How did this happen?

[Gripnot]

And does it matter?

Mixed friendship group, includes couples and singles and a man whose wife doesn't like to join us. All very relaxed and comfortable, my safe people. If I'm honest the first time in my life I've had a "tribe" where I felt I could completely relax and be myself.

Over the last 6 months or so, I find myself more and more with the single but married man. We're friends but nothing more, never message outside the group, never meet up without the group, never chat about anything emotional. We have similar work and education backgrounds and mostly talk about that.

However, recently, at the end of a tipsy evening we end up arm in arm or hand in hand. Still nothing remotely emotional, intimate or sexual going on, but it feels normal and comfortable. None of the group has ever remarked on it, including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

I'm not always completely sure who instigates it because it's so comfortable, but it was definitely him this weekend.

So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic".

Have a word with yourself. If you wouldn't do it in front of his wife, don't do it.

Nope. I’ve thought long and hard but I can’t ever imagine going arm in arm, or worse, hand in hand, with any of my friends’ husbands. Totally inappropriate. What were you thinking?

That’s your take on it, what about his?

Ask his wife.

Would you do it in front of his wife?

There's your answer.

Oh, and PS EVERYONE noticed. They probably just can't be arsed involving themselves in your blatant shenanigans.

As a PP said, if his wife was sat across from the table would you be linking arms and holding hands? That's your gauge really. (Although I do suspect you really already know this or wouldn't be asking as noone has pulled you up on it.)

Honestly holding hands with another adult is quite intimate and you don't do it sober which might tell you something (perhaps there were inhibitions that have been lowered by alcohol). If I was the wife I'd suspect an emotional affair that's started to get a bit touchy feely.

If you wonder too much about what you shouldn't
be doing then you probably shouldn't do it.

Well, I haven't said I speak for all men! Anyway, everyone else on this thread is 'explaining' it. And I agree with the other poster who says that it's usually the men who are stalkers etc. You get women stalkers too but it's not the same.

My point is, maybe the OP is fairly attractive, maybe she isn't - but a bloke is generally aware of doing something that might be construed as a pass. Usually on count of having been burned or rebuffed in the past, via someone getting the wrong - or right - idea. The chances are such an action has consequences - either via being rebuffed or 'humiliated' by being knocked back by a looker, or having the non-looker get the wrong idea and go after him...

A kindly fella with a hat and scarf in his mid 70s or older could get away with doing this to a younger woman and it would have a different tone, it might seem avuncular - but a younger fellow would be accustomed via relatively recent past experience of moves being interpreted or misinterpreted, and probably not want to do it.

Then again, maybe the man in question sees himself and what he's doing in that very category of the older guy - in that he's generally being innocuous.

This is how it started between my husband and the woman he had an emotional affair with. It wrecked my life. Please don't do that to someone else.

Would his wife be happy to see you hold holds? Most probably not so you are out of line.

i don’t believe for a second there’s nothing there. For one of you or both of you

Can you be sure he isn't thinking the opposite? It might feel platonic from your end, but he might not agree.

Hope the disrespectful prick's wife finds out and deals with his shittery appropriately.

maybe nobody has said anything to you- doesn’t mean they aren’t gossiping behind your back. Or maybe he has form so they used to his behaviour and it’s now normal

So why are you bothered?

I wish there was a site for anonymously naming names..

Sorry, you like him, he likes you and you are both in denial that it's innocent!

Tell you what, walk up to his house for some reason (or yours) see how fast he drops your hand 😂

Sorry, but it’s not at all appropriate. He is married - to someone else. The fact his wife doesn’t join in with the group is irrelevant. You should not be holding hands.
As other posters say, ask yourself how you would feel if you were married and your spouse started holding hands with another woman. I imagine you would not be very happy. It’s a slippery slope you’re on, to be honest.

Not okay from a married man whose wife isn't there.
Are you single OP? I assume you are and this plays a part as well. If you're attached and your partner is there its a different vibe than one of the single women of the group holding hands with your DH.

Nip it in the bud and make sure it doesn't happen again. It's not appropriate. If he asks why just say 'I don't think your wife knows me well enough to that it's platonic'

It’s completely inappropriate and you know it is but you’re enjoying the frisson of excitement aren’t you?
Very dangerous game you’re playing, I hope you can cope with the inevitable fallout at some point.

I find it very weird and unusual, I've never since childhood held hands with a friend, no matter how close we are. Arm in arm is more likely to be something friends do, but then I would never do even that with a married man. Again, no matter how close a friend they are!

Grow up.

You're thinking about him. You're fantasing about him. You can't wait for the next time you can physically touch him and pretend it's all innocent.

He's not single. He's married. You've already decided it's his wife's fault. Any children involved?

If he goes out socially alone - and expecially if he says he loves his wife - he's probably a serial philanderer.

But I expect you've already got him on a pedastal.

You're desperate for romance and an extra special relationship with him. He's baited the hook and you're jumping.

However one thing I know is people always do what they want to do.

You want a lot of people to support you saying "we believe it's all innocent"

So when you have sex with him, you can pretend you were taken unawares.

Nah. Go look in the mirror and decide what he has to do for you to snog him. And what he has to do for you to shag him.

And then what happens to your tribe? What if they don't approve? Or do you think they will?

Man who’s wife doesn’t like to join us who’s wife hasn’t been invited and made to feel she can’t by her husband so he can act single. Well done for enabling this OP, do better.

Yes, it matters, and no, it's not good. Would you do it if his wife was there?

I was going to say you've made a lot of assumptions there, but actually you've just made it all up.

Why don't you take your own advise and grow up

You were on a roll there!