Family rift - How often should local relative see 85yo parent?

[Curlewwoohoo]

85yo parent lives in own home, alone, as they have for decades. Recently their adult child moved 'back' to the same village. Adult child was recently divorced and their own children had flown the nest. They had friendships in the village. They are seeing their parent once a week for lunch. Do you think this is enough? Because no one seems to be happy! I think it's a problem of misaligned expectations from the get go...

Sounds like the adult child has a full schedule. You do get that mismatch between a busy adult child, for whom a lunch once a week is a big commitment and actually quite a big chunk of their leisure time, Vs the elderly parent whose calendar is wide open and one lunch hardly fills anything.

Neither are unreasonable. Adult child may be unwilling to create expectations that they will take on the bulk of the care when the time comes too.

As often - or as little - as they want. Probably a mistake to move back to the same village, though.

A few ideas which might work. Perhaps it could be arranged that a cleaner or home help goes in once a week for a couple of hours. MIL had one for years, and it really helped us, with her having that extra little bit of company. MIL could still do most things, but her cleaner helped with bigger jobs like changing the beds and vacuuming under sofas and 'spring cleaning' cupboards etc. Maybe a local retired person could be persuaded to go and fiddle about in the garden - again, mainly for the company rather than actual gardening. If there are any senior citizens lunch clubs or jigsaw puzzle afternoons, that's another idea. Perhaps other elderly relatives or friends could be persuaded to phone at the same time once a week, (if it's Tuesday it must be Brenda kind of thing). Basically you need to fill up the elderly person's week with random trivia. They don't notice they are on their own so much then. The church congregation can be very good at organising this sort of thing, they like a project.

Thanks for the ideas. Grandparent isn't open to suggestions at the moment. I actually think other siblings might have to visit more regularly, which I will try to broach.

You can ask the other relative but no guarantee. If able bodied they really should get out more if they are lonely. My nan is 88 and my grandad died over 20 years ago. She goes out every day, sees friends. Has solo holidays. It's not for anyone else to fix their life.

It may be useful for them to visit more regularly, but they don't "have" to. The aging parent sounds very difficult if the grandchildren are advising their parent to cut ties. The children may not want to take on more caring (and that is what this is, it's caring) for an unpleasant parent.

Grandparent seems like they are rejecting other suggestions in the belief it will manipulate their dc into thinking they are alone and miserable all the time, and this will make them visit more often.

I think once a week is absolutely fine. My DM aged 86 lives 45 mins drive from me and I see her once a fortnight.

If I wasn't working I'd go see my mother most days, even if for a cup of tea. I was close to my mother and know how much seeing her family meant so much to her. If mobile id take her out y the park, church or whatever too, bit just sit in her home.
If working then maybe three times a week.

@Curlewwoohoo

You could visit if you are so worried.

Sounds like their adult child does a great job once a week.

Can I just point something out? Until you are elderly and widowed and on your own, you can have no concept whatever how it feels to be a "problem" to which time must be allocated. A "problem" who worked hard all their life to bring you up and give you chances in life.

It must be a shit situation to be in, with family members looking for excuses not to be with you; watching your every word in case you give further reasons to stay away, whilst also dealing with your friends all dying around you and your body giving up on you.

An elderly parent is simply a human being at a different stage of their life from you; a person with feelings and problems just like you.

Well - got that off my chest!! 😁

Sounds like adult child is doing the best they can to fulfil what probably feels like a massive obligation, given what sounds like a tricky relationship with their parent.

Why do the grandchildren want to cut contact?

Why is the rest of the family so concerned about the parent but not actually stepping up to visit?

You all need to be putting plans in place for when parent needs care. It absolutely should not fall to the adult child just because they live closer.

@Mischance it really depends on the kind of relationship you had... my DM walked out on my family when I was 16... she moved 130 miles away... and now 40 years later she moans that I don't go and see her. I feel sad for her but will not be guilted into visiting.

I wish I'd had the mother/daughter relationship that so many others have had, but I didn't. It is what it is.

Yes I do need to try to get there more regularly. Not sure how much it would help as I don't think it's odd visits they want really. But that's what I can do so I will.

Sounds like the adult child has lots of calls on their time. Once a week seems about right in the circumstances.

Once a week for lunch-a set meeting. If it was me, I'd pop in a couple of times as well, but not fixed-on random days. Just a " Popping to the shops-do you need anything?" "You haven't got a few teabags you can spare, have you?"

Totally depends on the relationship. Some people are pleasant to visit, conversation is easy and it's not a chore. Some are not, and visiting them is a miserable negative experience

Once a week is fine. Maybe they could chat on the phone once a week during a dog walk too. If the adult child wants too.

But it kinda helps to be nice and likeable and good company if you want company. Being elderly and lonely doesn’t suddenly wipe out being a grump or abusive or a pain in the ass you may well of been the rest of your life. Arsehole people don’t tend to just suddenly become 79 and turn into arseholes they normally always are and reap what they sow.

Who chose to have DC and all the work that entails, and hopefully without any expectation that the 'debt' would be paid.
Once a week is fine.
The wants of somebody towards the end of their life don't trump the wants of a busy younger somebody in the prime of theirs.

Adult child obvs has their own life and quite right too. Once a week is a lot to my mind - I wouldn’t have time for that.

I think it’s obnoxious to expect them to do anything tbh. If it were a man, would it be expected? Would people tut that they aren’t seeing them enough? What about the other siblings and family? Just because someone lives nearby why should it all fall to them?

And to the posters saying suck it up they’ve earned it etc. Some adults are more patient and caring and have less going on in their own lives so judging others choices really isn’t helpful.

Exactly.
It's really unfair when people try to guilt trip someone else into visiting a relative who isn't very nice.
If you want people to want to see you, be a person who people would want to see.

I can’t think of anything worse than placing demands or expectations on my adult children, when that time comes. If they want to visit, and have the time to do so, then that will be perfect and I will be very grateful, but I expect when I am becoming elderly they will have their own lives on which I do not want to be a burden. I will plan my life accordingly.

I think lunch once a week is fine as a regular arrangement. Maybe sometimes it will be more, maybe sometimes less. If anything I’d be making suggestions for other ways the older person could spend their time - craft clubs, quizzes, walking groups, language classes, there’s all manner of things around here.

It's entirely up to the adult child how often they choose to visit.

Anyone else who is expressing an opinion, but not doing any visiting calling can keep their nose out of it.

It's always so much easier to dictate what others should be doing that to do the hard work themselves.

For me - once a week would be too often.

I don't think it's fair to expect anything more of the one who lives nearer than they are willing to give