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Original poster

Who should pay for this funeral?

160 replies

aquestiontoanswer · 16/04/2024 17:38

This man was a father to 3 adult DC, but very distant and largely absent from their early teens onwards, (ran away from the family home with another OW, whom he later married). In last few years he saw his adult DC at Christmas for a couple of hours but otherwise never kept in touch. Kept emotionally distant and DC didn't know where he lived or the name of his new wife.

The man was declared bankrupt a couple of years ago. Apparently he has left nothing behind, no property, no pension, and his wife is left penniless. His ex-wife (the DC's Mum) also facing financial hardship. All 3 DC are adults in their 20's, working on normal / average incomes.

Who should pay for the funeral? Should the DC's pay for the funeral?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
nibblemunch · 16/04/2024 20:19

When my ex died his then partner paid for it all.
I never went never cried never sent flowers nothing.
I smiled instead.

godmum56 · 16/04/2024 20:19

Willmafrockfit · 16/04/2024 18:06

who should pay?
i presume the wife and less so the children.
i copied and pasted the below from internet:
In the UK, there are legal obligations and responsibilities associated with paying for a funeral. The primary responsibility lies with the deceased’s estate – or the next of kin. If there are sufficient funds or assets available, the funeral expenses should be paid from the estate.
However, if the estate lacks the necessary funds, the responsibility may fall on the deceased’s family members. In short, the next of kin are responsible for the funeral costs if the deceased does not have sufficient finances to cover the funeral.
The order of priority for responsibility goes in the following order:

  1. The deceased’s estate,
  2. The deceased’s spouse or civil partner
  3. Children or next of kin
  4. Parents of the deceased
  5. Other relatives

the ex wife is not a relative.

Can I ask where this came from?

BrownTroutBlues · 16/04/2024 20:20

Next of kin, so his current wife.

However there doesn’t need to be a funeral just a cremation, no service. That’s the cheapest way although still £400/500 ( at least near me in Kent anyway )

The state will only pick up the tab if there are no relatives or the relatives cannot afford to pay. They will check everything and as there’s a wife and three children I doubt the council will pay in this instance.

DoreenonTill8 · 16/04/2024 20:23

Bonkers anyone thinks the dc should pay anything for the feckless excuse of a parent. The current wife as nok can apply to council for funded funeral.

godmum56 · 16/04/2024 20:27

BrownTroutBlues · 16/04/2024 20:20

Next of kin, so his current wife.

However there doesn’t need to be a funeral just a cremation, no service. That’s the cheapest way although still £400/500 ( at least near me in Kent anyway )

The state will only pick up the tab if there are no relatives or the relatives cannot afford to pay. They will check everything and as there’s a wife and three children I doubt the council will pay in this instance.

Its my understanding that they can refuse. The only way that the cost of a public health funeral can legally be recovered is from the estate of the deceased. The caveat is that no one should hsve contacted a funeral director to arrange anything. As soon as someone does this, they become lisble to pay the fees which they can recover from the estate if there is any. If there is no estate they end up with the bill.

DPotter · 16/04/2024 20:27

Nothingandnobody · 16/04/2024 19:35

But that's you and me as tax payer. I don't think that's fair personally unless the person genuinely knew nobody.

Show quote history

Do his abandoned children owe him anything ? If his wife is on benefits, she would receive a grant towards the funeral.

Ponderingwindow · 16/04/2024 20:32

The mother of the children that were abandoned is trying to pressure them for money?!? That is insane. No wonder so many of us misread the first post.

AfraidToRun · 16/04/2024 20:34

The estate pays, if no funds available to pay then the council will organise one but I think it's usually a private affair as far as I know.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 16/04/2024 20:37

Why does the ex-wife care? In her position, I'd offer to bury him in the nearest ditch.

Naptimeagain · 16/04/2024 20:38

I think his wife would be able to get a funeral grant if she can't afford to pay for cremation/burial, regardless of his age. Otherwise council.

Definitely not the responsibility of the adult children as he wasn't in their lives. Ex-wive should not be pressuring them to pay for it, they don't owe him a funeral as he abandoned them.

