Ukrainian house guest doesn't want to leave!

[reallyneedmoresleep]

We've had a Ukrainian house guest for the last six months via the Homes for Ukraine scheme. When she came to live with us, we said it would be for a six month period and at the last welfare check we confirmed that she would need to move out by mid-May.
She doesn't want to leave. She has asked several times if she can stay, we have said no. She says our house is much nicer than where she can afford to move to.

I have visited estate agents with her who advise that to rent privately, she either needs a guarantor (we are not prepared to do this) or to pay six month's rent plus the deposit up front. She cannot afford this.

What do we do?

I know the situation in Ukraine is appallling and I am writing from a position of immense priveledge but we have found it really difficult having someone else in our home. She is not an easy person to be around, does not work, has refused all offers to be taken to support groups and frequently just hangs around us when we are in the house when we are trying to work or just to chill. Our son is home from uni in a couple of weeks and we need the room back.

There has been radio silence from the council Homes for Ukraine scheme.
How can I help her to move on?

This will sound awful but this is precisely why we decided not to host in the end. With this government in charge, we could see this problem down the line.

Dh and I did say at the start of all this “house a Ukrainian” scheme that it sounded like a bad idea. It was obvious the war was going to be dragging on for years and these refugees wouldn’t be able to return home.

Did people think the government would just pull a council house out of their arses after 6 months when there aren’t enough to go around anyway?

You’ve tried to do a nice thing op but sorry - I think people like you who got involved in this ill thought out idea have been rather naive. It was pretty obvious this was going to happen in a lot of cases.

I also think a lot of people were keen to virtue signal that they were housing a Ukrainian - but didn’t have any intentions of helping them long term. It’s my understanding that the government always said this would be at the personal risk of the people who opened their homes - there was never any promise to house them from the government.

It’s a horrible situation all round.

We had this with my mum's guests. Mum was told it was a woman and teen daughter but when they came it was two teens, so the took two rooms in mum's house rather than one (though I personally felt the 13yo girl should not have been shady with her mother anyway).

They treated the house like a hostel, lolling around all over the place, leaving food and rubbish out all the time, weirdly cooking about twelve meals a day, yelling at people on Face Time and playing computer games and loud YouTube videos. They had been in the UK nearly a year when they came to mum yet the mother had learnt zero English let alone looked into getting a job. She just lazed around all day internet shopping.

Mum got ill and I knew she'd never be able to return home to that. It was horrible for me having to go and stay there when mum was touch and go.

So I officially evicted them. I got HfU, the council housing team and local councillors involved. I gave them a date and said if they weren't gone then I'd be changing the locks and calling the police. It was when I copied in the council leaders that action happened. It was extremely stressful. But I was very glad I stuck to my guns because mum did come home for a few weeks and she needed carers four times a day and she could not have coped if they had been there.

Sadly she went back into hospital and died, but I was glad I had at least managed to remove that stress for her.

I don’t deny there are disparities. It’s your nastiness I don’t like.

Im afraid, perhaps some hosts were impressed by the thought of financial gain.

If anything, it cost me money (that I don’t begrudge one bit).

Controversial I know but she can return to Ukraine. Parts of the country are untouched by the war.

It definitely cost my mum money. She didn't need any extra income but she definitely didn't gain from it, and almost certainly lost out overall.

But the ‘none white’ refugees, as you put it, are being very well looked after, mostly in hotels, with their own rooms (no house sharing like the Ukrainians) The Ukrainian people were from a war affected country, and offered refuge because of this. Others travelling through safe countries to reach our country (the ones you’re presumably referring to) - we have no idea where most of them are from, and therefore it’s obviously appropriate to not place these people in other peoples homes. If you can’t see the difference, then I really do feel sorry for you. Why are you derailing this thread, when OP is specifically looking for advice on problems she is experiencing with a Ukrainian family placement, but instead of advice, you’re chastising her, and other people like her, for not taking in someone from God knows where?? Have you offered to take anyone in, whatever their colour or country of Origin?

It's a phrase i say again and again.

You try and be nice, and this is the thanks you get.

Why did they not relocate internally in the first place, unless they had contacts overseas already? Like British children during WWlI. It would be starting over in a new place but same language, schooling system, culture, qualifications recognised.

Im sure many people offering this were genuine. I know a few, large properties, empty nesters or a couple who wanted to help. I do know of some who were taken in by the idea of funds. If you recall, it was right at the sam etime many people were fearful about heating bills.

Ill thought out by government. The little people suffer.

