How did this happen?

[Gripnot]

And does it matter?

Mixed friendship group, includes couples and singles and a man whose wife doesn't like to join us. All very relaxed and comfortable, my safe people. If I'm honest the first time in my life I've had a "tribe" where I felt I could completely relax and be myself.

Over the last 6 months or so, I find myself more and more with the single but married man. We're friends but nothing more, never message outside the group, never meet up without the group, never chat about anything emotional. We have similar work and education backgrounds and mostly talk about that.

However, recently, at the end of a tipsy evening we end up arm in arm or hand in hand. Still nothing remotely emotional, intimate or sexual going on, but it feels normal and comfortable. None of the group has ever remarked on it, including 2 women who absolutely would tell me if they thought I was out of line.

I'm not always completely sure who instigates it because it's so comfortable, but it was definitely him this weekend.

So just how bad is it to hold hands with friend at the end of an evening? Why is it happening when there's absolutely no hint of anything "romantic".

You're deluding yourself. You like the attention and are ignoring the wider group aspects.

It's fine having a hand swing in a jokey sort of way but you don't care about his wife and are becoming too attached!

You’re being very naive to think there’s nothing in it. Touching him in any way is out of order and him to you too. His wife would be very uncomfortable with this. He has clearly got issues in his marriage to go out every weekend without her seeking attention from you. It’s him that needs to address this before he crosses a serious line. I would have a word with one of his close friends to have a word with him. I just can’t imagine being in a marriage and doing separate things on the weekend. It’s really weird behaviour from him.

I would think nothing of walking arm in arm with any friend of mine - married or not - and often do. Although i have known most of my friends (and many of their partners) for a good few decades, and my husband has too. Hand in hand is more intimate IMHO.
If you are questioning if this is right, I think you know that it isn't for your particular case. Not worth losing your tribe over.

Would you do it if his wife was there? I've linked arms with a married man walking home after a night out - but his wife was on his other arm we were in a busy area and he wanted to keep us both safe and close by! Also I'm not sure if it makes a difference but they met through me I've been friends with him since we were in nappies and it was something we always did before they met.
But I absolutely wouldn't do it without her being there, even though he's more like a big brother to me than anything else!

It’s the start of boundaries being crossed and you’re both testing the water as I suspect you fancy each other.

@jaamy it's fairly obvious OP wants attention too much! And wants this to be important

Have you asked him outright- ask hi what he would think if his wife was holding hands with a friend, probably a double standard there!

Exactly this, @Gripnot

You may not be interested now but all the signs are there for another step forward. All it needs is for you to have the beer goggles on one night and before you know it, you're snogging in the corner dont ask me how I know. Back off now and start conversing with the others. He fancies you.

Uh, you keep behaving as if this happened entirely without your input — you were there, tipsy or not, you decided to hold hands with this guy. Either you were extremely drunk with no control over your actions, or it’s pretty disingenuous to behave as though this is all down to the other person, and you aren’t responsible for, whoops, a bit of handholding.

I have close male friends I’m on handholding terms with, but they’re friends of 20 years, I’m aware of what I’m doing etc.

If you came out of the venue hand in hand and unexpectedly ran into his wife out buying a pint of milk or whatever would you immediately drop his hand? If you wouldn't be happy holding his hand in front of her you shouldn't be doing it. You probably find it flattering at the least to have his attention, even if there are no romantic feelings your side. You are setting yourself up for a situation where his relationship blows up and you end up with the group feeling awkward and having to pick sides. Just stop it while you can.

No body had said anything but be assured they are talking about it behind your back and it's only a matter of time before the wife knows

OP you know that this feels wrong or you wouldn't be asking this question on a public forum.

It may not feel like anything from your side but you have no idea what he is thinking and things can always change from your end too. If this was my boyfriend and a female friend I would be devastated as it definitely feels like an emotional affair even if it's nothing more than hand holding.

I'm not saying men and women can't be friends but there are lines not to be crossed.

Just stop. Done.

Put in distance right now. Even if you feel nothing romantic it sounds like he does.

You will lose 'your tribe' if this blows up. Even it is all his side/ you don't reciprocate it will destroy the group dynamic and people may not be comfortable with you

I agree with everyone else here, walk away. And perhaps have an honest conversation with yourself: as someone has suggested you may not be aware of your own feelings.

I wonder, though, when you've been married or even in a relationship long enough, the sexual tension isn't there in the way it is at the start of an affair relationship, it becomes "normal and comfortable". I couldn't tell you if my husband went to hold my hand first or I his...

He's got the hots for you. You need to have a firm conversation where you say you don't want it to happen again, then keep your distance. Be disciplined.

If I found out my husband had been holding hands (!) with another woman on a night out I would be devastated tbh.

Hi poor wife. You know it's wrong as you wouldn't be asking on here otherwise. You seem to be enjoying the attention to be honest. Stay away from him.

You're massively in denial about what's going on here, and it's actually making me cringe. It's just embarrassing reading you saying thing like 'I don't know how it happened' and 'There's nothing romantic in it'. Stop playing the wide-eyed innocent and stop holding hands with other people's husbands. You're being awful. Grow up.

It’s only a matter of time before the other couples in the group start to wonder if you’d flirt with their husbands/partners if they weren’t there. This won’t end well.

It absolutely does matter even if it’s nothing romantic. I would loose my shit if my partner did that! I would just stop doing it

Your lovely new tribe are going to think you're a right one. It will all turn on you and not the bloke who undoubtedly wants to get in your pants. Anyway, you know all of this already don't you.

Arm in arm is pretty platonic to me - especially in the winter when the paths are icy I'll hang on to anyone's arm!

Hand in hand is kind of intimate though. I'd distance myself from him if I were you, or the group will talk. No one can see inside your head to know that it's not romantic for you if that is really the case.

Also what makes you think anyone would actually mention it to you if they thought it was off? They'd probably just stop inviting you to stuff.

No! Stop!

Keep playing with fire and I guarantee you will get burnt.There will no sympathy from netmums when it blows up in your face. You know this is unacceptable otherwise you wouldn't be asking. As others have said you will end up losing your tribe, just because they haven't said anything doesn't mean they aren't secretly judging your behaviour and your character.