BrownTroutBlues · 16/04/2024 20:40

godmum56 · 16/04/2024 20:27

Its my understanding that they can refuse. The only way that the cost of a public health funeral can legally be recovered is from the estate of the deceased. The caveat is that no one should hsve contacted a funeral director to arrange anything. As soon as someone does this, they become lisble to pay the fees which they can recover from the estate if there is any. If there is no estate they end up with the bill.

Show quote history

Some random friend contacted the funeral home is just some random friend contacting the funeral home and their problem really. If the next of kin has asked them to contact the FH then it’s on the next of kin. The dcs are not liable to pay the funeral home a penny,

Also, a funeral home will discuss costs and ask for deposits to pay for initial stuff. If no one pays….no one gets. It’s not all paid after the event and the order will be in the name of a living person, not the dead.

PorkChopJohnson · 16/04/2024 20:43

The current wife is in charge of organising the funeral - and if she's not talking to the children, she's not going to welcome their input, even if it is financial.

Cornflakelover · 16/04/2024 20:49

aquestiontoanswer · 16/04/2024 17:58

The ex wife believes the "family" should pay, out of a sense of duty and sentiment but doesn't have the money herself.

Then the ex wife should pay
I absolutely hate people who have no money
but still think it’s ok how to tell other people to spend their money

Crapuscular · 16/04/2024 20:49

It's up to his wife. If she can't afford it then he'll get a cremation but no service.
Crematoria generally do these types of cremations in the early morning and late afternoon slots where no one has booked them.

When you visit a crematorium, you can see all the cremations displayed on a notice board.

The non paying ones are ten or fifteen minutes apart.

ap1999 · 16/04/2024 20:51

Ffs does NO ONE know the answer to this !!

If there is no money in the estate then the current wife needs to apply for funeral expenses through bereavement benefits !!

No one needs to go in debt for someone else's funeral !!

Bjorkdidit · 16/04/2024 20:53

aquestiontoanswer · 16/04/2024 17:58

The ex wife believes the "family" should pay, out of a sense of duty and sentiment but doesn't have the money herself.

Well she's as much 'family' as their DC and if they want to pay, they can, but they shouldn't be guilted into it if they don't want to.

What if they can't afford it either? Is she expecting them to get into debt to fund an event they don't want?

He's dead. He won't know or care. If she wants a funeral, she should pay for it, or apply for a loan or help with the cost if she can't afford it.

MaggieFS · 16/04/2024 20:57

aquestiontoanswer · 16/04/2024 19:30

To be clear, his ex-wife is the one he left some years ago, and the mother of his DC. She feels a sense of duty and is invested in what happens. The widow is apparently penniless, although relations are bad generally so none of the DC have spoken to her or met her, and would not know how to contact her. A family friend seems to be co-ordinating things at the moment and has assumed that the adult DC will contribute (helped along in this assumption by the ex-wife).

The DC are clueless about where things stand / the right course of action.

If the DC don't want to pay - which would be absolutely fine - then they should make that known swiftly to the "friend" before it becomes any more awkward.

TruthorDie · 16/04/2024 21:00

Current wife. He wasn’t that bothered by his children so why should they fork out. First wife and him were divorced so their relationship is clearly over and it’s not her problem either

BrandNewBicep · 16/04/2024 21:02

We had a similar situation and we were told exactly what Wilmafrockfit has written by the Local Authority. My understanding is that Local Authorities very rarely pay for funerals.

Bjorkdidit · 16/04/2024 21:02

She feels a sense of duty and is invested in what happens

Well that's her problem. He didn't feel a sense of duty to her and their DC so why does she care whether or not a load of people she doesn't know arrange a funeral for him?

Maddy70 · 16/04/2024 21:03

His wife's responsibility

WorkCleanRepeat · 16/04/2024 21:16

His current wife. If she can't afford it then she makes arrangements with the council.

ap1999 · 16/04/2024 21:17

Maddy70 · 16/04/2024 21:03

His wife's responsibility

No it's not ! If there is no money then the local authority pays

THATS THE LAW !!

ap1999 · 16/04/2024 21:20

www.gov.uk/funeral-payments

LuckyPeonies · 16/04/2024 21:20

It sounds as though he had no relationship with his children, therefore they have zero obligation to pay, moral or otherwise. If the ex-wife wants a funeral, she can pay for it.

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