell him so!!

T1Dmama · 16/05/2024 00:12

Shitting not shorting … and is not his

Hagpie · 16/05/2024 01:38

OP you seem like such a sweet and attentive mummy. The hippo thing really made me smile, gosh.

I'm sorry about DH he’s obviously being a twat.

lemming40 · 16/05/2024 06:02

MrsJackThornton · 15/05/2024 22:28

Right. So why is that excessively angry?

Show quote history

There are many ways she can resolve this. It just seems by the tone of the post that she is way over the top.

Frangipanyoul8r · 16/05/2024 06:38

This is about respect, it’s not about routines and teeth brushing. It’s about you asking your DH a simple easy to follow request and him repeatedly ignoring it. It doesn’t matter if we think it’s reasonable, it matters to you.

The timed routine would drive me mad but if my DH requested it to make him and our DD happy then I’d definitely listen and abide by it. Your DH knows how you like to do things, he’s disrespecting your wishes. I’d tell him unless he starts listening and respecting you, you’ll consider divorce.

HulaChick · 16/05/2024 06:38

Can't you all just use the bathroom at the same time? (unless someone's having a crap ofcourse).

Willmafrockfit · 16/05/2024 06:49

how would anyone cope with more than 1 child
i had 3 all needing the bathroom, although DH had left for work already
have you a downstairs sink?
speak to him,
or rejig her time to earlier

Graspingnettles · 16/05/2024 06:56

Not to totally derail the thread but in response to the aghast replies to the first reply, actually you should brush before breakfast. If you can't you should wait at least 30 mins after eating, especially if you've had something acidic such as orange juice.

https://www.sloandental.co.uk/brush-before-after-breakfast/

https://www.marshfieldpediatricdentistry.com/post/should-i-brush-my-teeth-before-or-after-i-eat-breakfast

https://www.buttercup7daydental.co.uk/brush-teeth-before-or-after-breakfast/

I also don't understand why your daughters routine can't shift a bit. I wonder if there's more to this - it sounds annoying you're up earlier getting things sorted while he lies in bed, and it's become about the bathroom when really it's about him pulling his weight in the morning?

Should I brush my teeth before or after breakfast | Sloan Dental

After our popular Facebook poll, we realised here at Sloan Dental that most of you are doing it wrong!!! Brushing should always be done BEFORE breakfast.

https://www.sloandental.co.uk/brush-before-after-breakfast

OutlawZeroHours · 16/05/2024 06:59

Well, this is clearly annoying and selfish of him - although if he needs a shit, he needs a shit. That shit can't always wait! As a sidenote, well done on getting autistic daughter to brush her teeth at all. I never managed that.

Rollinroller · 16/05/2024 07:00

It would make no difference if OPs DD switched her slots around because the DH doesn’t respect any of it.

Eskimalita · 16/05/2024 07:19

Your daughter is autistic. It’s hereditary. Have you considered if your husband might be autistic?
many autistic women marry men with ADHD. Have you considered that he has ADHD?

Devon23 · 16/05/2024 07:20

What is his actual verbal response? My dad used to do this as soon as he heard me.moving in the bedroom he'd run to the bathroom and stay there until I left even when I started work was def a power thing.

willWillSmithsmith · 16/05/2024 07:51

Yes your dh is being thoughtless but I don’t understand your timeline. Unless I’ve read it wrong your dd gets dressed first, eats breakfast, then gets washed? Surely she should get washed first (7.15)? A quick brush of the teeth after breakfast (as it’s not practical to wait half an hour), then get dressed (in her bedroom) in the time slot allocated for a wash (7.45?)

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/05/2024 07:58

OutlawZeroHours · 16/05/2024 06:59

Well, this is clearly annoying and selfish of him - although if he needs a shit, he needs a shit. That shit can't always wait! As a sidenote, well done on getting autistic daughter to brush her teeth at all. I never managed that.

They have a second toilet. It's not as nice but it's available.

User79853257976 · 16/05/2024 08:03

Spelunk · 14/05/2024 08:38

She cleans her teeth after eating so they’re clean for school. Why should she have to change her routine for a grown adult?

If he said he needed the 7.45-8.00 bathroom slot every day then maybe I could plan a different routine for DD. But some days he’s up at 7 and gone to work early for a meeting. Sometimes he’s wfh so he lies in bed later and uses the bathroom after DD has gone. DD isn’t just going to fit around his whims!

DD needs a reliable routine to get ready for school, and so do I. I use alarms every 15 minutes for her activities to keep her on track because she’s autistic. Get up, go downstairs for breakfast, go to the bathroom, go out of the door. It’s not helpful when she goes to the bathroom for her 15 minute time slot and DH is having a shit or brushing his teeth.

