Family rift - How often should local relative see 85yo parent?

[Curlewwoohoo]

85yo parent lives in own home, alone, as they have for decades. Recently their adult child moved 'back' to the same village. Adult child was recently divorced and their own children had flown the nest. They had friendships in the village. They are seeing their parent once a week for lunch. Do you think this is enough? Because no one seems to be happy! I think it's a problem of misaligned expectations from the get go...

Presumably you're the adult child.
I don't think there is a set "answer" to this one.

To me once a week seems fine, but it depends on so many things; what's the relationship been like historically? What was discussed before adult child moved back?
Does the parent have care need etc

Once a week is more than enough but I may have skewed judgement in this department as it would be torture for me....

Yes. As per first answer.

No-one seems to be happy?

Who? The elderly person, the relative who sees them once a week, or...?

It wouldn’t be enough for me to see my 87 year old mum once a week….but it’s your parent so you do you🤷‍♀️

Once a week seems ok, if you aren't particularly close. Are they in touch via phone/text on other days?

I'm not actually any of them!

nobody can answer this as it’s different for every family. I presume you are the adult child who finds one lunch a week enough, and your parent thinks it’s not enough.

My granny lived alone for about 30 years and her kids all took their work lunch breaks at her house Monday - Friday, came over to do house jobs on Saturday and came for dinner on Sunday.. and she’d still say nobody ever came to visit her!

What are the other options?

Are you the adult child @Curlewwoohoo

wasn’t this thought of and / or discussed before moving back? How were they managing before you moved back?

neither of my parents have made it past 74 so I’m not sure what would have been expected tbh.

There's no way I could see my parents as often as once a week so I salute the person who manages it!

I lived close to my elderly widowed mother and 5 times a week was a good week. It was mostly 6-7 times. Very difficult as it was far far too much for me and not enough for her.

Any more than once a week would be too much for me but it depends on the closeness and relationship.

Once a week would be fine for me too. Especially while the parent remains well & mobile enough to remain in their own home.
Obviously, this current situation is subject to change in the future, but adult child is well able to have a life beyond their parent.
The risk is that if more frequent visits start up then that becomes the new expectation, difficult to come back from & an increased reliance on just these 2 people rather than any other external support networks (work, friends, elder support groups, neighbour's etc)

Obviously it depends on the relationship and there is no right or wrong. Seeing my mum once a week would be more than enough I only see her a few times a year, but some of my siblings are closer to her and would see her several times a week if distance allowed. We haven’t all treated the same both growing up and in adulthood. How much has the mum been there for the adult child? Did she help with childcare with the grandchildren and step up to help at times her adult child may have needed her? If she’s been a doting parent I understand why she may feel one lunchtime meet up a week isn’t much, equally if she’s been hand off for the last few decades she can’t expect her adult child to suddenly prioritise her just because she’s elderly now.

Which one of them isn't happy and why?

It's hard to say because every family is different. I see my mum at least 4 times a week. Mil 3 times a week
We live very close and enjoy each others company. My grown-up kids visit their grandmother's once or twice a week.

There are no care needs, it's more company. The elderly relative thought they'd get more. However the adult child who moved back works long hours, has a dog to walk, has friends and family they want to see, and their own stresses. The elderly relative is not necessarily always easy company. The adult childs kids (the grandkids) don't want to see them. But it is very sad for elderly person. Their friend network has now dwindled. And none of us want them to be sad.

I can see both sides!

Both!

My grandparent is lonely and thought this would be the answer.

Their child is under pressure from my grandparent and other family members who think they should do more, on one side. And on the other side from their own children who say to cut ties further! Plus they have their own life's stresses.

2 times calling in for 10 minutes plus the lunch would be t he minumu

Can't you call in and say hello on your dog walk?

Elderly parent should have been ‘easier company’ over the years if they wanted their child to spend more time with them.

The adult child isn’t obliged to visit them at all. The adult child has a busy life and the parent needs to accept that.

Everyone feels sad for the elderly person, maybe everyone should feel sad for the adult child who is already busy and now has their ‘not easy’ parent trying to make demands on them, and by the sounds of it the elderly parents is trying to get everyone else on their side.

Tricky. The other thing to consider is that she could be alive for another ten years, can the adult child commit more time for that long?

Is there a local charity of befrienders, or a village hobby group? Would facetiming help? Could one dog walk be replaced with some agility in the old person's garden or trick training in the house?

This. I see my DM once a week now for my own sanity. I did try and see her more but it was never appreciated, nothing I did was ever good enough and I have gradually started to pay attention to how my mum sees and values me and my DC (at the bottom of the pile) and realised that however hard I try nothing will ever be good enough and other family members will always be better thought of.

Other family members living locally are preferred and closer to her due to one thing and another (they also received regular childcare, other emotional support and greater financial support over the years). whereas I have been independent of her financially since I was 16 so I don’t fulfil her need to be needed.

Once a week is plenty.

Those relatives who are unhappy should visit more themselves.