Family rift - How often should local relative see 85yo parent?

[Curlewwoohoo]

85yo parent lives in own home, alone, as they have for decades. Recently their adult child moved 'back' to the same village. Adult child was recently divorced and their own children had flown the nest. They had friendships in the village. They are seeing their parent once a week for lunch. Do you think this is enough? Because no one seems to be happy! I think it's a problem of misaligned expectations from the get go...

I try and visit once a week, very occasionally twice. It’s about an hour journey each way, I still work part time. It’s enough for me… but she’s needing more support now..

I live 40 mins by car (on a good run) from my 87 year old mum. I see her once a week and call her every day. She has slipped into the assumption that I will do all her life admin for her, get her shopping and generally relies on me and DH. My brother is 'far too busy and had enough on his plate' according to mum. Of course me and DH are retired so again the assumption is that we've got all the time in the world now.

I don't mind, obviously, but I do welcome my holidays when I just turn everything over to DB and let him sort her out. I was away for a month last year and she actually said to me 'you'll be glad to have a break from all my nonsense'. Even then I sorted everything out for her before I went, made sure she had shopping etc. It was like when I used to go to work.

Once a week here there 3 us so she gets 3 visits. Frankly its enough. I had to explain we work now. It got too much. I dont take on big gardens as suddenly you ten more jobs. Havent energy for it. 51 now. Agree re expectations

I have a 90 year old father in law, so a little perspective on this situation. From the 85 year olds perspective nothing is ever likely to be enough. My father in law has lost all perspective on what a normal non retired life is like (not surprising as he retired over 30 years ago), he has all day everyday to fill. No real hobbies, no real ability to do anything much anymore, doesn't leave the house more than once a month and has out lived any friends and siblings. He wants us to visit everyday all day and sit on his sofa and ignore us and watch his tv.

Once a week is great. Maybe a phone call halfway through the week to check up on him? If he is lonely, the adult child isn't the answer. He needs to find a group/hobby to find friends. Most children aren't friends with their parents, and shouldn't be used as company. Does he have any friends who still live locally? If so then a trip to the pub would be nicer for him, pint and a catch up.

When one parent passed away, the other became very lonely. His friends had already died and he has zero hobbies. He suddenly wanted me to visit alot! I did visit three times a week for a few months, as he was grieving. But it had to go back to once a week with calls, because I have children/dog/house to take care of. I'm not his companion and cannot sacrifice all of my spare time, because my needs matter too. Also where was he when he wasn't lonely?! It's not my job to fill in.

@Curlewwoohoo I feel for the Adult child. I've been in their shoes.

My Mother was always very self centred and that just got worse as she got older. I did a lot of things for her as she aged - but I only visited once a week, generally. I had POA for her so I managed all her money, made phone calls on her behalf, organised buying her clothes on the other days. She was also constantly on the phone and my life wasn't my own. It was never enough .

The adult child is not responsible for meeting the elderly relative's social needs. My Mother complained all the time about being lonely - but she flatly refused to join any groups, make efforts to entertain herself. All suggestions were met with a flat 'No', because 'other people aren't family and family are best'. She was incredibly selfish and it sounds like this elderly person is exactly the same. She was driving until she was 89, going out and about a lot until she was 89 and had no care needs until after that. I stuck to once a week until then even although she wanted more, because I also had a life. I really feel for the Adult child

Plus, those family members putting pressure on for the Adult Child to visit more, need to make more effort to visit themselves

It is sad that you have more time for your dog than your mum!
Could you not walk the dog to her house, and pop in fir 5 minutes.Could it you take her with you when you 'have family you want to see?

Or just lay another place at the table a couple of times a week to join you for your meal? Nothing fancy j u st whatever you are having anyway!

OP isn't the adult child, she's the adult child's niece.

The adult children have a difficult relationship with their mother, and all seem to have opinions on what others should do without being willing to give more themselves.

The adult child's own children are encouraging her to distance herself further from her mother such is the nature of the mother's behaviour.

I think adult child is striking a good balance between being present and not giving up all of her scarce free time, and also not creating expectations that she will take on the bulk of the care as the mother's health deteriorates.

Depends on a lot of factors.

