Selfish DH preventing DD getting ready for school

[Spelunk]

I get up at 6.30am and get ready, then wake DD at 7.15am. She has 15 mins to get up and dressed, 15 mins to eat breakfast, and 15 mins to have a quick wash and brush teeth. So DD bathroom time is 7.45am-8.00am, then we put shoes on and walk out the door at 8.10am.

DH is repeatedly using the bathroom during that time and making it difficult for DD to get ready for school. I’ve told him repeatedly that he can use the bathroom any other time but not during that 15 minute slot.

Today he was bending over brushing his teeth in the sink while I was trying to get DD toothbrush out of the cupboard above the sink, and bonked him on the back of the head with the corner of the door. DH was furious, and I was equally furious because he shouldn’t be fucking getting in the way during those 15 minutes.

He’s a grown adult, he’s capable of getting up 15 minutes earlier to use the bathroom. He’s just fucking lazy and lying in bed as late as possible. Then he ends up needing the bathroom right before he leaves for work at 8am. It’s selfish and I’m absolutely sick of it.

He might. He doesn't sounds like he'd be particularly motivated to do much beyond a Saturday afternoon Disney Dad. Occasionally.

But the alarms and rhe timeslots and the rigidity was in place before the daughter was even born.

This is about the OP, not the needs of her autistic daughter.

The OP has said she runs her life via alarms herself, and her husband queries why she cant start a task when there is 3 minutes until the next alarm goes off...

My DGS (who as far as I know is NT) won't have anyone in the bathroom if he is on the toilet. He says loudly 'go away' and then when you go outside 'shut the door'! and he is not yet 4. I made the mistake of staying to 'help' when he was at my house and was very firmly made aware my presence was not necessary! I wonder if as the DD gets older she will start to be more demanding about her own need for privacy (although I understand she is autistic) and his DD telling him off may have more impact than the OP.

Because she has autistic traits herself and she knows from experience what works for people like herself and her daughter?

I'm not going to respond to the weird assumptions you keep making, but there's no such thing as "mildly autistic". Adhering to a routine with this level of strictness (she's SETTING ALARMS to alert the family when it's time to move onto the next task) isn't healthy or normal and is only going to increase the level of anxiety in an autistic child. All children, regardless of ND, need to adapt to living in a family home, and sometimes that means waiting a short time to use the bathroom or brushing your hair in a different room to the usual one. You help the child learn strategies for coping with that, otherwise they are going to get to the bus stop, find that their bus is scheduled 3 minutes later than usual, and have a meltdown, or go to the toilet at school at their set time only to find that their usual cubicle is occupied and be unable to function.

Then the problem isn't just your DH. Its training your daughter to just get on with it and you also being so rigid about NEEDING 15 mins.

You don't need 15 mins. You are saying she needs 15 mins and this makes it 15 mins.

Yes to morning routine. No to this level of fuss and overly complicating it. Its in - out - done.

You are part of the problem here and in fairness to your DH, its not just about him being lazy.

Stop making this into a bigger drama than it is. It will only make the problem worse.

You can mitigate some of this by having a mirror in another room which will save your sanity when your daughter is a teen and does actively hog the bathroom.

Manage the situation now rather than let it spiral in a few years time.

@slore I am going to politely but massively disagree with you and ask you to remember that it's a spectrum.

You've made assumptions about the father and his role in this which are largely quite ableist too - maybe he is PDA, maybe he has issues with continence, maybe he struggles with executive function and / or time blindness. No one should be left out of being able to use their own bathroom.

I am audhd and all of my family is or asd. I work as a 121 with 2 autistic kids - stop thinking of us as all the same. Some routine is very helpful but tbh depending on your diagnosis sometimes learning gently that the world is going to be curated for your comfort for the rest of your life can be a kindness. My later diagnosis was emotional and it was good to see so much fall into place but honestly I'd rather have had the ropier elements of my upbringing than being shielded from struggle and discomfort.

This.

OP is clearly autistic herself if she's living life like this. And its not healthy and shouldn't be encouraged because it creates problems in it own right later down the line.

Thats why I don't think its a DH issue alone.

