Who should pay for this funeral?

[aquestiontoanswer]

This man was a father to 3 adult DC, but very distant and largely absent from their early teens onwards, (ran away from the family home with another OW, whom he later married). In last few years he saw his adult DC at Christmas for a couple of hours but otherwise never kept in touch. Kept emotionally distant and DC didn't know where he lived or the name of his new wife.

The man was declared bankrupt a couple of years ago. Apparently he has left nothing behind, no property, no pension, and his wife is left penniless. His ex-wife (the DC's Mum) also facing financial hardship. All 3 DC are adults in their 20's, working on normal / average incomes.

Who should pay for the funeral? Should the DC's pay for the funeral?

Def not the DC or exW that’s for sure.

Perhaps the ex wife is trying to exert some authority over the sidepiece/second wife one last time ie trying to get involved with the funeral arrangements and payment.

Anyway, the kids can keep out of it. Not their problem.

Agreed. But thats the wifes responsibility to sort out she would have to apply for the funding

I would suggest that they think about how they will feel if they don't pay and it's a direct cremation with no ashes and base it on that. If that will leave them feeling uneasy with no sense of closure then perhaps it's in their interests to get on with it. If they genuinely won't care then they shouldn't pay. Grief is tricky so I would be inclined to give the long term consequences of their non involvement some thought.

Adult DC should definitely not have to pay. Only the current wife has the responsibility to do so.

Thats why I said "to arrange anything."

If the ex wife wants a funeral she can pay for it. No one should have to. But if a person actively wants to have a funeral they should pay.
If it were me I’d let the council pay. I wouldn’t pay a penny

@aquestiontoanswer I got bereavement allowance even though DH was over state pension age. It's £100 a month for eighteen months and a lump sum of around £3500. They paid out very quickly

Current wife should pay. He can have Tina Turner’s Disco Inferno as the music.

Usually "next of kin" which in his case is his current wife.

I think you can "borrow" money from the state. I know when I rang them about a death I was asked if I needed any help to fund a funeral.

Irrelevant. Current wife’s problem to resolve, either by loan, or any other option available. Definitely not responsibility of ex or dcs.

The wife.

@Sandwichblock Incorrect

The simple answer is surely "Whoever wants to". If noone wants to, then noone does and he has no funeral.

Exactly this. Leave the wife to deal with it. It’s also her who should be in contact with the children to inform them of their fathers passing and to make sure they have the date and details for the funeral.

My dad recently died. I’ve not seen him for over 15 years. My brother has seen him about 5 x in 10 years. No wife. His mum is still alive and has plenty of money but she has dementia and his siblings weren’t interested in contributing. My brother and me paid for a direct cremation. We were able to pay and so did. I just felt I needed to take the moral high ground and see to it that he was cared for by family - not that he ever did for us.

The ex wife shouldn’t be spending the kids’ money for them, if she thinks there is a sense of duty, she can pay herself. The current wife should pay - it is til death do us part, after all. As a kid in this position I wouldn’t feel very close to my dad so wouldn’t feel responsible for the costs when he had next of kin/closer family members

I'm not sure the exwife and kids even have the authority/ability to organise the funeral without current wife's agreement, and no one seems to have asked her what her plans are.

“You reap what you sow”
The children should not pay for this funeral. A paupers funeral is what should happen. You don’t have kids and then leave them so why should his kids worry about him!

It's nothing to do with the Ex wife. She needs to butt out.

Yep, my dad was much loved and admired, but thought funerals were a rip off - so when he passed, direct cremation, best way, funerals are miserable and only the undertakers and cemetery owners enjoy them for the profits!

Ok, the ex wife/DC’s mother is getting a lot of criticism here, being told to butt out etc. Nice.

But once upon a time, she loved this man enough to marry him and have three children with him. Presumably they spent a number of years living together.

I can imagine feeling very uneasy in this circumstance that the father of my children was being cremated without ceremony or a note of his passing.

I don’t think she should pressure her kids, but emotionally, I can see where she’s coming from.

Perhaps a little compassion for her from posters??

She's not a next of kin so legally she has no standing. She has as much say as a random person at the bus shelter. Even if she wants to pay (which she doesn't) if the new wife says no there is nothing the Ex can do.

I have no compassion for someone who tries to guilt trip others into spending their money, especially her own children. Who, btw, can't do anything without the new wife's permission, someone who they've never spoken with.

“She's not a next of kin so legally she has no standing”

Yes, I know. But thanks for missing the point of my post and pointing out the bleeding obvious.

Well done.

Harsh. Try to not be so hard hearted and flippant.