Bleach and other been swallowed.

[Intheair24]

Dd on/of boyfriend. Has swallowed bleach. And clothes washing tablets and fabric conditioner. We don't know how much. We know he's gone to hospital. He done it because dd said he can't go on holiday with her because of how nasty he has been to her.

How dangerous could this be dd feels awful

@SapphireSeptember thank you for your post you have given a great response to the previous poster here. This seems on all accounts pre meditated and autistic or not, it is not an excuse and this should not be used to minimise his actions and the effects of his actions on his victim. I understand people can suffer all sorts of conditions or issues but there is no excuse for domestic abuse, and I am sorry but this is hands down abuse and a classic common manipulation and control tactic, and people need to be aware of what is acceptable and what isn’t, regardless of their condition, and as you have so well put you too are autistic but know this is wrong.

I think it is awful how people on this site sometimes try and excuse everything with ‘oh because autism’ as if every autistic person cannot function or doesn’t understand what is acceptable behaviour. (And yes before I get flamed I understand autism varies greatly from person to person)

He's probably taken a tiny sip of bleach and a lick of a dishwasher tablet, if anything, and is trying to scare/manipulate your DD. This is a good time to teach her about abusive/coercive relationships.

@BubblegumBlue24 Thank you. I've seen so much bad behaviour (including really serious criminal behaviour) be excused because of autism. Even if the victim is autistic too. It drives me up the wall. And unless someone is so profoundly autistic they don't know the difference between right and wrong, then being autistic shouldn't prevent them from feeling the consequences of their actions. I'm in a few Facebook groups for autistic people, one young woman posted this with the screenshot from another page a few years ago.

Autism absolutely effects people differently, but it should never be an excuse to be an abusive shit waffle. I see it all the time on Mumsnet. 🤬 Just no. Way to stigmatise an entire group of people.

Every time he does this kind of stunt it is going to traumatize your DD and the kids. When the kids are at school they will be isolated and stigmatized also. This is utterly heartbreaking. I hope he is okay of course, but I hope even more that your DD realises that it is best to be alone than with troublesome males.

Your DD needs to run, mark my words run as far away from him as possible. If she remains, she will have this sort of behaviour held over her head forever as a consequence for stepping out of line.

Personally, I'd be inclined to buy him a bottle of bleach and say, 'There you go, sunshine. Knock yourself out.'

I'm autistic. My dad (91) is autistic. My dd, son in law and granddaughter are various shades of autistic/adhd.

We don't pull this shit. My (late) mother played the attempted suicide card often, so I'm familiar with it.

Tell your dd, OP, that autistic grandma here wants her, a stranger-girl, to leave the manipulative bastard and have a long, happy and healthy life. Nothing she does has causes his behaviour, it's all down to him.

Your daughter needs to cut contact with this abusive, controlling, and dangerous man.

Yes, it's absolutely possible to keep up an act for years. I'd say 3-4 years or even more would be an absolutely normal period to keep up a facade.

Sometimes a switch goes off when a woman is pregnant or after a baby is born - years after the relationship begins. Sometimes a narcissistic man will begin to devalue a woman he had previously put on a pedestal a few years after the beginning of a relationship. Devaluation can be expressed in various kinds of disrespect and contempt, name calling, entitled behaviour, criticism, selfishness, insults, and violence.

Please, if you can talk her into it, have your DD contact Women's Aid -
0808 2000 247.

She needs help.

There is only one way to deal with this sort of behaviour, because it is behavioural is ignore and walk away because at the moment he's getting exactly what he wants, which is everyone running around after him. This is nobody's fault but his own. The more people play his games the worse his behaviour will become.

There really IS only one way to deal with this behaviour - that is for your DD to walk away from him.

Arrange contact for the child via a third party.

Have absolutely nothing to do with him that is not directly and specifically to do with the child and sent through that third party (which almost certainly should not be his Mum...).

In your shoes, I'd minimise concern for him - 'yes of course we hope he's ok'... don't speculate, don't let her worries get you wound up, be the calming influence.

Big up the message, this is NOT her fault, his mental health is not her responsibility, his actions are not HER responsibility, his choices are not her responsibility. The people responsible for him are - him, then his Mum, and mental health professionals. Not her.

DO NOT... tell her that he won't actually kill himself, or that he is lying - he might not intend to kill himself but do it anyway, he may be lying, he may not - but if he DOES kill himself and you've promised her it wasn't true, he wouldn't etc etc... thats worse for her. I have direct experience of this, people think it helps if they tell the victim of the abuse 'oh he won't ACTUALLY do it'... and when they do... its so so much worse for that victim. Just keep repeating 'whatever he chooses to do is his choice and his responsibility'.

Do your damndest to keep her away from him.

Your daughter needs to run a mile OP and she needs to think really carefully about the impact that this sort if behaviour will have on her children and her priority should be protecting them from it.