OP I’m genuinely shocked reading some of these responses
why can’t DD use the other bathroom
why does she need a schedule
who needs 15 mins to do x y and z

I’m sorry that I can’t offer any suggestions but your husband sounds VVU and practically useless

Just get her ready and clean teeth as soon as she's up. Easy. Problem solved.

Six of us sharing one bathroom daily. I am up first 6am every day. You just get on with it🤷‍♀️

So it's alright for you to make assumptions, speculating that the husband has diagnosis of pathological demand avoidance or incontinence?

The OP has outright told us that she functions on routine. Where is your consideration for her needs? She has also outright told us she is doing this for her daughter, who is autistic. Don't you think the mum knows her daughters level of needs best?

I'm sick of late diagnosed mildly affected people preaching from their ivory towers and denying the needs of people with more impacting forms of autism.

Take his toothbrush and hide it away somewhere.

is your H even your DD's dad? He does absolutely nothing to care for her or help her? shame on him.

Advice, go full time, get yourself a better income and get rid of this guy. Life would be easier if all he contributed was child maintenance.

i would not have anyone coming in taking a dump when I am in the bathroom, that is beyond gross

Exactly , he will make all the noises, but you will get an afternoon every other weekend if that.

He's not doing ANY of the work now, you think that will change?
Plus, by the time a divorce goes through, she will be old enough to vote with her feet.

Step up love, you can do this. it will be a new routine for DD, but i bet you anything you like she will positively thrive when it's just you and her.

My DS blossomed in days after his crappy dad left.

YANBU
Me and DD manage to use the bathroom at certain times so that we both get out on time.

Sorry but no, it would never even occur to me. Do other people shit on a schedule? I always just go when the need arises. I certainly wouldn't sit needing a piss for 15 minutes because it was some else's time slot, if the bathroom was empty and they were off finding a doll or playing unicorns.

Without knowing much background I couldn’t cope with being that regimented into exact time slots for everything. I’d be waking your DD up a bit earlier to allow for a bit more flexibility and real life to happen but that’s just me.

We have one bathroom with the only toilet and 4 people (2 adults, 2 kids). There will be at least 3 showers every morning of adults and older kid and possibly a quick bath of younger kid. We have a second set of toothbrushes and toothpaste in a plastic jug in the kitchen.

Your daughter could use the loo when she wakes but brush her teeth and wash her face in the kitchen after breakfast.

It’s a struggle for me to get DD ready. She wanders off and I have to fetch her back to the bathroom (sometimes I have to drag her back). I wouldn’t appreciate it if DH nipped in before I managed to fetch her back and prevented me finishing getting her ready. It’s hard enough without him being in the way. There’s another toilet he can use if he can’t wait, it’s just not very nice.

Can you not update the other toilet so that everyone likes to use it. It seems a shame to have something sitting there doing nothing when there is a need

I don't think he does it on purpose, or because he is passive-aggressive, or even because he is selfish.
I think he was brought up in a house where everyone shared the bathroom as and when with no schedule and he doesn't understand why you are so annoyed by it.
I think teaching dc some flexibility while reminding dh to try not be in the toilet for half an hour at busy morning time should bring back some balance.

As I said in a previous post, my adult child has ASD. I've tried very hard to get him to be more flexible. I'm sure if I hadn't he would still be insisting that we had to have rigorous schedules, but as I pointed out, perhaps clumsily, the rest of the world doesn't work like that. The vast majority of people live their lives in a far more flexible way. In addition circumstances often mean that rigorous schedules have to be set aside. I honestly think it increases anxiety on a long term basis if parents don't try to promote some flexibility. I realize other people will disagree, but trying to maintain that timetable caused issues for other members of the family too.

You shouldn't brush your teeth so soon after eating. you should wait about an hour before brushing teeth it protects the enamel

With regards to Op yes husband selfish out - would actually ignore him , keep toothbrush by kitchen sink in future. Once he realizes his selfish actions not impacting you

No offence, but why are you still married to this selfish asshat?

Basically, you want to leave your husband but you can't/won't and so everything he does is hateful and obnoxious. I don't doubt he is being a bit of a twat over the bathroom and could compromise to allow DD her 15 min timeslot, especially given she has autism. Sounds like he isn't happy either and you're both taking it out on each other.