Who should pay for this funeral?

[aquestiontoanswer]

This man was a father to 3 adult DC, but very distant and largely absent from their early teens onwards, (ran away from the family home with another OW, whom he later married). In last few years he saw his adult DC at Christmas for a couple of hours but otherwise never kept in touch. Kept emotionally distant and DC didn't know where he lived or the name of his new wife.

The man was declared bankrupt a couple of years ago. Apparently he has left nothing behind, no property, no pension, and his wife is left penniless. His ex-wife (the DC's Mum) also facing financial hardship. All 3 DC are adults in their 20's, working on normal / average incomes.

Who should pay for the funeral? Should the DC's pay for the funeral?

Why on earth should they contribute to the funeral of a man who fucked off with someone else and didn't bother with any of them?

The DC definitely shouldn’t pay for an absent father. Ex-wife absolutely should not as she owes him the least. Current wife should pay, if not it should be direct cremation.

Current wife should decide how to proceed. Children can pay if they want to, but there is no obligation to do so. Current wife can then organise a council cremation.

Ex-wife's opinion is completely irrelevant.

His funeral is nothing to do with his ex wife. It’s not her responsibility to pay his funeral costs.

His wife can either get a loan, set up a go fund me or leave it to the local council to bury him. His dc are not responsible for paying for his funeral. Unless they want to.

I assume the poster meant the cost of the family meal, not the funeral.

The death of an absent father does take time to process emotionally. dh's dad was a alcoholic and he didn't see him for several years before he died. His death still hit hard.

His widow should make whatever arrangements she can afford or can get paid for by the council or other means. Children should only contribute towards what is important to them, above and beyond this.

It's totally up to his widow to sort out. Maybe there's some of his worldly goods she can sell to raise enough for a pure cremation type thing.

Ex wife should go around spending other people's money

I’m suggesting they contribute to the cost of a family meal.

I suggested the children gather because having a parent die, even an awful parent messes with you. Even if all they do is get together and complain about the man, it will be cathartic.

having an event to focus your feelings around someone’s death is the value of a funeral. The children paying for a full-fledged funeral where people will be pressured to venerate the deceased is insane. Hence my suggestion they just do something casual for themselves.

My great aunt has already arranged her own direct cremation. Family can do what they want afterwards to remember her.

She is still his very next of kin

So she should ask her family not his

Her problem basically

And if there was money she wouldn't be so keen to share it out of duty and sentiment

This is the ex wife, not the OW/widow.

so the mum of the DCs thinks the DCs should pay even though the dead guy left her and the kids.

Sorry I missed that it’s the ex wife who thinks the family should pay, not the widow. It’s nothing to do with her really, obviously she will have a view in the way parents always have a view on what their kids do, but her kids as adults and capable of making their own decisions. So as we’ve ruled out her paying, she needs to butt out.

Wait? What? The mum of the kids thinks the adult kids should pay?!!

If OP is one of the kids or DIL, tell MIL/DM to butt the fuck out of it!!

OP, the wife is next of kin so the "duty", legally and in every other sense, is hers.

If she doesn't want to or can't then as PPs have said, there are funds from the council which cover basic 'laying to rest'.

There's no way that the children, and certainly not the ex-wife, should be guilted into paying for something they can't afford for a parent who abandoned them.

Funeral costs come from his estate. If there isn't anything, the Local Authority pay. If anyone wants more than that, they need to pay.

I’m guessing ex wife?

We did a basic funeral for a distant relative and that was about £800 (5 years ago) that was a direct cremation. No service/wake etc. No ashes .

His wife.

No way should his children he left in childhood pay.

Do the children plan on attending a funeral?

I am guessing the wife of one of the dc. Her dh wants to pay and she isn't happy.

It is a tough one when your dh is grieving for an absent dad. Been there, but luckily there was enough money in his small estate to deal with the funeral costs, it would have been a tough one if there was no money as dh did feel a sense of duty himself and mixed with a more complex and confusing, grief it isn't easy.

I would probably had held back any opinions and let dh do what he felt he needed to do as long as it didn't leave us on the breadline.

Well I would be telling the ex wife where to go with her ideas of the estranged dc paying for it and remind her she is next of kin so it's down to her to sort.

If she has no money she can get a grant that the funeral directors will help her arrange and a direct funeral so it will be covered

The current wife should apply for help with the cost if she can't afford a funeral herself.

She shouldn't be guilting other people into spending money they don't have unnecessarily. If no-one has any money, the council will pay for a direct cremation.

If anyone wants 'a send off' they can pay for it.

It is frustrating when people don't read even a shortish post.

It's ex-wife, the children's mother, who wants the children to pay for a funeral.

We don't know what the current wife (next of kin) thinks, or indeed what the children think.