PS if he really only lives 10 minutes from the hospital and was well in himself then it's f'ing ridiculous that he didn't either walk or get a taxi. Ambulance services are overwhelmed and it's just fuelling his victim mentality

Your daughter hss done nothing wrong here and I really hope you're telling her that

Please encourage your dd to contact her GP surgery for counselling and Women’s Aid for advice. The freedom programme has already been mentioned and could be very useful.

She needs to stay strong and away from him and / or any other men, who are abusive. I don’t think I’d be encouraging contact with their child atm. He doesn’t sound terribly stable.

I do also hope he will be ok and that he will get some help. But they need to be apart from one another.

Wow, i thought you were going to say these were 14/15 year olds. Your DD needs to stay away from him. Kids come first. I hope SS are aware of this, surely they wont allow him to look after the child if he’s capable of this?

@Universalsnail
"All the comments calling him a low life are uncalled for. Without knowing far far more about the situation we do not know if this was a conscious act of manipulation or an autistic meltdown where he's got so overwhelmed that hes hurt himself and landed himself in hospital. "

Ah yes, the old 'he is autistic so we must forgive his abusive behaviour'. Ffs. So if someone abuses, rapes, murders - does anything heinous really - we need to work out if it's really their fault? If they're autistic they should be absolved. What if they've had a very troubled childhood - absolve them too?

I'm all for feeling sympathy. But the reality is that we don't have sophisticated enough brain science to determine exactly why some people commit crimes and some men abuse others. So we have to revert to a criminal justice system, or in lower-than-criminal threshold abuse situations like this, women need help to escape.

Let's get the focus back to the victim here - the OP's daughter and grandchild and off the abuser and his autism alibi.

I am autistic and my children are. I hope she pulls sharply away from him right now, completelyin fact. Having tried to poison himself.he will be referred to different sources of support to help him understand that his controlling insecure behaviour is unhealthy and ineffective. Your daughter isn't responsible for his inability to process a situation or his own emotional response.

Shes angry with him at the moment and says she pulling away from him. I just hope she sticks to it.

I just need her to understand him seeing the baby is not her problem. If he wants to see that baby then he needs to sort it out with his mum

OP I would look for a local counselling charity that specialises in DV and get your DD an appointment with one of their counsellors.

They will be much better placed to explain abuse to her in a way she is more likely to accept than it coming from you - she'll be primed to see you as "not understanding" or being overprotective.

If he wants to punish her, he could be a danger to the baby as well as her.

DD should not feel awful as it’s not her fault. He is controlling her. She needs to cut all contact.

Most DV is caused by extreme emotional dysregulation. The routes to that being an issue are varied and complex. Understanding the root cause doesn’t mean it’s ok of course, and abusive behaviour is a choice and should be met with clear boundaries.

Quite. And the overstretched nhs having to sort it out.

Total prat

Good she's pulling away now but she needs to understand no matter the reason for his extreme behaviour it is not an excuse for it.

Also your daughter needs to realise she cannot fix him. There will be other events beyond her control which do not go his way he will see as her responsibility.

Out of all the things he can chose to do when feeling like this he chose this.
As plenty if other autistic people here have said to be on the spectrum is not an excuse to be a dickhead.
He will have been taught many ways to try to regulate himself when he feels overwhelmed and will have been taught trying to control anyone other than himself is not the solution. Therefore he chooses this.

Does he live with his mum, what's the current child access arrangements.

I just need her to understand him seeing the baby is not her problem. If he wants to see that baby then he needs to sort it out with his mum

Why does his mum have anything to do with him seeing the baby? Is your daughter going to formalise that he can only have supervised contact with his mother providing the supervision?

I mean that's cool for you that you have enough control during a meltdown to consciously decide to not cut your wrists deep enough to cause actual damage. I do not have this.

My meltdowns are terrifying if they escalate by more overwhelming factors piled on top of me already melting down (usually a loved one being horrendous to me because I am melting down instead of offering support and space which triggers my rejection sensitivity which I find by the most overwhelming thing.) During meltdowns I have at times over the years become so incredibly distressed I have cut myself deeply, I have gone into the cupboard and swallowed handfuls of random medication, I have poured boiling water over my arm, I once had to be dragged back out of throwing myself out the window, I have ran into oncoming traffic, I am extremely violent towards myself (noone else it's all internalised) during meltdown. It's horrendous I have behaved incredibly dangerously impulsively and if I get into that state I lack control until the meltdown has run it's course.
There is never any conscious decision. I couldn't stop myself cutting my arm only slightly and not really deep. I am incapable of thinking manipulatively during this time because I have lost any ability to think of anything but how painful distressed I am and how I need the distress to stop right now. There is no calculated thought going on just sheet desperation. It's awful. Then once it's ran it's course I go into shut down for hours. I would do anything to cure my autism to stop those meltdowns every happening again.

So it's great that you do not experience meltdowns like this but you do not speak for all autistic people. I am really bored of other autistic people acting like because they can do something, other autistics can.