My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation

[Pistachiovillian]

I've had the lodger about 3 months now.

I had some expensive foundation that I'd been saving as a gift to give to someone as I seldom wear it. It wasn't with my other make-up, that's all in the bathroom-it was still in its box, in the kitchen along with some other little bits I've saved up. It has been there for months.

Yesterday morning when I got up she'd already left the house and the bottle was in the bathroom near the mirror, where I'd normally put my make-up on and had obviously been used.

Last night I found the crumpled-up box on the stairs to her room.

I know It's 'just' a bottle of foundation. But it was expensive foundation (about £50 worth) that I'd felt I didn't want to just use myself. She'd have known it was expensive too.

It was obviously not with my other make-up, which I may have not been bothered if she'd used-I do have some foundation in the bathroom, obviously half-used, that she could have used as I do wear it occasionally and I'd have probably not even noticed that!

For what It's worth, I do have a bit of an issue with dealing with this sort of thing, confronting people, I never know how annoyed I am supposed to be! Childhood issue.

I do feel disrespected though. I'd never take something of someone else's without asking unless I 100% knew that they'd be okay with it! And if she's taken that, what else might she take going forward?

What would you feel about this? And do?

I realise this. I am curious as to what she'll say but none of it will make her not a thief.

I hope she says she'll replace it

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Have you messaged her yet OP?

If I don't give her notice I see myself being very wary of leaving anything of any value at all hanging about now.

I think that will absolutely be the case and you don't want to feel like that in your own home.

Remove this thief from your home asap.

Put a lock on your bedroom door asap for this lodger and any future ones. Carry the key on your person at all times.

What did your message say?

I guess in the same way you typed your message and thought "oh that doesn't sound like I'm being c**t"

It is theft, therefore the police would be interested.

I've had a lot of lodgers and I'd find this completely unacceptable. We have a lodger now and I leave all sorts of things in the (few) shared areas and I expect them all to be exactly where I left them weeks or months later. Leaving the crumpled box on the stairs is also a massive sign of disrespect.
Due to having lodgers I have had to grow quite a strong backbone. I used to worry about having to have serious conversations with them, but I now don't worry much about it. It's a business relationship after all. I would be giving marching orders for this because there has to be trust as an absolute minimum in this setting. A bit of untidiness is annoying but manageable, taking your things is cheeky AF...what will she take next?

I said;

"Lodger, that foundation you've taken was meant to be for a gift. Can you replace it as soon as possible please'.

She hasn't looked at the message yet but she's due to finish work soon.

I wouldn't be happy to live with a thief.

That's a good strong message.

I wanted to see what she said, but yes I am still not happy to live with a thief.

She's responded, and seems to think It's no big deal at all.

" Hiya, I borrowed it as I’d run out off foundation I’ll bring it back up forgot to mention only used it once sorry about that!X"

By 'bring it back up' she refers to the fact that her bedroom is on a lower floor of the house to the bathroom and communal areas.

She's obviously thinking she'd put it in her room, rather than left it in the communal bathroom for me to find. This makes me suspicious that she was just going to keep it in her bedroom and hope I'd not notice, and that I'd just noticed that it was missing from the kitchen, rather than seen it with my own eyes in the bathroom.

'As I said, it was a gift so I'll need you to replace it and GTFO of my house'

So she expects you to now give a half used foundation as a present?! That message makes me think she has absolutely no intention of buying you a replacement...

Ask her to replace the item with a new unopened tube/bottle by the end of the week. Proof of purchase will be required to show it’s not a fake version. As soon as you get the item replaced then give her notice to leave.

Well I hope you reply that that's pointless because you can't now give it as a gift since it's been opened so she needs to replace it.

Cheeky bitch she is! She steals your stuff and then tries to brazen it out while completely ignoring that you told her it was a gift? I’d be searching her room for more of your stuff before she gets home and tell her she’s got until the weekend to move out.

You can’t have someone you don’t trust living in your home.

Give her notice OP. She isn’t somebody you can share accommodation with.

She is going to say it was already open or she thought it was open.

Be firm. You want her to replace it. She isn’t trustworthy. Do not give her a reference.

“Obviously I can’t now give as a gift, which was my intention, so you might as well keep it, but I need you to reimburse me for it or get a replacement. Thanks”

I would reply, "Lodger, as I mentioned, the foundation was for a gift so I will need you to replace it with the exact same item." And give a time frame, I would say by Friday, but you probably know her work schedule and would know if this is feasible.

"I can't give an opened bottle as a gift, I'm sure you realise that! We'll have to have a discussion about why you thought it was okay to do that in the first place at a later date, but in the mean time the least you can do is replace it with a new one asap."

I'd also be searching her room asking her if she has also "borrowed" the missing kitchen items and the dog bowls.

I'd also ask her to leave OP. It doesn't sound like she respects your belongings and you need to be able to feel your home is safe c

Also OP - I think it's worth reflecting on why your immediate instinct was to focus on the location issue rather than being outraged that she's proposing not to replace what she stole.

I know you know this, but you need to work on your boundaries and that's a really good example!