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Original poster

How did this happen?

144 replies

Gripnot · 07/05/2024 09:54

And does it matter?

Mixed friendship group, includes couples and singles and a man whose wife doesn't like to join us. All very relaxed and comfortable, my safe people. If I'm honest the first time in my life I've had a "tribe" where I felt I could completely relax and be myself.

Over the last 6 months or so, I find myself more and more with the single but married man. We're friends but nothing more, never message outside the group, never meet up without the group, never chat about anything emotional. We have similar work and education backgrounds and mostly talk about that.

However, recently, at the end of a tipsy evening we end up arm in arm or hand in hand. Still nothing remotely emotional, intimate or sexual going on, but it feels normal and comfortable. None of the group has ever remarked on it, including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

I'm not always completely sure who instigates it because it's so comfortable, but it was definitely him this weekend.

So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic".

OP posts:
ChickyBricky · 09/05/2024 17:44

Gripnot · 07/05/2024 10:18

Yes, I agree about the slippery slope and I have resolved to walk with one of the single women in future, but there really is nothing.

There's no spark, no frission, no sexualised banter, no looks or glances, no emotional connection. It's beyond me how it happened or what "it" is.

There's no spark, no frission, no sexualised banter, no looks or glances, no emotional connection
...for YOU, there's not! 😁

Years ago, I had a really weird experience where a friend of my husband's took me aside one evening to declare how obvious it was that we should run off together. Apparently he had "noticed" all kinds of encouragement from me over the course of a couple of years! I was enormously flattered, but had no idea what he was on about!

The thing is, think about it, do you ever hold hands with anyone? I wouldn't do it with my husband, or closest friend. It's an oddly intimate and pointless thing to do. I can only think it's a subtle test of boundaries... harmless, yes, but...

Unless you're all on MDMA, in which case fine and perfectly understandable! 😜

ChaoticCrumble · 09/05/2024 18:21

I don’t hold hands with my friends… ever. I had one who loved linking arms but I wouldn’t do that with a married man. It’s definitely something and it’s creepy if he’s married…

FrogTheWarrior · 09/05/2024 18:42

It may be unintentional but I think you’re leading him on. It’s probably too late to save your place in the “tribe” but you’ve got to stop now to have a chance.

wordler · 09/05/2024 19:04

Linking arms with very close old friend can be okay especially if you are known as the touchy feely huggy type and you do it with EVERYONE

Linking arms only with one particular person is odd and would indicate a special closeness which is not always appropriate with a married person especially if their spouse isn’t there.

Holding hands while you walk is for young children and romantic partners.

It’s absolutely sending a message to him and to others in the group.

If you continue to engage in a romantic gesture with someone else’s husband, you cannot naively protest ‘how did this happen’ when either his wife confronts you or he makes a pass.

EclairsAndDoughnuts · 09/05/2024 19:44

I think linking arms is a bit different to holding hands.

I link arms with my women friends but I don't hold hands with them.

Why don't you try holding hands with one of the single women in the group? How do you think you would feel about that? How do you you think she would feel about that?

Holding hands is not something we normally do with women friends. If that's the same for you, then you need to be honest as to why you do it with a married man.

As for others not having passed any remarks on it,,,I think you're kidding yourself if people haven't at least clicked it even if they've said nothing yet,

If you don't want trouble, time to stop.

FiatEarth · 09/05/2024 19:45

If you held hands with my husband you'd find yourself waking up and having no fingers.

Of course it's wrong.

OvalLemon · 09/05/2024 19:45

Sorry but I don’t think there’s anything innocent about holding hands… that’s a very intimate act. You need to distance yourself from this before it becomes something else.

EclairsAndDoughnuts · 09/05/2024 19:48

Also meant to add. If his wife joined one evening, making her way towards you to say hello, would you drop his hand?

YouJustDoYou · 09/05/2024 20:10

It's weird, it's wrong, you know it's wrong. End of.

Bumcake · 09/05/2024 20:11

You’re so going to fuck this up for yourself.

