Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

There are but the DGP need to prove significant involvement in the child's life.

If 2 nights a week in his house every week from age 1 isn't significant I don't know what is

Unfortunately none of us can say whether it's any safe guarding risk or not.

I would think it's a strange set up though to not have the child on the fun days of the week ie the weekend

It is valid for the op to be concerned. About 90%of reported sexual abuse is male perpetrators and of that around 80% is girls being abused. Add in that a third of sexual abuse is committed by a family member.

It's a long time for a non parent adult to be in charge of a young child and it's strange that parents would facilitate this which would make me concerned that this person has manipulated the situation. It's not a typical thing for neither parent to see a young child all weekend when you are not working .

The fact he lives alone, and previously lived with his mother. Has he ever lived with a partner ?. How well does your sister know him. Did she meet her partners mum?

Have you spoken to your sister about the arrangement, expressed you find her dd being awol all weekend strange? (without accusations)

@nb2023

' It's true that I leave my children alone with their father, but we're generally in the same house. '

' but we're generally in the same house. '

why did you need to explain that bit ?

I think by adding that bit says a lot more about your thoughts on men and young children.

The other child is going to the maternal grandmother's though. There's no indication one child is being singled out?

Speaking as a grandfather, no I do not.

The sister and her partner are neglecting to fully parent both the children then? Great.

OP said they have mini breaks away at weekends sometimes. Breaks away from what exactly? Yes I am judging.

Oh come now. If they work during the week, they’re not looking after their daughter then. Then at the weekend they’re not looking after her either? Every weekend? Not just to give them both an occasional break? That’s terrible, selfish parenting. Or lack of parenting, I should say. And I’m judging mother and father equally.

Wow you want to raise safeguarding concerns on the basis of absolutely nothing 🤯🤯 the world has gone mad!!!

Sounds to me that the biggest risk to your niece's well-being is from your sister her partner who are putting their own selfish needs above hers. What kind of parent ships off their child every weekend so they can go swimming and sleep?

Also, you wouldn't be posting this if it was a grandmother she was going to....

I'm more concerned that your sister doesn't seem to want to look after her own children... ever!

Where is your nieces father @nb2023 why doesn’t he have daughter at the weekend?

Why would he be sexually dysfunctional because he lived with his mother? Plenty of people live with elderly parents, my mum did . It doesn't mean she's sexually dysfunctional

it seems the mum spends the weekend with one child and not the other. The one she spends time with is the child of her current partner. That’s so unfair to your niece @nb2023

Are you concerned about all the time your nephew spends with your mother then?

No, the mum and partner have arranged their life to have child free weekends as far as I can make out.

The older child , 8yo boy, who is NC with their father goes to OPs mother (their grandmother) every weekend.

The younger child who is 3, and living with both parents goes to her grandfather every weekend, and he also does some nursery pick ups during the week as well.

I don’t agree. As long as the child is getting their needs met, it doesn’t need to be the parents (most people mean mother here) meeting them.

It’s not selfish to have needs of your own when you’re a parent; you don’t stop being a person because you’re a parent. In most cases this will be when someone is in peak health etc and they’re expected to forego all needs for the 20 years after becoming a parent.

The parents in this case work during the week. We don’t know how well the 3 year old sleeps or whether there are any additional health needs for the parents. For all we know there may be depression or burn out from mentally taxing jobs.

if they’re spending some family time in the evenings Mon-Thurs, and having time on Sunday too. I think that’s not awful tbh.

This modern fixation with the nuclear family unit, and “making memories” has to be one (of many) reasons for the falling birth rate. Parenting is hard. Expectations of what good parenting is have rocketed at the same time that both parents are juggling careers, and numerous other societal expectations.

People live differently. In the same way some people think it’s ‘weird’ to not spend weekends with your children, I wouldn’t choose to set children the example of a mother without financial independence and outside interests. But horses for courses, right?

It frustrates me that people aren't able to read.

I thought I had explained it clearly in my posts, but maybe I haven't?

My sister:

• 1st child, 8 year old boy, with exhusband. He spends most weekends with my mother.

-2nd child, almost 3 year old with current partner: she spends every single weekend (started when she was very small) with her paternal grandfather.

have you ever asked your sister does she not like spending time with her daughter ? I get an odd weekend etc but i am sorry every weekend when do that spend time as a family ? Do they go on holidays together ?

My late dad had my twins every Saturday night until a few weeks before he suddenly died. He loved spending time with them and they loved spending time with him. Nothing weird at all, just family loving each other.

We can read, OP.

What we're baffled about is why you seem to object to a grandparents spending so much time with their grandchild and NOT about your sisters awful, neglectful, parenting.

I did not say he definitely is sexually dysfunctional. I said "there is reason to suppose that he might be". That's a lot of hedging language. I have been careful not to be definite about many things in my posts, because I, like all of us, don't actually know.

Why does your sister not want to spend any weekend with her children?

Have you also ‘cautiously’ raised concerns about your nephew spending most weekends with his maternal grandmother? Or is it just men that spend time with their grandchildren that’s a safeguarding issue?

Effectively what your saying is it's okay to farm out your kids just like to boarding school. Most people wouldn't agree including quite a few pupils.