How does she wash with her uniform on? Have a look online about the teeth brushing. You are supposed to brush before eating, maybe then the routine could be flipped.

Awarenessisthekey1 · 16/05/2024 08:06

Spelunk · 15/05/2024 11:19

It’s not even shitting that’s the issue. I’d be more understanding if it was an urgent bodily function.

He’s pushing in front of her to brush his teeth, because he can’t wait till she’s finished otherwise he’ll be late for work. He should have got up earlier and brushed his teeth before DD needs to use the bathroom, but he won’t because he’s too fucking lazy. Or he could take his toothbrush into the spare toilet where there’s a tiny sink, but he won’t because he’s too fucking selfish, he’d rather inconvenience his autistic DD than inconvenience himself.

We can’t make an alternative plan because we never know what time the selfish bastard will decide to roll out of bed. He thinks he should be able to use the bathroom at any time he wants, even if someone else is already using it.

Yesterday he pushed in front of DD to brush his teeth and bent over the sink to spit, just as I was getting DD’s stuff out of the cabinet (because she has to leave by a certain time so isn’t able to wait for him to get out of the way, and why should she). Then he lifted his head and bonked it on the open door, and he went apeshit because I’d opened the door over his head. YOU SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE HERE IT’S NOT YOUR TURN TO USE THE BATHROOM! - I snarled.

Anyway last night we had a huge argument about the selfishness of getting up whenever he feels like it and expecting to use the bathroom even if someone else is already using it. I pointed out that he’s disrespecting DD by pushing in and not giving her space and privacy. I suggested he could either get up earlier or he could put his shoes on and use the toilet in the garage.

It must have had some impact because today he was out of the bathroom before DD needed it and he even put her shoes and coat on while I was making her packed lunch. I don’t expect it to last but maybe it’s switched on some common sense in his tiny brain.

Show quote history

Well done 👏 hopefully he will reflect and see he's being a completely out of order.

I think you mentioned you can't leave previously because you'd then need to work full time.

If this is your only reason to stay. Please go to c.a.b and see how much uc would top up your present wages part time.
Make enquiries because staying may damage you further IF that's your only reason.

Hard for us to know but I am divorced and everyone said I was mad, as he was wealthy but I managed and happier.

There's so many options. Is there a spare room you can rent out for the extra income if you don't want uc. Your husband has to pay some bills and maintence, even if he is not there .

Can you run anything from home with your daughter on weekends like craft classes or hire a cheap room.

I'd start a little book. A YOU book. You write your small goals, where you see yourself in 2 years. Your dream job. And start being happy believing in them in yourself.

A leap of faith works 💪.

Cab are usually very good. Book an apt . It can be face to face or telephone. They may surprise you.

At the very least get the facts, about help out there.

It's not nice to stay in a toxic marriage if that's what it is because of finances and low self esteem.

Good luck

Kateeeeuyyy · 16/05/2024 08:17

UnderGreenGrass · 14/05/2024 09:16

Anyone else find this thread odd?
We are a large family with limited bathroom space. We pile in when we can - often with arguments! You snooze you loose attitude but that's just family life right before 8.30 right?
My life is too complicated enough before I start not only setting out timed slots for my children to use the bathroom but then also enforcing it.
How strange.
PS - your DH should have equal responsibility getting her dressed.

This is how you do it. I also come from a large family and we had specific slots. It created harmony in the family and the mornings were so much nicer.

im not judging you for doing it differently, you shouldn’t be judging OP for her having a routine either .

overthinkersanonnymus · 16/05/2024 08:20

My dad used to do stuff like this. He was a controlling abusive arsehole and this was him showing he was bigger and more important than anyone else in the house.

saveforthat · 16/05/2024 08:20

I find thid thread incredible. I cannot imagine having slots and alarms for bathroom time. As someone said upthread you just nip in when it's free. Your DH does sound selfish but if I had to put up with thst nonsense I might rebel a bit as well. It's much too inflexible.

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/05/2024 08:24

you just nip in when it's free

He doesn't nip in when it's free, though. He gets up whenever he likes and barges in when someone else is in there, even if that means taking a shit in front of them or taking up space at the sink while they're there.

When people refuse to nip in when it's free and just barge in whenever they like, even when it's in use, slots make a great deal of sense. He has an extremely long and flexible window; OP is simply setting aside 15 minutes of that for the child who hasn't got that flexibility. Why would anyone object to that?

foghead · 16/05/2024 08:29

We have time slots too. It works much better and saves dc from being late to school or adults, late to work.

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