Rosybamboo · 09/05/2024 20:26

You say there is nothing romantic going on, but instead of seeking your own romantic partner, you choose to go out on evenings with this group and end the night holding hands with a married man.

LLMn · 09/05/2024 20:31

You are positively giddy with joy - eager to share this with unknown people on MN. Why? He is married. Don't. Just don't. And what is it with a 'single but married man' - is it the same as "a little pregnant"?

Otherstories2002 · 09/05/2024 20:31

Gripnot · 07/05/2024 10:18

Yes, I agree about the slippery slope and I have resolved to walk with one of the single women in future, but there really is nothing.

There's no spark, no frission, no sexualised banter, no looks or glances, no emotional connection. It's beyond me how it happened or what "it" is.

Oh come off it.

BMW6 · 09/05/2024 20:34

WTF?

Holding hands is an intimate thing. What on earth are you playing at? Why isn't anyone pulling you two up on this?

Why am I answering as if this is real. Because its not, is it.

No-one does this in real life.

AGovernmentOfLawsNotOfMen · 09/05/2024 20:40

Most of my friends are male.
From work and Uni in a male industry so I don’t find any of this unusual at all,

I appreciate if youre not used to close friendships with people of the opposite sex you may feel it’s something more.
So say something to him.

LuckyPeonies · 09/05/2024 20:40

Back away, and stop trying to justify this as ‘okay because not romantic’. You are adults, not 6 year olds walking home from school.

UserNMCHNG · 09/05/2024 21:26

how bad is it to hold hands with a married man?
bad.

VeraForever · 09/05/2024 21:30

Sounds to me that you are on a slippery slope.

Back away.

NewspaperTaxis · 09/05/2024 22:28

Outing myself as a bloke on this thread, normally I stay away from these kind of threads as it's none of my business etc but just saying, many a bloke would hesitate to hold hands with a woman in this context for the simple reason that it would appear to send out romantic signals... no bloke would with any woman he certainly found unattractive, hate saying this, but he'd be worried about being followed around by some unappealing desperate case - I would not quibble with any woman taking the same view about a bloke.

I mean most men looking to hold hands, would get or be worried about getting a spiky rebuff! Or her getting the wrong idea.
But even if all 'innocent' all it takes is one inevitable - at some point - unrelated row with her indoors and suddenly he'll see you as the one he's more comfortable with...

Beautiful3 · 09/05/2024 22:34

No that's wrong. If his wife sees you two doing that, she might punch you in the face. You need both need boundaries, because he is married. The fact you've posted on here shows that you know it's wrong, on some level.

Woozerbug · 09/05/2024 22:39

Outing myself as a bloke on this thread. no bloke would with any woman he certainly found unattractive, hate saying this, but he'd be worried about being followed around by some unappealing desperate case

oh, hold up everyone, @NewspaperTaxis has kindly come along to explain for us. He speaks for all men. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable by unappealing desperate women.

Crystallizedring · 09/05/2024 22:41

I don't know. I used to hold hands with one of my male friends (and we are still just good friends, never anything sexual)but when we were both single. Once I met my now DH we stopped. Never really discussed it but not sure DH would have been too happy about us holding hands.
I think you are right to back away because no matter how innocent it is his wife isn't going to be happy if she finds out.

LauderSyme · 09/05/2024 22:42

"So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic"."

Contradiction in terms here OP.

Holding hands is itself a hint of something romantic, even if you don't know it yet. I would say holding hands is intimate and feeling comfortable with that level of physical closeness could definitely develop further. Dangerous territory.

PoppingTomorrow · 09/05/2024 22:45

including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

Bollocks, because what you're doing IS out of line.

Your "single but married" wording is a giveaway. Stop right now with that.

LauderSyme · 09/05/2024 22:48

@NewspaperTaxis "he'd be worried about being followed around by some unappealing desperate case"

How ironic then that the majority of stalking victims are female and the majority of stalking perpetrators are male. But yeah men should worry 🙄