I can only see my elderly grandmother once a week as she is very very negative. I also ring once a week too but it’s a very hard conversation which I feel really tired and drained afterwards. I’ve just come through a really shite time in my life so have to work on protecting my energy - which I know sounds selfish.

Im classed as her daughter as she basically raised me. So any issues and the entire family expect me to jump in to action - which I have done in the past. She stayed with me three months whilst she had a broken back and it was really hard as I had two small children. ALL THREE of her adult sons who all had spare rooms didn’t offer. This was all agreed with out me even being present!

She is 92 and I’ve actually spoken to her this morning. She was telling me about a fat pigeon outside her window which is most likely going to die. She feels like she is about to die and most conversations are about death.

I had her over on Xmas Eve and it was a three hour monologue about every single family member and friend who had passed away and the circumstances. If I tried to change the conversation she just brought it straight back. My kids were hiding in their rooms as it was so fucking depressing.

If I take her for meals she complains about it.
If I cook for her here she makes passive aggressive remarks about it despite me cooking her favourite meals. Eg, her false teeth are too big for her mouth and fall out a lot because she won’t replace them. She wanted bacon back ribs, cabbage and mash for dinner. So I cooked the ribs but pulled the meat off so she wouldn’t struggle with her teeth.

Apparently biting the meat off is the best part of the whole meal for her.

Even though we both know her teeth would have been hanging out her mouth and she would have accused me of making the meat too tough 😩

it can be really really hard work and I do feel very guilty about it but I just can’t do more at the moment ☹️

Meh what goes around comes around. If a person isn't "easy company" - which is probably a polite way of putting it - why should others spend time with them? Obligation? Guilt?

I would visit my mum twice a week but that's just me, or at least once a week long visit with plenty of phone calls checking in

Just a thought - my family and I communicate a lot by WhatsApp - photos and chat wing back and forth and it is almost as good as being there with them.

I deal with up and down moods so yep once week enough. Sick of entitled people. She has all day on her hands. My poor sister if she did 10 things our mam would want 20. I do what I can. Sigh.

That makes more sense

I'm sorry for what you went through.
I do understand now why a lot of old people don't have visitors - especially in care homes.
It's sad but it's sadder if they abused their own children.
Loved visiting my dad when he went into a care home because he was a nice bloke.
My friend's relative not so much.
You really do get back what you give our (Like my lovely Nan use to say)

I visited DM twice a week and DB and wife visited once a Week and DB2 once a week.
I dreaded them eventually - I wasn’t working and so had no excuse so was there all day. Just sooo boring .wed watch tv together after a trip out. I think d cousin is doing fine with one visit with all she has on her plate.

Scintella i went back to work as was like a taxi for family. My mam has no news some weeks Im same. Im worn out keeping it all going. I def agree u reap what u sow with family.

Once a week is more than enough from someone who is still working.

@Octavia64

But grandparent is crying all the time. And phones adult children 2 & 3 crying saying 1 isn't seeing them enough.

I can't help wondering how often the adult children 2 & 3 take it upon themselves to phone the grandparent for a chat. If they can't visit, the least they could do is ring frequently instead.

@Curlewwoohoo

'when we suggest attending these things, excuses are put in the way'

'But grandparent is crying all the time. And phones adult children 2 & 3 crying saying 1 isn't seeing them enough. '

It sounds all rather manipulative to me.

I think there might be a back story here as to why one child is not keen on spending more time with their parent. Maybe they simply refuse to be guilt-tripped and rightly so.

But grandparent is crying all the time. And phones adult children 2 & 3 crying saying 1 isn't seeing them enough

My "D"M successfully managed to play me off against my DSis for quite some time.

That you get all the siblings talking and telling your DGM the same thing, that if she's lonely, she needs to go back to her old activities?

A WhatsApp group about your DGM might be useful too so that everyone can keep one another updated.

We have one for a couple of cousins in their 90s.

As often as the adult child wants and the rest of the family should keep out of it.

It sounds fine to me. I'd assume that the parent ticks along quite comfortably, if that's what they've been doing for years.
That being said, an 85yo is pretty old. If I was the child, I'd be making the most of parents independence while it lasts. Because the law of averages would suggest that it might not last very much longer.

It depends on the health of the 85 year old, if they need help, whether or not they are mobile, and if they have other visitors or they are feeling lonely!