Parents house falling down around them

[wispse]

My parents are c65. Retired at 55 on good pensions. So about 80k a year.

victorian 4 bed house. But it is falling down. They bought it in 1994 and have not spent a PENNY on it. One working toilet. No showers. Leaking roof. Ceiling falling in. Damp. Mould. Always freezing. Holes in carpets. Dirty. Garden over grown

But to most people they seem like semi-successful retired professionals. They go on multiple holidays a year. Last year they went to Thailand twice, Barbados 3 times, Spain, Greece, city breaks. Fab. But they spend all of their money on travels or squirrel it away.

How the fk do I get through to them that they need to sort the house our before one of them falls ill or they get old?

I think Op that they have made their choices about how they want to spend their money. Honestly I wouldn't try and get them to think differently.

They’re not old, entirely up to them how they spend their lives and money. At least when they do decide to do something about it, they can well afford it.

Do they really need a four bedroom house - I mean, do they have a lot of people to stay or something?

When you've previously brought it up with them, what have they said as to why they don't want to do the work?

Yes not ideal.. my mams house is very old but we told her keep on top of it as best she can as becomes bigger issues later on. I dont know op they dont seem too stressed about it!!

Would you want to stay there? (bit tongue in cheek but it sounds gross!)

Absolutely no advice here except sympathy because my DPs are the same, except for the holidays. They are pushing 80 and the large, three bed detached house with a massive garden is also in a serious state of disrepair. The flush of the one working toilet is held together with a wire coat hanger. The back garden is impenetrable overgrowth. The paint is peeling in the bathroom and there is black mould in there and in the bedrooms. The water pressure to the bathroom stopped working so the ‘shower’ is a dribble and the one toilet takes over 15 minutes to refill. Carpets are 40 years old and worn thin and sun-stained. The kitchen is horrific.

Sadly, I have talked, reasoned, pleaded, but to no avail. I’ve said I’ll project manage anything that needs doing, but it doesn’t work. They both blame each other as to why the work won’t or can’t be done. I finally got my dad to agree to get some men in to clear the back garden and fell the massive trees. That was a year ago. Reasons it hasn’t been done since are ridiculous and make no sense.

They are both on generous defined benefit pensions and so money is absolutely not an issue.

Rooms are filled with crap, old magazines from the 70s, clothes from the 80s.

I will say the house itself is clean, they are not living in neglect in that sense. Just the building and garden is in a state and the house and garage is very, very full of… crap.

I am currently five months pregnant and in my dark days I worry I will be left to clear the house and garage while on maternity leave. I don’t know how I’d cope.

I’m sorry to have no advice but you are not alone.

What do they say when you ask them about it?

Sounds dreadful - offer to organise quotes maybe?

Sounds like they're completely overwhelmed by the amount that needs doing and so are sticking their heads in the sand. Would they be up for selling and moving to a smaller easy to maintain new build?

It's the way they want to live presumably hoarding money is more important to them than living in a decent place.

I would just let them get on with it. A lot of old people are like this. You can't tell them and it doesn't get any easier as they get older. You can help by telling them that you will be there for them when they are ready to make a decision on what they want to do about fixing it - assuming it doesn't collapse around them or the gas or electrics don't fail first.

It’s up to them how they live, but I wouldn’t visit them in their house and would tell them why.

Maybe try to encourage them to look into getting a quote for some repairs of things that add to deterioration.
Not the overgrown garden but attention to the leaking roof and some plumbing repairs might save them money in the long run.

I would absolutely insist that they have annual boiler checks and any other maintenance required to keep the house safe, e.g. replacing dodgy electrics, fix hole in the roof. Otherwise, it's up to them if they want to live in a tumbledown hovel.

How can you ‘insist’ that grown adults do those things? How can you make them?

Do they have capacity ?
if yes they have capacity to make unwise choices and take the consequences.
let them get on with it !

You can't unfortunately; all you can do is accept it and grumble internally to yourself. I feel your pain, OP. And it will be an absolute nightmare to sort out if they get sick or die, but at least they're spending their money on having a good time.

I’m amazed at the size of their pensions! What did they do for work?
I think it’s reasonable that they prioritise experiences over home decor at their stage in life but would try to push that they keep the house warm and safe.
My dad is 84 and told me last week that he just can’t spend a whole day cutting back hedges and lawns anymore. He seemed surprised it was so much hard work. He thinks he is 64!

If they don’t care, why do you?

Not being funny, but if they’ve never done any maintenance in 20 years, from 45-65, it’s not because they’re overwhelmed/infirm/lacking capacity etc. It’s because they just don’t want to.

Presumably at some point they’ll need to sell it, at a discount to reflect its condition, and move somewhere else.

What do they say their plans are?

Id be more tempted to try to get them to sell up (at a price that reflects the work that needs doing) and buy something smaller and in better condition… as long as they could afford it with the sale price of their house.

Are they nervous about getting unknown people in to do the work?

It's their home OP, as long as they are happy with it why does it bother you?

Maybe it’s overwhelming and they are sticking their necks in the sand? House renovation is never quick, easy or cheap. Could you help them draw up a list of what needs doing, starting with the most structurally pressing stuff? They can access Which trusted traders online without a membership, as a starting point maybe. Or get local recommendations.

Would you want your parents in a mouldy, cold home?

Lots of reasons! OP can't comfortably visit her parents, may not be able to bring her DC for safety reasons, will worry about caring for them when they become old, will have to take on an overwhelming job herself when they pass away, will worry that dampness from neglect will affect their health, will worry they will have a huge renovation job they have to do for safety reasons just when they run out of money etc etc.

You can't they've chosen how to live their live.
It may seem alien to you but it's their choice.