Parents house falling down around them

[wispse]

My parents are c65. Retired at 55 on good pensions. So about 80k a year.

victorian 4 bed house. But it is falling down. They bought it in 1994 and have not spent a PENNY on it. One working toilet. No showers. Leaking roof. Ceiling falling in. Damp. Mould. Always freezing. Holes in carpets. Dirty. Garden over grown

But to most people they seem like semi-successful retired professionals. They go on multiple holidays a year. Last year they went to Thailand twice, Barbados 3 times, Spain, Greece, city breaks. Fab. But they spend all of their money on travels or squirrel it away.

How the fk do I get through to them that they need to sort the house our before one of them falls ill or they get old?

It's not age, but their preference. I have in-laws, who've done nothing to their house since moving in over 27 years ago! It is damp, dark, has had some issues with the electrics and I could go on. Their choice, but ours is not to visit them in a home that frankly smells damp and is freezing cold, which seems to have resulted in them having health issues and seems a very poor way to live given their money in the bank! They've been good to their daughters, but done nothing else, which seems sad to me, but their choice. Your parents have a choice and every right to do as they please and sitting in a well kept house, accumulating in value, is not going to help them enjoy life and will simply be an asset that pays for care potentially or is left to others and if stuff needs to be done in the future, then it will be a decision for another day. If they are happy then great and we do see the in-laws, just in a nicer environment than the box they inhabit.

It's the 'they're retired and in their 60s, what do they need all that space for when they could downsize and it could be used by a family with children?' message that occurs rather frequently on here. The message that hit retirement and all you're doing is waiting for death so why do you need spare rooms for that?

I suggest you scale back your efforts. Stop wearing yourselves out dealing with the consequences of someone else's life choices. His choice to live the high life and refuse to take responsibility for himself doesn't entitle him to send his friends into an early grave running round after him.

OP they bought the house in 1994 and have never done any maintenance or repairs. This is not new behaviour. In asking how to get through to them you're essentially asking how you can change their personality. Answer - you can't. As above, I suggest you stand firm and don't be sucked into being their carer or chief fixer of problems due to their lifestyle choices.

The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. When the situation starts to worry you or you become upset that they're suffering, find some way of dealing with your emotions healthily. That doesn't involve trying to prevent those emotions occurring by dealing with all the practicalities of someone else's self inflicted situation at the expense of your own health/finances/family life/social life.

That may be your interpretation but mine was why have a large house that you don't have the motivation or ability to maintain why not have something smaller that you can keep on top of 🤷🏼‍♀️
Ultimately they are free to make their own choices and they will have to live with the consequences of those choices. We all make our beds and then we have to lie in them 🤷🏼‍♀️

That rather assumes they'd keep on top of a smaller house.

I don't disagree!
(and as has been pointed out by others they very likely won't😬)
Surely the immediate neighbours are the ones with the greatest interest in intervening since they will be the ones affected if the property falls into disrepair?

I feel for you OP. Of course it’s their choice but it’s a very selfish choice. I suspect that the main reason is that they know (deep down) they they won’t deal with the consequences.
They don’t want up spend money and energy on downsizing now but I bet would expect children to help them with the process when they will have to downsize in much older age or for health reasons.
If they would need to go to a care home, it’s their children who would be expected to do cleaning and arranging everything.

Yes, often parents are helping with grandchildren etc etc so it’s natural to help them later on. But some problems could be easily dealt with when GPs were younger and healthier but of course it would mean skipping the trip to Thailand…

The problem I will have with that is that hidden under all the junk are some really valuable items - I wouldn’t trust the house clearance firm not to recognise these items.

Honestly I am absolutely dreading it, when the time comes.

OP is it worth breaking down the different issues by priority? Forget overgrown garden or holey carpets. Why is it cold- lack of insulation or they won't put the heating on? Surely a leaking roof is a pretty urgent priority - could you focus on talking them into that? (Annoying because you pay loads for nothing noticeably different! )

Have posted very early on in the thread in sympathy with @wispse because I am in exactly the same position, only my parents are pushing 80. I simply think that a good 90% of posters simply do not understand the extent of the problem. It’s huge, it’s overwhelming. It’s not about decor or fashion. It is about black mould, completely impenetrable gardens, damp, bodge jobs, dilapidated rooms. The issue of inheritance I can guarantee is the furthest thing from OP’s mind. Instead it’s worry about their health and wellbeing and utter dread at what the future holds.

