How did this happen?

[Gripnot]

And does it matter?

Mixed friendship group, includes couples and singles and a man whose wife doesn't like to join us. All very relaxed and comfortable, my safe people. If I'm honest the first time in my life I've had a "tribe" where I felt I could completely relax and be myself.

Over the last 6 months or so, I find myself more and more with the single but married man. We're friends but nothing more, never message outside the group, never meet up without the group, never chat about anything emotional. We have similar work and education backgrounds and mostly talk about that.

However, recently, at the end of a tipsy evening we end up arm in arm or hand in hand. Still nothing remotely emotional, intimate or sexual going on, but it feels normal and comfortable. None of the group has ever remarked on it, including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

I'm not always completely sure who instigates it because it's so comfortable, but it was definitely him this weekend.

So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic".

Honestly, it I were in the "tribe" i would find this really fucking weird and very awkward. You wouldn't be in my tribe much longer.

Haha I was thinking the very same thing!

She might not fancy him, but she loves the idea that someone else's man is interested in her
oooh the power

A non-romantic unexplainable attraction to each other?
Could he be a sibling / half sibling that you never knew about?
I've read about people who've felt drawn to each other or an unexplainable bond, and it turned out that it was because they were long lost siblings.
Crazy theory, sorry, just trying to think of possibilites, even if far fetched 😂

You know full well you wouldn't do it in front of his wife so you know full well that it is wrong.

Obviously, he's the one who had a commitment to someone else, not you, blah blah blah, but if I were a woman in your "tribe" and saw that you're happy to cross the line with another woman's husband like this I'd take note and distance myself from you accordingly. So this could very much affect you too.

Yes of course it matters. He's married.

The behaviour is inappropriate and I also note you haven't mentioned your marital.staus in the OP. It comes across as you are single which makes it even more inappropriate (if that's possible)

Don't do it OP!

When I was a bit younger I very naively thought I could treat my male friends exactly the same as my female friends and I did things like holding a male friends hand in a crowded club, linking arms while walking (drunk) to the bus stop.

Even though I was genuinely 100% platonic it turned out they all thought I was well up for it. I got in an awkward situation which ruined the whole friendship group and the guy I did like stopped talking to me because he thought I was some serial hand-holding slut 😂

No one has remarked on it.

Not to your face. I can 100% guarantee that they have behind your back.

Awful thing to do imo.

Just stop the physical contact.
Arm in arm is one thing I’d do this with both make or female friends, but hand in hand is weird!!

OP you are being very naive. Holding hands, tocuhing arms, one on one conversations. How can you not think this is the beginnings of something.

Yes it matters. He's married and shouldn't be doing it. You know he's married so shouldn't be doing it.
If he were my husband you be welcome to each other.

real simple, do you do it when his partner is there or not

I agree with the pp, grow up

Yeah, right. Most my friends are dogs and cats. But when a vet was asked, he had a different opinion, as cats and dogs when they were asked. What you think about your friendship with men is an important thing but only half the story. You don't know what men you are 'friends' with think about the nature of your relationship.

Would you act the same way if his wife was there? No of course not. Get some self respect. You're sniffing around a married man and this faux "oh it's just platonic"nonsense is cringe inducing.

Find your own man. He sounds like sap going along with it and why would you even want someone like that.

That’s a very rude post.
I’m well aware of the nature of my friendships with my male friends.
There are plenty of posts on here warning OP of her and her friends behaviour.

Its important to understand everything is not always so black and white and I am offering a different perspective based on my own life experiences.

I think your previous post makes it quite obvious you know it’s wrong and adds context

Another thread by OP
I am genuinely happy with my single life3 replies

Gripnot · 07/05/2024 10:54
But annoy myself by constantly seeking male attention.

I've been single for the last 3 years (in my 50s) for the first time as an adult.

I'm wondering why the wife doesn't come out with your group? Does she know what he's like, is she reluctantly agreeing to an open relationship? Back away op. I've had similar on a night out and I removed my hand/walked away immediately.

Single but married? Does this mean he is a single man who is still legally married? As in not with his wife anymore? Or do you mean married, married but is attending an event alone, without his wife?

My husband and I have a mixed sex friends group, originally his but now also mine. Two of the other girls are my best friends now, we are very close, they were my bridesmaids. On nights out both with and without me, one or the other have linked arms with one of the girls or guys mostly to keep them upright 😂 heels and drink arent a good combo. Ive done it myself to the person nearest to me. Absolutely innocent, i have zero issue.

The fact youve described him as married single is shady to me.

OP - you say no one had called you out on this but here you are, basically calling yourself out. I don't think it will be entirely innocent on his side. Some men don't care about connections etc, they just see a possible bit of fun! Just take a step back from him, chat away but no touch at all unless you are all hugging goodbye as a group.