DP has been watching porn and I feel VERY unsettled by it.

[Bunbum]

He was on his phone tonight and opened up a new tab on the google app, I glanced over and saw that one of the tabs was a porn site.

I have to hold my hands up to this next bit because I know this is wrong and it is something I never do but… when he went to have a shower I looked on his phone just to be sure that I hadn’t got it wrong and there it was…. a bloody porn site.

Is it normal that I almost feel numb and like he has just cheated on me?!

I hate the idea that he is staring and getting off over another woman’s body.

What do I do now?! Get over it? Say something?

We have young children and I have to admit our sex life has taken a massive backstep since becoming parents. Plus I just don’t have much time for self care/maintenance these days… but I never thought he was watching porn…

There are women on here year after year who read books, watch porn, buy love honey merchandise. No-one blinks

well its the porn people on here are talking about and I think those people who have an issue with porn don’t care who is watching it…

Porn is highly problematic because of the abuse that is endemic in the industry. HOWEVER the urge to watch other people having sex and masturbate to it is very natural urge - there is a whole phenomenon relating to how and why people enjoy watching other people do pleasurable stuff - sex, eating, getting a massage etc. being upset because your husband, who isn't having sex with you, is masturbating to other people having sex is a hiding to nothing and avoiding the real issue IMO.

Of course they can. But demanding the DH stops watching it is bang out of order.

They certainly do not.

I quite clearly said she can not ask him to stop watching it. I don't think anyone on this thread said she should demand /ask her dh to stop watching it.
Why is it the pro porn posters are so predictable? All men watch porn. Those who say they don't are liars etc.
If anyone dares to put forward an opposite opinion then they are told they are controlling. Any post that isnt pro porn is seemingly deliberately misconstrued eg you implying op has been told to demand her dh stops watching porn. She has not been told that.
I've seen this on lots of threads where some poor op distraught over her partners porn use is targeted by the pro porn lobby on the site and made to feel abnormal because of her own feelings.
There are plenty of people who dislike porn for a variety of reasons: the exploitation of the actors, the misogyny, the normalising of violence towards women, the dehumanising effect - reducing sex to an animal act divorced from human affection etc etc.
People who dislike porn for any reason are allowed to dislike it and express their dislike. The pro porn posters have a few mantras they trot out . Their agenda seems to be to normalise what to a lot of people is not normal
.

Maybe you are right, I might have to just cut him some slack. I also might have to make a bit more of an effort…. goes off to shave legs 🤣

I know you're kind of joking, but I just want to be clear - you don't have to compete with porn. You could be the hottest randiest woman on the planet and it wouldn't take the place of watching porn. It doesn't mean you don't satisfy him. It's a different urge and not something you should feel the need to up your game for. Shave your legs if you want to, but not because you're lacking.

For me to think of my partner sitting there wanking and watching porn is such a turn off but then again I am supposed to be a cool woman with it all as 'all men watch porn' and just a fantasy. For me I find it gross and it is a right turn off. Have you talked to him about it, do not tell him you saw it on his phone. I don't know what to say as he will say oh all men do it or he will stop which will be a lie. It can destroy a relationship depending how often or what kind of porn they use and it can erode a woman's confidence also to think their partner using porn. No wonder so many men have erectile dysfunction as cannot get turned on unless watching extreme porn, just gross.

*shouldn't

there is a really great positive non exploitative porn site
read up on the founder and the aims- sexual fantasy is a thing, as is mastrabation and self pleasure but it can be done respectfully and consenting.
https://makelovenotporn.tv/
if it goes against your boundaries that’s fine, talk to him and let him know how you feel, so perhaps you can both explore other safer ways to meet those needs that make you comfortable.

I’m a bi 40 something woman, so l am familiar with both men and women at, let’s call it, their sexual maximum. I would say women (including me) are largely stimulated by touch, where as men tend to be more stimulated by the visual. I’m not saying this is scientific or applies to all, but merely my own observations.

As to whether porn is acceptable to a couple is a separate issue and one for them to decide. Trafficking is a issue that goes beyond porn including nailbars, carwashes and the textile industry. I’m not saying it’s ever right, but l do think the wider picture needs to be considered.

You sound surprised. Almost ALL men watch porn. Yes it’s gross.

At yes, the poor man. He is a visual creature and he is ”entitled” to the access of other women’s naked bodies via porn to jerk off to. 🙄

If the OP doesn't want sex then of course he's going to find another way. It's only natural.

I don't see the issue

I am utterly astounded by the amount of mumsnetters who are happily in relationships with assholes who believe their orgasm more important than drugged trafficked and raped woman.

I’m surprised by the amount of mumsnetters who have to turn everything into a moral dilemma when it suits them. It’s even helpful to the op.

Believe it or not there are many places to find porn that are ethical and do not involve abuse of women. Amateur porn is a thing, and there are lots of sites where people upload pictures and videos of themselves. Lots of people, women included, enjoy that.

If there was disclaimer at the beginning saying this 'actress' was paid fairly and chose to do this, (like Only Fans), then it would be ok?

Do you really believe that all women in porn are drugged up and raped? In fact, do you really believe they're all in it against their will? 🙄🤦🏻‍♂️

I only watch porn with guys in it and I guarantee they're not doing it against their will. Far from it! Obviously that's a different thing, but there's women who choose to do it too - Jon August's Butterfly Effect podcast is an interesting listen. Not saying there aren't women coerced into it and it's an issue for sure, but you're bound to be astounded if you only work on the level of melodramatic vast generalisation.

Only fans has really changed the game/narrative for women making porn. Don't get me wrong I still don't think women making a living from porn is unproblematic but it's clearly the case that most OF creators aren't coerced, trafficked, drugged or raped.

One of our neighbours a woman lives in a gorgeous home/mansion indoor swimming pool etc. she's an only fans employee albeit high up the food chain.

To detractors. I think OF is slightly different but still problematic.

Anything whatsoever that makes women's bodies a product doesn't work for me.

To be clear the women are not the problem. The punters are. Other women who speak poorly of sex workers are also a problem.

It's time we had a citizens income so that women had a true choice.

Porn is for those who lack morals, principles and imagination. I wouldn't cross a road with someone like that much less be in a relationship with them.

Genuine question, in light of this post, what are your views on gay porn with only male performers, where there is no male/female dynamic in the entire process?

Can porn ever be a legitimate choice for a woman, in your opinion? Also if porn is being provided by someone who truly choses that career, is the viewer still problematic in any way?

I'm sure some men are being exploited to a degree but it's JUST NOT THE SAME.
They're not living in a world where they'll be slut-shamed, de-valued, ruined by a google search, working while children are asleep. If they're all men then their co-stars aren't taller and twice as strong, if there is an infected person in the cast (if that's the right word) then transmission is more likely male to female, the repercussions of transmission could affect a woman's future more if she'd hoped to have a child for example. If male sex workers are found dead, the police won't shrug.

I can believe more in the ''I chose this'' concept for gay porn ''actors''.