Parents house falling down around them

[wispse]

My parents are c65. Retired at 55 on good pensions. So about 80k a year.

victorian 4 bed house. But it is falling down. They bought it in 1994 and have not spent a PENNY on it. One working toilet. No showers. Leaking roof. Ceiling falling in. Damp. Mould. Always freezing. Holes in carpets. Dirty. Garden over grown

But to most people they seem like semi-successful retired professionals. They go on multiple holidays a year. Last year they went to Thailand twice, Barbados 3 times, Spain, Greece, city breaks. Fab. But they spend all of their money on travels or squirrel it away.

How the fk do I get through to them that they need to sort the house our before one of them falls ill or they get old?

It’s not about need, we don’t live in a communist society. It’s their home, they own it, they are fully entitled to live there as long as they please.

Let me guess? You don't give a shit about their quality of life, it's all about your inheritance?

I guess it isn't a rare thing when people buy a house and then do absolutely nothing to it until it falls down.

no I don’t think it’s that rare either, you see tv programs on it, often they ruin the house then sell and buy a new one.

op, nothing you can do except say you’re concerned for their living conditions, and would advise they fix some things, what are they saying about why they don’t? If they are only mid sixties it would indicate they never had, and don’t give a shit.

Wow; what a horrible response. She said until someone gets ill or they get old, so she’s worried about them living like that as they age. Why the spiteful little dig?

I read this as the OP realising she will have to either step in to house clear after a death, or be called on to help sort care in later years, in a house that doesn't even have basic maintenance kept up, both are very unfair scenarios as her parents are young and fit and should have at least some forward planning done for illness/disability/death.

Are they not concerned about electrical fires? It sounds like a deathtrap, in the event of a fire they might struggle to get out with so much stuff around, especially in the night

I don't think there is anything you can actually do about this OP, besides discussing it with your parents.

They are relatively young and healthy so they are not particularly vulnerable, and they not at the point of needing to be protected from themselves.

You can express what you think but if they choose to act differently, that is their decision. The only thing you can do is refuse to visit the house because of it's dilapidated state.

I feel your pain though. My dm - who could easily afford a plumber - had no cold running water in her bathroom for months and she got really shirty with me when I mentioned this was less than ideal!

Yup, some people would rather hoard money than have comfortable lives. But why? It makes no sense. I really don’t think there is anything you can do, OP.

To be fair if they are doing that many hols ans have a joint income of 80k they will be hoarding fuck all.

I just cannot understand this at all. I've known retired people who live in one room of a massive detached house with the house falling down around them and gardens completely overgrown and full of rats and foxes.
I cannot understand why they just don't move into a cosy bungalow and sell up.
Nice easy to maintain courtyard garden.
Why would you see you main big investment fall to ruins?

They aren’t going to maintain that either and it’s their home. I don’t get it either, but I do understand people not wishing to leave their homes after 30 years.

Change will only occur following catastrophe. Not before

Your parents are so young to be making such unwise choices that in ten years time plus might impact on their ability to stay independent.

My mum was making unwise choices nearer to 80 and ultimately if she had listened to some of my suggestions maybe she would still be with me, but she died this time last year.

You can't make them do anything. It's their choice honestly all your doing is making yourself ill. Make yourself a little rule that you only bring up a house subject x times as they will see you as nagging and they didn't listen anyway. So "wow that's mouldy, are you going to fix it? It's bad for your health you know" then try twice more than let them crack on.

You can love and care for them bit you can't control there thought process. Mum was I think hoping she would be 16 again. I guess that was made her happy. Reality isn't everyone's cup of tea when it comes to the aging process.

Repair costs/building and tradesmen have upped their prices since Brexit. No longer can you get someone from Eastern Europe to decorate a room for £200 or fit a bathroom for £3k. If they wanted to do all of the work you are suggesting, it would end up being over £100k. I can see why, so late in life, they'd rather spend that on having fun than listening to builders telling them it's the wrong kind of wall and now will take another 2 months...Random burley men in the house isn't ideal for most pensioners.

How the fk do I get through to them that they need to sort the house our before one of them falls ill or they get old?
They are adults and capable of rational thought, you don't need to get through to them. Why is it your problem that they don't care about their house?
Just leave them to it and let them deal with the issues that are caused by their choices.

We've had similar. Or they'll quote, then quote something significantly higher, we'll say ok and they'll disappear never to be seen again.

OP, could your parents have experienced this enough times that they thought 'Fuck this, we give up, we'll go on holiday instead'?

I've had experience of similar with a friend of mine. He's now 88 and until he was about 80 he was spending all his money on clothes, meals out, theatre, etc, and nothing on his house which was a hovel. All fine and lovely, we all thought - leave him to live his life how he wants, laughing fondly at his house. Now he is housebound and frail following several falls and we are all having to sort out his house so it is safe for him - the drains don't work properly, the whole place is very damp, it's overrun with mice and rats and the furniture is falling apart. So we have had to get builders and vermin control etc, in to sort it all out - he's done nothing about any of this when he could have done, so it's all falling on his friends to sort it out for him and our time would be better spent spending quality time with him, but we are worn out by the demands of the hovel.

There is no way your DP would allow this to happen, or so they will think, but now when they are fit and healthy is the time to do it. Everyone thinks they have all the time in the world.

Very true, I'm afraid.

I can very much relate to this thread. I have a relative who lives alone in a five bedroom house. It hasn't been maintained or cleaned in twenty years. Half the electrics don't work, there's no heating, every room is piled high with junk, and so on. It's heart breaking, but he will not move.

In regards to why, I'm certain that my relative has undiagnosed autism.

Just to add: I agree with life and let live, but I do feel sorry for my relative's neighbors. They have to live next to an absolute eyesore that undoubtedly brings the value of their property down.

In this case, 100%.

Yup. Honestly OP, the best thing to do is maintain your boundaries and leave them to it (not like that is easy.) If they have capacity there is nothing you can do - even if their choices are dangerous.

Don’t clear it yourself. Get a house clearance firm in.

If it’s in a reasonable location, even very dilapidated houses sell - as long as they’re not ‘optimistically’ priced.

What do they say when you talk about it? Their lack of awareness is worrying. To try and get them to downsize before more damage is done to the house and it becomes worthless. Play dumb and suggest you don't want them to be bothered with repairs, only nice holidays?

Ask them if they need help getting the roof sorted. Keeping the rain out is pretty fundamental. and will prevent further damage.

But if they say no thanks, all you can do is refuse to visit. Tell them you don't want to stay in a house where shorting electricity cabling could cause a fire.

It's their choice, their house, their money. You need to leave them to it.