But this thread isn't about housing shortages or whatever. It's literally about a couple having a large house which they don't apparently have the time or interest to look after, and if it's mould and leaky with dangerous ceilings then I am guessing that they are not having lots of house guests, so all those rooms will not be serving much of a purpose other than creating more work and DIY tasks. Would it not make more sense to get a more compact, modern dwelling that needs no work done on it, so that it does not matter if they spend their time and money on travelling instead?

The prickly paranoia evident in some of the responses here ("How dare you FORCE people out of their homes against their wills, communist?") may perhaps give us some insight into what is going on in the OP's parents' minds, I think.

I suspect the "live and let live" crowd have never experienced this issue first hand...

What’s the alternative though? You can’t force them to do anything about it. All you can do it protect yourself with boundaries.

@SkippyU If it helps, I know (from experience) that there are specialist house clearance people who will help sift and sort out valuable things - social services will often be able to recommend them to you.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but this book is written by someone whose mother was in a house like that.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Stuff-Possessions-obsessions-behind-dp-1784163309/dp/1784163309/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Can you have an open chat with them about selling to a new house?
You don't have to push how grim it is just bang on about a friend of yours parents downsized to a lovely tidy house/bungalow, now they have no worries about maintaining a big house and are always travelling etc. Would you consider that mum/dad?
If they say no we could never sell we love it here/our space you could talk about getting some work done maybe?
I have a very different relationship with my DF I would just tell him he needs to get some work done/future proofing etc. We just got a new bathroom in for him for example.

My FiL is the same. 4 bed house, nothing decorated for ages, does listen when it comes to safety checks and fixing stuff that would lead to leaks etc if nagged. I was talking to him one day and got onto a parallel subject which got me wondering. Even if the house was in the condition the poster described- it would still be in a better state that the house he grew up in. And that was good enough for his parents...

I hear you, OP.
I couldn't live like this.
Distantly reminds me of my abusive mother's flat in another country.
Doesn't lift a finger, spends money only when stuff falls apart, reluctantly.
Glad I haven't visited in five years, cannot wait for the whole situation to cease.

Thank you.👍

You clearly don't understand do you

What a nasty response

I have a friend in a similar situation to you. Her mother is living in a 5 bed detached house with nice grounds that's a 2 mile drive to the local petrol station/ shop and 3 miles to the nearest town.

It a house that requires gardening to be done and regular maintenance to keep it in good order.
It took a particularly cold winter to finally get the windows replaced in the house a few years ago. It was a job that needed to be done for 10 years. My friend heard it was to expensive up to this point but she knew the house would be warmer with this done.

Some other jobs were done after this. The house could still do with certain things been done but at least now its far better than it was.

A few years ago my friend had to listen to the cost of things, the maintenance the house needed ect. She suggested to her mother that she could sell the house and move to a smaller place in town. Her mother was far from happy with this suggestion.

My friend has decided at this stage that she is stepping back. Her mother refuses to sell the house and move to somewhere that would be better for her as she ages.

Sympathy OP. I have a similar situation, and those who say you're only thinking of inheritance have spectacularly missed the point.

My dad is 89 now, super frail and my god the state of their bathroom. Black mould on the walls. Makes washing very difficult for him even with mums help. I tried to get them to replace it ten years ago when they were younger and could cope with the disruption but they would not listen.

Heating doesn't work in the bedrooms so my parents are always cold. Living room ceiling looks like it's hanging on by its fingernails! Thankfully their roof seems ok.

Those of you going on about them enjoying hols etc - fine, but fast forward 20 years when they are living in squalor because they didn't even plan for the basics. It's frustrating.

It's only their own business until you find their house insurance hasn't been paid or won't pay out for preventable water damage, or they need to fund an assisted living home or home help and it turns out that their house isnt sellable or habitable. Then the problem will be all yours to deal with.

This would enrage me, OP. My own mum's next big birthday will be 100, and her home is in excellent shape because she keeps on top of things.

If there's any hint that they are living in a dangerous dwelling or an eyesore, can you get the council to ticket them for some local infraction?

Had exactly the same scenario with my father.
Only he didn't do maintenance when he was working, and when he retired on less money, the funds weren't there to do the work.
He's elderly now and had serious health issue and it was touch and go about whether he could return home. The condition of the house was also part of the decision. It was marginal but he really wanted to be home.
It's not comfortable for family to stay in, and as we have to come and care for him at times, it makes it very hard.
If you haven't been in this situation, it's hard to convey how worrying it is.

YYY to this.