DP has been watching porn and I feel VERY unsettled by it.

[Bunbum]

He was on his phone tonight and opened up a new tab on the google app, I glanced over and saw that one of the tabs was a porn site.

I have to hold my hands up to this next bit because I know this is wrong and it is something I never do but… when he went to have a shower I looked on his phone just to be sure that I hadn’t got it wrong and there it was…. a bloody porn site.

Is it normal that I almost feel numb and like he has just cheated on me?!

I hate the idea that he is staring and getting off over another woman’s body.

What do I do now?! Get over it? Say something?

We have young children and I have to admit our sex life has taken a massive backstep since becoming parents. Plus I just don’t have much time for self care/maintenance these days… but I never thought he was watching porn…

Yeah, if women using vibrators routinely got off to images of men being violently anally penetrated and choked.

What? The OP literally said "I have to admit our sex life has taken a massive backstep since becoming parents. Plus I just don’t have much time for self care/maintenance these days".

Good grief. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Is OP’s other half watching videos of choking and violent anal?

Why? Does she need to communicate with him every time she wants to do something to check he's okay with it? Of course not, that's utter controlling nonsense.

I've used both, and both can desensitise you.

Too much vibrator = hand feels like nothing, having to sand away all night to get there.

Using porn to orgasm = brain associates orgasm with porn.

So they are similar in that sense.

I love having sex with my partner but unfortunately being a mum of two little ones, i’m just simply not in the mood the vast majority of the time

she loves having sex with him but having two littles ones means she is not always up for it

she even said she will try…

you said she doesn’t want to engage….she does, she’s just knackered

I also might have to make a bit more of an effort

Because its not the same

as other posters have said women also watch porn…

"I’m just simply not in the mood the vast majority of the time" - so she doesn't want sex. Why is that so difficult to understand?

You said she doesn’t want to engage

someone who loves to have sex with her husband wants to engage…she is too tired

i don’t understand why you don’t understand so we probably ought to leave it there

Dh always wants sex, but quite often he is too knackered 😀

@BristolBloke but it's not popping out to the shop to get some bread is it? It's looking at other women naked behind your wife's back. If any guy actually asked their wife if they're ok with it, especially postpartum, most women would likely say it makes them uncomfortable. But they don't want to ask or make it clear to their wives because they would rather keep it secret and therefore justify it to themselves. You can call it controlling all you like but men like you will likely one day just be left single with their hand and their phone.

Don’t forget about her checking his phone

Doesn't bother me at all, never did post partum or when pregnant (weren't allowed to have sex because of placenta being low) I watch it myself 🤷‍♀️

Sorry op but to think he never looks at porn is naive.

Yup.

It's not in the slightest unusual.

It can be turned into a positive too to aid a relationship, watch together. That is quite a normal thing to do too, I'd be asking him to focus his watching it with me.

Always find it amusing on here just how disgusting male masturbation is viewed as being. For women it's perfectly fine and natural though.

A few points.
First, is your reaction unreasonable? Yes. Not to dislike him using it but to see it as the same a cheating, that is unreasonable.
It is fine to feel many things about that but to see it as something it is not is not a good point.
Secondly, do you know what it is that bothers you?
a) Is it a moral objection to porn?
b) Is it that it is making you feel insecure (hence your comments about sex life and being out of shape)?
c) Is it that you have previously expressed a strong dislike of people using porn and he agreed not to?
If it is a) you need to have a discussion, if it is c) there is a wider issue.
However, if it is b) ask your self would it be different if he was masturbating while thinking of other women? Is any masturbation unacceptable? That is getting in to unreasonable territory. Does it help to know if you are both in the normal ranges of sexual desire he will have a much higher sex drive than you? You being in less good shape than you want is not going to be the cause, he will still want you but will just want sex far more than is practical? If you think you want your sex life to return to closer to where it was that is something you can think about working towards but thinking you will ever stop your husband being attracted to other women and masturbating is just not realistic.
Cheating is so much worse, because even if you don’t like that he is attracted to other women too and he masturbates, him not acting on that is important. If he acted on attraction to other women that would be far worse.

Men like me? You mean men who hate controlling behaviour? Yeah, okay. 🙄

Does this apply to all aspects of life?

If a wife objects to a genre of film someone watches does he have to check first that she is ok? "Is this violent film ok?" "Is this Horror Film acceptable?" What about if he imagined a certain actress when masturbating? Should he check in before he watched a film with her in?

How about genre's of music? People have been objecting to them since time began, rock n' roll, heavy metal, gangster rap. Should each spouse check in before these are listened too?

Computer games? As with films and music.

There are legitimate concerns that people can have about porn and its use, but expecting people to get "permission" from their partners for legal activity as a default is just odd. In this case it appears the concern is not primarily driven by a moral objection anyway so the conversation should be focused on what the issue is for the OP.

@PaperStarred may have just given us more information on her consumption habits than she intended...

Two sides to everything I think, but the main issue is communication ❤
My husband doesn't, but my best friends husband does, she watches it aswell actually 🙈 she said if she's knackered, she tells him too xx

I know most people say that all men watch porn, and maybe that's true, but I just don't understand why they feel a need if they're in a relationship, getting enough sex, with a woman they're attracted to.

Because it's such a nice thing to do, looking at videos/images of other naked women (most likely all airbrushed and edited too, not that that bothers men) secretly behind their girlfriend's back.