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Original poster

DP has been watching porn and I feel VERY unsettled by it.

130 replies

Bunbum · 18/04/2024 22:29

He was on his phone tonight and opened up a new tab on the google app, I glanced over and saw that one of the tabs was a porn site.

I have to hold my hands up to this next bit because I know this is wrong and it is something I never do but… when he went to have a shower I looked on his phone just to be sure that I hadn’t got it wrong and there it was…. a bloody porn site.

Is it normal that I almost feel numb and like he has just cheated on me?!

I hate the idea that he is staring and getting off over another woman’s body.

What do I do now?! Get over it? Say something?

We have young children and I have to admit our sex life has taken a massive backstep since becoming parents. Plus I just don’t have much time for self care/maintenance these days… but I never thought he was watching porn…

OP posts:
Namechanged4today · 18/04/2024 22:42

You could be a 10 and he'd still look at porn. It's the dopamine hit that is never satisfied in some men.

Whoareye · 18/04/2024 22:44

I would feel totally disgusted and repelled if I had found my DH watching porn. I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who did.
You need to talk to your DP about it and tell him how it makes you feel.

RubyGemStone · 18/04/2024 22:48

Would be shocked if this was a new thing. Unless you're going to say he's in his 60s, I'd expect he's been doing this since the inception of your relationship.

It's a personal thing, some women care and some don't, but as you seem to, you're going to have to talk to him about it.

W0rkerBee · 18/04/2024 22:50

Massive turn off in my opinion, I couldn't feel sexual about a man who was looking at porn. So GET TURNED OFF is my advice. Maybe he won't care. some porn addict men don't care about real sex with their girlfriend/wife..

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:15

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

This isn't cheating. Your husband sleeping with another woman would be cheating. Here there is nothing emotional, just purely stimulation.

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:17

W0rkerBee · 18/04/2024 22:50

Massive turn off in my opinion, I couldn't feel sexual about a man who was looking at porn. So GET TURNED OFF is my advice. Maybe he won't care. some porn addict men don't care about real sex with their girlfriend/wife..

Yeah, turn your husband away, that'll be sure to fix it!

renthead · 18/04/2024 23:17

i don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

There are people who still think porn is "harmless"?

Nicknacky · 18/04/2024 23:18

W0rkerBee · 18/04/2024 22:50

Massive turn off in my opinion, I couldn't feel sexual about a man who was looking at porn. So GET TURNED OFF is my advice. Maybe he won't care. some porn addict men don't care about real sex with their girlfriend/wife..

And how will this help?

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:19

renthead · 18/04/2024 23:17

i don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

There are people who still think porn is "harmless"?

Harmless in the grand scheme of the relationship in moderation. Of course, pornography has its downsides; however, to relieve sexual energy when your partner isn't feeling it in the moment, yes, that's fine.

ButterflyKu · 18/04/2024 23:20

You can tell him how you feel but seeing as he’s a grown adult, you can’t force him to stop watching it. You can only make the choice of whether you’d like to stay or not.

I don’t care if a partner of mine watches porn but we all have different boundaries

pinkdelight · 18/04/2024 23:33

You feel how you feel but he could be thinking about other women's bodies and being aroused by that regardless of porn. I get off thinking about men other than my DH and I don't think of that as cheating at all. There's no rule that says we can only find one human being attractive or else it's cheating. So your take feels extreme to me, but each to their own. Presumably he knew your views on porn and vice versa or is this the first time it's ever come up? All you can do is have the conversation and assert your boundaries but they may not prove compatible.

ColourMeBlue · 18/04/2024 23:38

My husband watches porn.It doesn't bother me really.Our sex life has taken a back seat lately.He is still the same man I fell in love with.Its not a massive part of his life either.Maybe 10 minutes here and then.We are open and honest about it.He gets a bit of 'alone time' and it doesn't affect us,or our relationship in any way

Delphina17 · 19/04/2024 00:07

It's just a fantasy OP. I watch porn too occasionally and a considerable proportion of women also do. It's nothing more than a fantasy.

