Family rift - How often should local relative see 85yo parent?

[Curlewwoohoo]

85yo parent lives in own home, alone, as they have for decades. Recently their adult child moved 'back' to the same village. Adult child was recently divorced and their own children had flown the nest. They had friendships in the village. They are seeing their parent once a week for lunch. Do you think this is enough? Because no one seems to be happy! I think it's a problem of misaligned expectations from the get go...

So you can do 'the odd' visit to your grandparent. And your aunt does once a week, but a lot of other relatives think she should be doing more. Why can't these other relatives step up? Or do they just like criticising from a distance but not putting themselves out in any way?

Bonkers that so many people think that they can dictate what the aunt does with her time!

Her 80s was such a difficult age for my mum, essentially housebound the days are long, especially when like many older people she fell into the habit of napping during the day and being awake a lot at night.

I am one of 5 siblings and we worked out a rota so she had someone visiting 5 days a week but it was hard work when we all had busy lives with FT work, dc in teen/exams years.

I would see her 1-2 times a week, but we all worked together to make sure she had company as regularly as possible. I have no idea how I would have coped if we had a smaller family, and it is the only thing that worries me about ds being an only child and potentially having that burden alone.

Nicely said.

There are 3 adult children, 1 in the same village now and works 5 days a week, 1 an hour away retired, 1 a few hours away and semi retired. Of the grandkids I'm the only one really who would visit more. I live an hour away, work and have primary age kids.

This thread is a right mixed bag which says a lot!

What - payback time, you mean? The selfless act of bringing children up should mean that an obligation is placed on them to look after their parents years down the line?

In a loving relationship that wouldn't be an issue, and many people would actively want to help and support aged relatives in whatever way they can.

Life's not always like that though.

The relationship between an adult and their elderly parent may not be a positive one, and there could be very good reasons why they don't want to visit their parent. You only have to look at some of the posts on the 'Stately Homes' threads about toxic parents to see why that could be an issue.

I think it's got absolutely nothing to do with any other family members what your aunt does!
Siblings dont have the right to guilt trip her into spending time with their mother just because she lives locally.
Only your aunt gets to decide on her relationship with and amount of time she allocates to her mother.
If you want to spend more time with your GM do so. But again, that's your decision. No one else's.

An elderly parent is simply a human being at a different stage of their life from you; a person with feelings and problems just like you

And just as I'd tell an adult child they should have zero expectation of childcare or financial support from their parents, I say there is no automatic expectation of support from adult offspring to elderly parents.

I loved my parents and moved to be closer to them. My choice. I still only visited on average once a week until their needs became more significant. But again it was my choice how much time I dedicated to them. They never made me feel guilty or responsible.

It depends on many things - the relationship between the two of them, how much help the parent needs. I sadky live far from my elderly parents but if I lived nearby I'd see them every day or nearly every day.

The wants of somebody towards the end of their life don't trump the wants of a busy younger somebody in the prime of theirs.

I did not say that!!

What - payback time, you mean? The selfless act of bringing children up should mean that an obligation is placed on them to look after their parents years down the line?

Nor did I say that either!

What I am saying is that we are all human beings with needs, which are different depending on the stage of life that we are at. I was challenging the idea that an older person should by definition be regarded as a "problem" to be solved; someone to whom an obligation is owed that is a nuisance.

A child is not seen in that way; a young adult is not seen in that way; a working person is not seen in that way; even a middle-aged person is not seen in that way. They are judged on their merits.

An older person is slotted automatically into a problem category.

I am a grandmother. I am lonely - my life's partner died miserably and slowly - I am in physical pain. None of this was my choice; and it will not be yours when your turn comes.

My AC are not made to feel bad about this - it is the last thing I would wish. I do not impose on them in any way or burden them with my sadness and we all get along fine - I have warm and loving relationships with them all, and their spouses and their children. I take infinite joy in watching them live their lives and become wonderful parents. But we all get along because I make no demands on them - I do not burden them with my sadness after losing my partner; I do not burden them with my loneliness; I do not burden them with my physical pain .... because that is what is required of anyone who gets past 65 - to be unobtrusive and make no demands. I am pretty darned good at it!

I have been very clear with them that if my needs become too great for me to manage at home on my own, I do not expect them to be my carers and I plan to organise my own care (if I am able) - if not they know that I wish for them to organise care for me rather than undertake it themselves.

I reckon with luck I will have at least another 10 years of independence; but they will be years of loneliness and physical pain. I do mind about that - how could I not?!

