How did this happen?

[Gripnot]

And does it matter?

Mixed friendship group, includes couples and singles and a man whose wife doesn't like to join us. All very relaxed and comfortable, my safe people. If I'm honest the first time in my life I've had a "tribe" where I felt I could completely relax and be myself.

Over the last 6 months or so, I find myself more and more with the single but married man. We're friends but nothing more, never message outside the group, never meet up without the group, never chat about anything emotional. We have similar work and education backgrounds and mostly talk about that.

However, recently, at the end of a tipsy evening we end up arm in arm or hand in hand. Still nothing remotely emotional, intimate or sexual going on, but it feels normal and comfortable. None of the group has ever remarked on it, including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

I'm not always completely sure who instigates it because it's so comfortable, but it was definitely him this weekend.

So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic".

stop right now, move away from in in the group, talk to others, if he asks, then say you are not comfortable with the arminarm stuff, and prefer to remain a bit distant now

You are on a slippery slope here.
Instead of thinking about what your other friends in the group think about it try thinking what his wife would be feeling if she saw you arm in arm or hand in hand.

Yes, I agree about the slippery slope and I have resolved to walk with one of the single women in future, but there really is nothing.

There's no spark, no frission, no sexualised banter, no looks or glances, no emotional connection. It's beyond me how it happened or what "it" is.

Would he be holding your hand or linking arms with you if his wife were there? Are you likely to end up holding hands with the single woman you’ve resolved to walk with? If you were married and happened to drive past your husband walking along, hand in hand with another woman, would you assume that it’s perfectly innocent and feel quite happy with it?

If not, then you have your answer. It’s inappropriate. You’re playing with fire. And if this is your ‘tribe’, you’ve got a lot to lose.

There's no spark, no frission, no sexualised banter, no looks or glances, no emotional connection for you. I might link arms with friends when walking and talking together, but hold hands? No. Stop it.

You say there's nothing sexual going on but you can't be sure that there isn't from his end. Regardless, it's inappropriate and you know it otherwise you wouldn't be asking here. Show some respect for his wife's feelings and back off.

He has feelings for you. You're drifting into an inappropriate situation here.

I find myself more and more with the single but *married man
*
there's no such thing. He's married it's irrelevant if his wife comes or not.

You say it's not sexual or emotional and perhaps it isn't on your side (although I'm not sure I believe it - I don't think you're lying to us, I suspect you might be to yourself) but it may well be on his side. Step away now, this will only end in tears.

You are moving into dangerous territory.
He's not being fair on you and certainly not his wife.
I wonder he has form for this?

It's wonderful when you find your tribe and make connections but be careful. Do you really think it will stop at hand holding?

How would you feel OP if you had a husband who went out with a group of friends that you didn't attend usually and he was arms in arms with a woman?

I was best friends with a guy, we had so much in common, we clicked, we bounced off each other and I loved being around him. I had no romantic feelings whatsoever and had NO idea he felt this way. He didn’t at first but then they developed and I wasn’t interested in him like that.

Luckily, he was single and then I developed feelings and we’re now married 12 years later with a 7 year old.

If you’re not interested then walk away because it sounds like he is. And if you are interested, also walk away!

You are risking losing your lovely new “tribe”. One way or another this situation will blow up in your face. Don’t risk losing all your lovely new friends for such a nothing reason. Take action and stop holding hands and arm in arm now, for your own sake and his.

This is massively inappropriate OP, and I think you know it. Keep reminding yourself how his wife would feel and put in some clear boundaries. Chatting is fine, hand holding really is not..

Nothing wrong with having male friends that are married, holding hands is a big no no (but that’s just me). If my husband was holding hands with another woman I would be totally pi-ssed of. Holding hands is too personal and intimate.

Oh come on 🙄. How naive are you?

It is a very slippery slope, plus feelings can be obscured and for me personally, I wouldn't like to out myself in the position where something could happen.

All it could take is a lapse of judgement or a misunderstanding.

It is also the sort of event that could have a knock on effect in the wider friendship group. Best avoided IMO.

Single but married?? Sorry can’t get passed your wording there!! He is not single! Leave someone else’s husband alone

Precisely, I think 95% of us would flip if we saw our fellas holding another woman's hand. Especially if we felt it was done all the time we weren't around.

Would you hold hands with a female friend?

There’s no such thing as “ single but married”! How many other friends do you end up holding hands with at the end of a night out?

Nope. If I drove by my husband holding hands with another woman I would be in jail and she would have a bumful of mudguards

Unless hes gay its a big no no!

I read that has OP was explaining it was the man who's wife doesn't go out - rather than her saying he's a single married man.

What sort of married man, who everyone knows is married, goes out with a group of friends and then, in plain sight of everyone, chooses to hold the hand of one of the single women there?

Is he
a) a player?
b) staking his claim on OP and marking his territory?
c) a creepy uncle type?
d) an unfaithful man who has honed in on a single woman in the group and is following the compass in his pants?
e) helping an infirm lady across the road?

Only one of those options is acceptable.

OP - if you were his wife and knew he was going out holding other women's hands, how would you feel?