It's like you watching a romance film/reading romance books and your partner feeling like you can't be satisfied with your relationship because of it.

W0rkerBee · 19/04/2024 07:37

Nicknacky · 18/04/2024 23:18

And how will this help?

Show quote history

What a strange question.
The op's husband can get turned on by anything and anyone so long as it's not her, but she can't get turned off ?
Ridiculous.
And, she is turned off, but feeling pressure to pretend she isn't, in a world where porn lovers are encouraged to believe porn is harmless and their partner is cray zee

PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 19/04/2024 08:10

Whoareye · 18/04/2024 22:44

I would feel totally disgusted and repelled if I had found my DH watching porn. I couldn't be in a relationship with anyone who did.
You need to talk to your DP about it and tell him how it makes you feel.

So you'll never have a relationship then. All men watch porn. Those that say they don't are liars.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 19/04/2024 08:16

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:15

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

This isn't cheating. Your husband sleeping with another woman would be cheating. Here there is nothing emotional, just purely stimulation.

It’s not harmless to the 1000’s of poor bastards who are sex trafficked and enslaved every year for fucks sake. These disgusting men who wank over porn are financing it.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 19/04/2024 08:19

renthead · 18/04/2024 23:17

i don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

There are people who still think porn is "harmless"?

I know. Do they never spare a thought for people in these films?

DaisyChain505 · 19/04/2024 08:25

Anyone thinking their other half doesn’t watch porn is majorly deluded and in denial.

PaperStarred · 19/04/2024 08:34

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:15

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. If your sex life has taken a back seat, your husband is entitled to relieve himself as it's harmless.

This isn't cheating. Your husband sleeping with another woman would be cheating. Here there is nothing emotional, just purely stimulation.

It’s not remotely ‘harmless’. Anyone who consumes porn is contributing to an industry which exploits and traffics women, and which normalises violent behaviour Nader the guise of sex.

Wonderwater2 · 19/04/2024 08:35

The reality is that on mumsnet you'll get a very strong reaction against porn which isn't generally in keeping with attitudes more widely

Porn use is incredibly wide spread.

It's up to you how you feel about it, but you'll get lots of people saying it's a complete deal breaker, whilst in reality most of the population is accessing it regularly

More people have watched Pornhub online this month then netflix in the UK and there were more visitors to just 3 porn sites in the uk than there were for the whole of Wikipedia.

It doesn't mean you have to feel any kind of way about it, but it's helpful to contextualise it. For example a vegan may only want to date a vegan because it fits their moral views as is their right but if the comments are from other vegans you'll get a distorted view

GoodnightAdeline · 19/04/2024 08:37

PenelopeTitsdrop1990 · 19/04/2024 08:10

So you'll never have a relationship then. All men watch porn. Those that say they don't are liars.

Show quote history

Agree

StarlightLady · 19/04/2024 08:41

pinkdelight · 18/04/2024 23:33

You feel how you feel but he could be thinking about other women's bodies and being aroused by that regardless of porn. I get off thinking about men other than my DH and I don't think of that as cheating at all. There's no rule that says we can only find one human being attractive or else it's cheating. So your take feels extreme to me, but each to their own. Presumably he knew your views on porn and vice versa or is this the first time it's ever come up? All you can do is have the conversation and assert your boundaries but they may not prove compatible.

This!

And for those concerned about trafficking etc, that is a far wider issue that goes beyond porn. Plus there is home made porn available.

Cosycover · 19/04/2024 08:44

I think what people do privately is just that. Private.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 19/04/2024 08:44

Is this a conversation you've had before?

As in, you've told him you don't like the idea and it makes you feel the same as cheating?

If not, there's not much you can do but have the chat now and see what he says.

If you have, and he's said he's not do it but then gone ahead and watched then that's a bigger conversation

Cosycover · 19/04/2024 08:45

DaisyChain505 · 19/04/2024 08:25

Anyone thinking their other half doesn’t watch porn is majorly deluded and in denial.

It astounds me how anyone can think a man doesn't watch porn.

Unless he is asexual, he watches porn. Simple as that.