My original post was intended not to imply that AC owe their parents care; but simply to say that it is not a great phase of life; it is not one that is particularly joyful; but the person underneath this is no different from all of us of any age. I do not want to be slotted automatically into a box that says: "Problem."

It is a phase of life that will come to all of us (unless we die young). It is worth considering what is being said on this thread: that someone who is elderly should have no expectations of the people around them. Does this apply at any other stage of life? Should children have no expectations of their parents? Should adults have no expectations of their spouses? Should workers have no expectations of their employers? Is it only the elderly who should have no expectations of their fellows?

I do understand that where a parent has failed their child there will inevitably be resentment and a lack of sympathy - that is wholly understandable.

“I have been very clear with them that if my needs become too great for me to manage at home on my own, I do not expect them to be my carers and I plan to organise my own care (if I am able) - if not they know that I wish for them to organise care for me rather than undertake it themselves”

This is exactly what my mother said all her life, until she was in her 80’s. Then she started saying she never wanted this. What do you do then? I love my mother dearly, don’t live close and have a very busy life. Do I drop all my other responsibilities? I am
not a “natural” carer and have made very clear to DH he mustn’t expect me to care for his DM as we live closest of his siblings to her.

If I was male would the same caring responsibilities be expected of me? My life changed irreversibly when I had DC and I am finally coming to a point where I can smell the freedom. I am not prepared to give that up to care for elderly relatives. I did 95% of the childcare, halted my career and gave up decades to care for and support my DC. So now the last thing I want is to be tied down again and feel like I should see somebody because it’s what society wants.

And that’s what OP is doing - seeing a situation in her family and assuming that because they live close and no doubt they are female that they should step up. They shouldn’t. All of the family should be involved, no matter their gender or locality. Shame on the OP for guilt tripping the “adult child”.

Well my DS currently visits Mum at least once most days and has her at the house 3 or 4 times per week. However Mum is getting frailer and has recently lost the dog that was her companion, so she is moving in with me in August.
My other DS and DB are fairly useless and seem to have reconciled their consciences to that.

It’s the title of the OP that is riling me - “should”.

If I lived that close to my aged parents I would see them several times a week and probably pop in another few times it I were passing.

@Mischance I really appreciate your responses.

I think for with grandparent unfortunately they put all their eggs (psychologically) in the one basket of the adult child who was (and now has) moved back to the village.

Before covid, grandparent had a pretty active social life, including friends to holiday with, classes at a health club, prior to that it was the WI. All that stopped over covid and while things are now up and running again, grandparent isn't going. When we suggest attending these things, excuses are put in the way.

But grandparent is crying all the time. And phones adult children 2 & 3 crying saying 1 isn't seeing them enough.

The adult child 1s own also adult children (blinking heck sorry, so these are other grandchildren) now won't do anything with the grandparent so adult child 1 leaves grandparent out of some things because they want to see their own kids. Eg a weekend market. The adult childs own kids are getting protective as adult child 1 is getting it in the neck and actually new to living on their own (divorce and kids flown), moved back to village to get new life near to old friends, has a stressful job...

@SplendidRhododendronsDeirdre I'm not that person. I'm a child of one of the other adult children. Trying to do some adjudication to get everyone back on speaking terms and to reach an understanding that makes everyone happier, I think. Which might include saying to my parent.

Depending on the size of the village and the distance between them, the adult child could walk their dog past the parent's house, give them a knock and just chat at the door for 5 minutes or pop on for a cup of tea, every other day. It would take the pressure off the weekly lunch fulfilling the whole week's social needs. From experience, this works.

Sorry OP don’t understand you are not what person?

The title of the OP suggests you think there should be an expectation on - presumably your aunt?

I would tread carefully expecting her other siblings to step up as well. Explaining the situation is one thing but placing expectations - especially caring expectations on people is a different matter.

Hearing this I have utmost sympathy with “adult child 1” - presumably your aunt. Poor bloody woman.

I've got a "D"M who has always been difficult company. Once a week is more than enough. If other family members aren't happy I point out that they can visit as often as they like. People seem to judge daughters in particular very harshly but seem reluctant to spend their own time doing what they suggest others do.

“But grandparent is crying all the time. And phones adult children 2 & 3 crying saying 1 isn't seeing them enough.”

This is very unfair on your aunt and someone needs to tell your grandmother that.

I completely agree-that isn’t reasonable!

The family members complaining should do more of their own visiting.

Well done to your DAunt for keeping to once a week, especially of others are giving her pressure.

Your DGM cannot expect your DAunt to be her entertainment and provide company on her every whim.

Unless your DGM has the beginnings of Dementia the family need to point out every single time that she complains that she can go back to her old social activities or find new ones to join.