When British children were evacuated at the start of WWII, it was to get them out of the reach of German air raids, not German occupying forces. Until a miracle happened and the invading Russian columns were stopped on the road to Kyiv, the most likely scenario in the first week was a rapid Russian victory, which would have led to murdering, raping, and deportations on a scale not seen in Europe for a very long time. As it is, tens of thousands of Ukrainian children have been kidnapped to Russia and are now being "re-educated".

Do you ever watch the news?

Because in the first few weeks of the war, there were attacks everywhere and the Russians were pushing on Kyiv. So most of them fled early on. As the war progressed and the Russians failed to topple Kyiv, the fighting is now focussed on the East and the Ukrainians in the occupied areas are mostly trapped. There are still sporadic attacks in the West, but far fewer than earlier in the war. Nowhere is completely safe.

We took in a family of 5, hosted them for 14 months until (through a LOT of effort) we found them a house at LHA rates. We took them in because DH and I are of Eastern European heritage, and feel that if we refused to help we'd be hypocrites saying the UK should help Ukraine.

We haven't hosted Afghans, because their way of life/cultural norms are so different to ours. We are familiar with Eastern European traditions and culture, we share a religion. Even though there are huge differences (child raising, gender roles) between us, we worked through it, and believe we as a family have been enriched by our Ukrainian friends and their way of life.

I would never, ever host single refugee men (who make up the vast majority of refugees where I live) because I'd be afraid, for me and for my DC. A family with 3 DC of their own are a far lower risk profile.

I'm not ashamed that I am not comfortable offering a home to people from a vastly different culture to mine, if you think that's racist then fire away; although I'd also like you to tell me how many refugees you and your small children have hosted in your home.

Parts of the country are most definitely safe to live in. A Ukrainian friend of a friend, who lives out of the country for work reasons, travels back on a regular basis to see family and has bought a number of rental properties there in the last couple of years.

I don’t agree.

Police won’t get her out- Trespassing isn’t a criminal offence.
However neither can she legally “squat” in someone’s home.

She HAS to go.

She’s being a leech.

Mum made noises about hosting ( nice cottage in lovely part of London) but was advised not to for precisely this reason- once dug in, lodgers may not want to move on if the area or house is nice.

It’s time for her to move, @reallyneedmoresleep No more taking advantage of your good nature.

That refugee scheme was so badly thought out.

No.
Why not spend some of the magic fairy dust money on our own homeless or care leavers or elderly and disabled?
This sense of entitlement is horrible. We don't owe the Ukranians anything.

A lazy freeloader in other words.

My guest was toying with the idea of going back because her area was safe and she was terribly homesick and missing her Mum. Then there was an attack out of nowhere, her apartment had the windows blown out. People in her street were killed, including a six year old girl whose mother also had her leg blown off as she was walking her daughter to school.

Yup. A leech.
Dug in like a tick on the head of a dog, wanting a free ride.
Russian teacher?
zero call for those in villages.

Mixed bag.

My parents have a few spare properties and hosted Ukrainians in two of them. Separate living, not house-sharing. Dad also covered all utilities for them.

One family was brilliant, hardworking, polite, lovely. They found jobs quickly and are still staying in dad's property, paying rent now. No issues with them.

The other one was a single mother with a child. No issues at first, but then the neighbors started phoning my dad and complaining. Constant noise, parties till the early hours, multiple men coming and going, loud music, shouting/shrieking, smoking in the communal areas, the lot. Dad simply phoned the police and kicked her out. Would that be an option for you, OP? Admittedly, my families' situation wasn't happening in the UK, but maybe police would assist you in the UK too?

Ah, forgot to add, she completely trashed the place.

But the cherry on a cake was the third woman. Her daughter was a pupil of my mum's (mum's a secondary teacher). She was welcomed with open arms, mum kitted her out, bought her clothing, fancy backpack, books, games, treats. All other kids were lovely, tried to learn Ukrainian to speak with her, taught her local language, took her everywhere, showed and explained her everything. Also brought treats, homemade cakes, etc. Had a party to welcome her. Took her to the amusement park. All was lovely.

One day the girl just disappeared. School told my mum to phone her mum. Mum did, couldn't reach her. Eventually, after about a week, girl's mum got back to mine to inform her that they left the country, because everything was shit, their welcome was shit, the country is shit and poor (it isn't), not enough financial benefits, yadda yadda. They went to Norway to live with relatives (could have done that in the first place..). Yep, my home country is obv not as rich as Norway, but it's not shit, and we really did try and welcome them as warmly as possible. A kick in the teeth.

Gah, sorry for the essay!