Parents house falling down around them

[wispse]

My parents are c65. Retired at 55 on good pensions. So about 80k a year.

victorian 4 bed house. But it is falling down. They bought it in 1994 and have not spent a PENNY on it. One working toilet. No showers. Leaking roof. Ceiling falling in. Damp. Mould. Always freezing. Holes in carpets. Dirty. Garden over grown

But to most people they seem like semi-successful retired professionals. They go on multiple holidays a year. Last year they went to Thailand twice, Barbados 3 times, Spain, Greece, city breaks. Fab. But they spend all of their money on travels or squirrel it away.

How the fk do I get through to them that they need to sort the house our before one of them falls ill or they get old?

Why are people talking like the op is just being picky about dated decor when she’s said the roof leaks, the CEILING is falling in and the showers don’t work! That is not a normal condition for people to be living in by choice!

To most people they seem like semi-successful retired professionals.

That's because they are.

They’re only 65! They’re not needing guidance - leave them be!

Since when has 65 been elderly? 😬
Sounds like they have made traveling and enjoying retirement priority over the house?
My house is pretty awful too, I haven’t don’t much to it since I moved in 13 years ago. I would rather spend my money on experiences rather than getting a shower fitted or new carpets.
I remember my grandparents doing similar around that age, they started going on a lot of coach trips and holidays and didn’t spend money on the house. My grandmothers now 97 (which is elderly) and in the last 5 years she’s had some bits done on the house but only things that really needed doing. I think priorities change at different stages of life and for different people.

Because the parents are adults and can choose how to live their lives.

It’s not normal, no. But in reality there is nothing the OP can do about it, as they’re adults and they can make their own decisions about how they live. I’d refuse to visit them at their home however, as it sounds unsafe.

Reminds me of my FIL (without the travel)!
really, not your problem xx

Unfortunately people are very good at ignoring what they don't want to hear.

A warm, dry, maintained home is vital for good health.
If a home is too uncomfortable and unpleasant, it can be a barrier to relationships if getting to a point of being past travelling elsewhere to visit as people can end up trapped in a home that no one wants to visit or being too embarrased to let people in

Mid-60s is an age where people normally still cope with change and disruption. If they're not willing to improve their home to keep it functional now, the chances of them doing the house up longterm are pretty low.

We had similar with a relatives house. Once he passed away and we cleared the house it was in a worse state that we thought. Damp behind all the furniture etc. It took forever to empty the house. Then when it came to selling it no one was interested because it was such a big project, we had to massively drop the price just to get it sold because we were still paying the bills on it. Absolute money pit.

Thing is, if they get to a state where they can no longer look after themselves, their POA or social services will deem the house unsafe / uninhabitable and they'll end up being forced to move out.

Whereas if they keep up with the upkeep now, they'll be more likely to be able to stay there into infirmity.

Sadly I suspect there is no reasoning with these kinds of people. I saw it with my neighbour. The way he lived forced social services to get a court order to take him into care, on the grounds the house was unsafe and he was unsafe living there.

My dad died a couple of months ago. He was late 70s and a widower. His house was a shit tip- he was a hoarder with plenty of money. We offered so many times to clean it etc but refused. He died suddenly and now me and my siblings and our kids have the onerous task of clearing and sorting the house and it's bloody awful. He was also a hoarder but some the stuff he hoarded did have value but the job of sorting it all etc is immense. He was a lovely, kind generous man and we all loved him very much but it's not something I would ever leave my children to sort out.

And 65 is old if not elderly. Not everyone lives till they're 90.

Time for tough love. You are not visiting until something (choose important one for you) is fixed.

How is this at all relevant?

This.

You can’t say anything to them. You can offer suggestions but their time and money means things get done or not.

My DP’s are only now (and kicking themselves they didn’t get it done years ago when much cheaper!) getting the attic converted as it’s huge. The velux windows and sort of floorboards are down though and a pull up ladder. One reason they didn’t want it done sooner was “the mess and disruption”. But they’re now going away for a bit, leaving a project manager to oversee it, the space is huge though so they’ll get use out of it.

They could’ve easily got it done sooner and had the money then too, but it was “disruption” and if theirs was going to be like their neighbours. Or better.

My parents have a bloody 6 bedroom house for the 2 of them but they use those or want them.

It is not relevant but it’s what DM got years ago and she’s never moved.

Why should OP’s DPs downsize?

Absolutely agree.

This is sad. My parents are in a similar situation but without the money or holidays. The house represents my dad's ego and he sees it as humiliating to get someone to fix something when he could do it (when he was 30 years younger).
My poor mum is exhausted from trying to get him to move out of their slowly collapsing mansion - a place that could realistically house 3 families.
It used to frustrate me, now I'm just waiting for him to die so we can save my mum.
As others have said, you're not alone.

It used to frustrate me, now I'm just waiting for him to die so we can save my mum

Good grief.

It's relevant because if they don't need all those rooms and find such a large house hard to manage, downsizing might make more sense than trying to find a way to manage a large house.

People are being weirdly defensive about the issue. Of course they don't have to downsize if they don't want to - who said that they had to?

Thing is, things can go rapidly down hill.

A family member was like this. More interested in hobbies and pursuits out of the house, also a bit of a hoarder of collectables associated with their hobby.

When they were in their sixities it was seen as eccentric and harmless - someone who was too busy out enjoying life to be houseproud.

However, as the years passed they became more eccentric and isolated as the place deteriorated from a bit shabby and cluttered to downright dirty and unpleasant and no one wanted to visit. Their health declined in their mid seventies and they became very resistant to any change or help.

It was a very sad situation, as their last years were spent in ill health in a cold, dirty house with barely functioning basic facilities despite having a decent savings and people willing to assist.

Seems to me that they aren't finding their house hard to manage, they're just having too much of a good time enjoying life to be bothered with the hassle of finding expensive and elusive trades people to do the work. Perhaps they don't want two blokes with a booming Makita radio on their roof.

Speaking as an older person myself I have to say that years ago houses weren't as constantly fettled and 'remodelled' as they are now. People didn't have the money and/or the fashion for it wasn't there. Some of this is the imposition of modern values on people who have no interest in them.

One man's ceiling falling down is another's "nah, bugger it, let's close the door and go on a cruise because we could be stuck in a chair or dead in 10 years".

This idea that parents should organise the last 10 years of their life to ensure a low maintenance future for their children is a new thing.

There is a difference between not constantly modernising and ignoring the fact bits of your house that are actually falling down though!

I speak as someone who has been meaning to replace the rather sad and literally moth eaten carpet in one bedroom for a few years now. If a ceiling fell down in one room I would rouse my self pretty quickly to sort it!

Those saying 'they are only 65' are ignoring how fast ageing creeps up. My DM is only 11 years older than OPs parents and is helpless as an infant. She won't even climb a ladder to change a lightbulb for fear of falling. Her house is equally awful - full to the gills with junk, dusty as a museum, lintels cracked, windows in dire need of replacing, everything bodged, leaking shower. She won't get things fixed, won't/can't (physically) clear out the junk and I think is just playing a waiting game that one of her kids will do the work/fund it for her.