Lord help me, a child with no manners is around for a sleepover

[Rainallnight]

Good friend of DD is over on a sleepover. Both going on 8. There hasn’t been a single please or thank you from the friend. I am probably being unreasonable (hence not posting in AIBU!) but I find it very grating and it’s going to get on my nerves all the through.

Just needed to get that off my chest!

Oh dear.

You really can't cope with an 8 year old who doesn't say please and thank you?

You've obviosuly labelled the child as "bad" - but have you tried engaging with her and just setting down some ground rules?

The worst outcome is that the child won't want to come to your house any more.

This is very well put and has made me think.

@RicePuddingWithCinnamon That is absolutely horrendous behaviour. What an entitled brat.

I used to work in a school sixth form and am aware that many children just haven’t been taught to say please and thankyou. I also observed how embarrassed they were if other staff pulled them up in front of their mates. So if they asked me for say, a copy of their timetable, I would hand it to them and say “is that ok” with a big smile and they would invariably reply with “thanks”. I’d reply with “you’re welcome, anytime” with a big smile. Or I might ask then a question like “have u seen Mr ? On your way here”. When they replied I’d say ok, thanks. I found just showing them by example and actively looking for opportunities to engage and chat taught them how people can be pleasant, polite and helpful. For example at exam times, I’d often pop into the common room and ask if anyone needed anything, copy of exam timetable, pencil, ruler, protractor, tissues for the hayfever etc and often they were really grateful and when they returned the item I’d thank them.

Some children have such dreadful home lives, including children from middle class homes whose parents were often absent or working late and barely engaged with their children.

Gently correct them in your own home. it diesnt have to be confrontational. You'll probably be doing them a favour in teaching some manners that yhe parents evidently haven't

Many countries don't use please so much like in the UK. When I go to my country and start saying Please, Thank and Sorry all the time people think I've gone mad. Please is usually used when you are asking an actual favor, Sorry for a real apologies for example if you step on someone's foot , not for brushing lightly against someone's sleeve on the train 😂Intonation and how you use the verbs are used instead to imply your feelings

Yes it really isn’t so important as to be worth upsetting a child over. It can grate but so what really.

When in Rome...

I work in a deli and the amount of adults who don't say please or thank you and snatch out of your hand is shocking!

That is so true. I helped out the young adult son of an acquaintance (not born in this country) as requested several times and never got please or thank you. He was very brusque eg "lend me that book now". Then I heard that he could not get accepted to do his architectural Part 2 (working in an architectural firm for a while before awarded his degree in architecture) because no firm would agree to take him on. They probably weren't impressed with his lack of manners.

I don’t know how you got all this from my post. I said it was irritating - not that I couldn’t cope

Anyway, this is such an interesting discussion. Such different views

I think in fairness you said nothing of the sort but then people leapt in to say you must absolutely give them the “ in THIS house “ treatment and it gets blurred in everyone’s mind …

Start asking them to do small things for you and saying please and then saying thank you when they do it. I find that showing behavior works well. They could also be shy. When I was younger, I had a hard time talking which led to me not saying thank you when I knew I should and then feeling like I couldn't say it later because it was too late. Or I would say it so low that people couldn't hear me.

Because its not fair on the child to let them go forth never being taught social conventions and how to get along in life. They're going to piss off an inordinate amount of people.

'Please' and 'thank you' make a massive difference and its not hard to learn when to use them.

They're often among the first words one learns in a foreign language, too.

This is not OP’s child!!

Yes I think shyness is often the problem. Sometimes children can appear to be a bit OTT when in fact they are really quite shy.

Indeed.

A few years ago a foreigner held the door for me at Boots. I know with my knowingness that he was Eastern European. I said, "Thank you", and he said, "You're welcome." I don't know whether he'd cottoned on or been taught it in a class but it helped international relations along very nicely.

Well there’s your answer then.

One of the first rules of etiquette is mind your own manners and don’t correct other people’s.

There are exceptions to this if danger is involved or if you are responsible for the child’s upbringing. Having a child as a guest does not mean you assume that responsibility.

They exist and do use them when social convention requires them in Germany. However the social convention of how often you would use them is not the same. I’m half German and despite that, I still got the mickey taken out of me when I stayed with a host family for being too ‘polite’ (they meant uptight and prim 😂).

If a child has been failed by their caregivers to be taught basic, simple manners, then it's everyone's responsibility to help them learn. That's how communities work.

'Etiquette' and 'manners' are not about rules, per se, they're about helping people to live comfortably together.

This is such a British thread! In Europe, you just don’t say please and thank you so much. In a bar in Spain, for example, you’d say ‘Give me…..’ rather than ‘Glass of wine, please’ or ‘Can I have a glass of wine, please’ or whatever variation.

I think how communities really work is by accepting others for who they are, being tolerant of the fact we will have differences in the way we have been brought up and they way we behave, dress, speak and live. It’s about accepting that Bob down the road has bad grammar and Rosemary round the corner might think yours is a bit off but isn’t going to shame you for it.

I do agree that communities can have a role in stepping in where real help is needed with children; but let’s not be disingenuous about the motivation behind a lot of the comments on this thread. The phrase “in this house“ says it all. It’s about lording it over a child that you think you’ve done a better job of parenting than they have had. It’s competitive flexing when their parents aren’t there and they are at their most vulnerable to that ( your house, your rules etc). It’s about the irritation that not being thanked can cause - and it does irritate because it feels nice to be appreciated and treated with respect. But it really isn’t about long term community-minded improvement. And if it really is, keep asking them back and let them absorb by osmosis by watching your dc. But don’t call them out and shame them.