Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

I don't get the get dressed,have breakfast and have a wash order either.

He's horrid.

Lazy. Selfish. Manipulative.

Shouty at his autistic child.

Literally shitting on her morning routine.

Gaslighting you.

Awful.

I hadn't realised you had two bathrooms, that would make it easier to fit round your schedule, though to be honest it would still do my head in.

In our house the bathroom is only used for things that need to be done there (shower/ toilet use), teeth & wash can be done in the kitchen if the bathroom is in use or needed & hair brushing and sun cream can happen anywhere. That mean the bathroom is usually only occupied for 5 minutes per person during morning rush, so it's easier to wait do a different task until it's free.

Not saying one way is better then the other, just that there's more then one way of doing things. It's possible that his norm/preference is more like how we do it, and he's not intentionally trying to mess up your schedule, he just isn't use to or doesn't want a rigid schedule imposed on his bowel movements.

I don't get the get dressed, have breakfast and have a wash order either.

My guess would be a quick hands/face wash.

Mine always breakfasted in pjs when young in case of spillages on school clothes.

Does it matter what the order is ?

It's really irrelevant the order other posters may choose to do it in their house and OP has already said she doesn't want this to be a protracted discussion about when teeth should be brushed. In any case I bet if she changed the order he would still want to access the bathroom at the time DD was using it.

The fact is she feels that DD needs a 15 minute time slot in the bathroom to get ready, and the DH has decided in some Pavlovian response type of way that this is the exact time he needs to brush his teeth/take a dump/use the bathroom.

Locking the door when DD is in would seem to solve two problems. First focus her on why she is there and secondly keep out the shit stirrer.

A 'bit of a twat'?

He is shitting in front of his child ffs.

I don't know why you are stubbornly refusing to move things which don't need to be in the bathroom out of there. Why put things in the one room there's pressure on, whatever the reason, when there's no need?

Because ND people spend enough time accommodating our lives to the whims of NTs, making our experience so much more unpleasant?

Do you have some kind of magical device where you can tell the ND/NT status of posters?

Could you flog it to the NHS please to cut waiting lists?

If you had read the thread you would notice the ND people saying that overally rigid routines are necessary helpful nor healthy for autistic kids to rely on.

Can she have a wash and teeth clean in the kitchen ?

Start calling him out on nasty things he does over messages and emails.
Let him say how this is nothing etc.
Repeat how child with neds needs schedule and he is intentionally fucking it up.
Keep screenshots and email coppies saved to drive he cannot access.
Keep calm.
Never tell him you will divorce him.
Never tell him you will use his (literal) shit to fuck him over in court.
Then do exactly that.
You will have pleanty of evidence he is abusing your DD. It will be really hard to get shared custody with that.
Your DD will get older and could cope maybe more with you at work.
But make exit strategy for both of you.

It would make no difference. If she used the kitchen instead he would suddenly need to be in there and use the sink to get a drink.

To avoid conflict I'd tell her to use the kitchen sink to brush her teeth if you don't have a downstairs cloakroom. Your DH sounds stupid.

Well it is relevant though in the whole context of the issue. The issue is that the DD seems to need to use the bathroom on multiple occasions which if that could be reduced or ordered to before when the DH seems to use it the whole thing becomes a whole non-issue.

I live in a house with more toilets than people.

Our 13 year old was diagnosed with ADHD last year and at times he manages her completely inappropriately. Eg shouting at her for being in the shower too long when he hasn’t reminded her to use her timers. Or expecting her to be able to declutter her room on her own. I have ADHD as well so understand how her brain works. It’s like he can’t always remember that we’re meant to be helping her to function with strategies to do things that her brain can’t figure out without help.

Does my head in. We speak Welsh, he doesnt. Every now and again I’ll ask him to do something in Welsh and get ratty when he doesn’t do it. When he complains that he doesn’t understand the request I remind him that DD doesn’t understand NT requests either. It sorts things out for a few weeks until he forgets again.

if he was doing the things your DH is doing I’d be going absolutely mental.

Its not a myth or Tik Tok science - what ever that is ? Its what Dentists say. If you need to rinse use a swig of water - wait at least an hour after eating before brush teeth
If teeth are healthy and you dont have bad breath -brushing in morning when wake up and before go bed is sufficient

The obvious solution is LTB as he's too selfish to get up 15 minutes earlier to accommodate the needs of a 7 year old child - even though it's his own daughter - and help out his wife who is doing the entire morning routine.

You've said this is impractical or infeasible so the other solutions are

1. Get a bolt for the inside of the bathroom door. Use it.
2. Improve the quality of the outside toilet.

• Clean it out properly to reduce the risk of spiders.
• Get some paint and make sure the floors and walls are at least painted and not just bare concrete (unless it's already tiled or has higher quality finishing)
• Get some mats or carpet offcuts to make the floor warmer when it needs to be used for emergencies. Mats are better as they can be put in the wash. But you can probably get some very comfy deep pile but cheap carpet offcuts that will make it more cosy.
• Put up a shelf if possible or if there is space (I appreciate there might not be) so you can put any sprays, spare loo rolls etc on there.
• If there are any leaking taps or plumbing issues and you can afford it, get them seen to so the toilet is more usable.

You aren't going to change him and sounds like leaving him is out of the question, so beyond just having loud arguments with him I'm not sure what else you can do.

Your husband is selfish but this is also true. Brush teeth as soon as you get up.

The neurotypicals are neurotypicalling?

Don't be such a derogatory bigot.

Your identity is not a weapon to use against other people who you think don't fall into the same category as you.

https://www.colgate.com/en-gb/oral-health/brushing-and-flossing/is-brushing-teeth-after-eating-good-for-you-0313

I think everyone agrees he is being a selfish idiot but the question is what to do now? I think at a very minimum he needs to do some sort of training in how autism works and how to parent a child like your DD. I'm guessing he doesn't spend his free time poring internet sites for information to support her already! You'll have to make some very serious threats to do this, maybe marriage counselling and bring it up in front of a professional and say its a deal breaker?

For the practical thing, I would remove all locks from the bathroom and allow whoever wants just walk in on top of him regardless of what he is doing, and it might stop him. At the same time sort out the other bathroom with a nice lock and some sort of heater, a wall mounted fan heater maybe and have nice towels and things there.

The constant derailing on this thread isn't helping you either OP!

I think everyone agrees he is being a selfish idiot but the question is what to do now?
Honestly I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable because he’s gaslighting me, saying I’m being horrible by asking him to stay out of the bathroom for 15 minutes so DD can get ready for school.

Of course that's not unreasonable OP. He's got the rest of the 23 and 3/4 hours of every day to poo in that loo, and 24 hrs a day to poo in the other loo.

When he told you you were being horrible asking him, that's classic "reverse victim and offender", he was being horrible and he knew it.

Don't doubt your own judgement.