Another wedding one ...

[what2dooooooo]

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

Children would be experiencing someone’s ’rite of passage’ - not attending a ‘right of passage’

Don't know if I'd go as far as to call it a right of passage but I think it does kids good to go to different events. Broadens horizons and I'm disappointed that my kids probably won't get to experience this sort of event.

I think this might be an illuminating error. I wonder if the misunderstanding over the homophone 'rite' and 'right' has led people to think that the phrase 'rite of passage' relates to something that someone has a right to, which would then explain certain attitudes expressed on this thread!

There's definitely something in that.

Yes, that’s definitely what it is. It’s amusing when people snap at a poster when they clearly don’t know what something means. A quick Google of ‘rite’ should put them right … mmm … corny I know lol 😝

A ‘rite of passage’ has nothing to do with having rights. And a wedding IS a rite of passage.

I probably should put quotations around right. I think it's an interesting phrase that probably has morphed for some folk though. Obviously I don't think anyone has the right to attend weddings.

Yes, it may have morphed for the people who don’t understand the phrase 😊. However, I don’t want to sideline this thread further on the difference between rite and right . Very tiresome.
Tbh I expected most MNers to know the difference. I was genuinely surprised at the indignant responses about children have ‘no right to attend’ 😂😂😂

I suppose some who had big families themselves and got a lot out of these things will see getting dressed up and made to sit still for a formal event as a rite of passage and feel that their own kids have the right to the same rite of passage.

But there is 2 sides to the family. So if my DH cousin is getting married my parents annd siblings aren’t going and if my cousin is getting married my MIL or my DH siblings are going going. So options are available with enough notice. There’s no way more than 1 maybe 2 people can’t get child care for a wedding.

I doubt the bride is actually upset. A lot of couples use this technique to cut the guest list down without being overt about it.

Plenty of couples don't have 2 sides of a family, it's not like it's a legal requirement before being allowed to have kids. They might be dead, estranged or live a long way away. Notice wouldn't make much of a difference in some cases.

Also let's be honest there's weddings and less important weddings. If you only feel able to ask your parents to travel to look after your kids on a rare occasion you might not want to waste it on the wedding of a family member you don't know well. We aren't equally close to all our contacts.

Yes, I think this is a real possibility. A nephew of DH ‘invited’ a number of relatives to his wedding. It was a cruise and the cost for each guest was around £1,750. Only immediate family went which is exactly what I suspected the nephew wanted.

I didn’t realise how rare it is to have kids in weddings until we planned ours , some of the kids and teens where so excited , even the 18 year olds never attended a wedding before .
we have 20 under 18s at our wedding and I would not have it any other way . I literally remember every wedding I went as a child and love those memories . Thankfully I came from a culture that loves being with children and family is important so nobody will mind children dancing or running around

Some of the bride's cousins have been brought up with her so are, almost, like siblings.

I can assure you, she's upset!

Well in my case my husbands mum is not alive and his Dad lives abroad and wouldn’t be trusted with my kids anyway. His siblings live hours away. So that wouldn’t apply.
Some people don’t have siblings- or parents. It’s pretty common not to have a suitable babysitter!
Or, your children may be of an age where they can not be left with anyone else yet. You could be breastfeeding as brought up elsewhere in this thread.

Ive been to lots of weddings in the last ten years. The only ones I left early or didn’t attend at all were the child free ones. The ones where we could bring children we stayed til the end/over night.
One wedding my husband had to drop out an hour before because my friend who was babysitting had a sick child of her own. My parents were on holiday. Things happen!

I didn’t have children at my wedding except nieces and nephews and god children….. only one family didn’t come and it wasn’t someone I’d ever met, but hubby was upset. But our guest list would have been double if everyone brought their kids….

Could you suggest to the guests that have children that the kids come along and each set of parents take it in turns to ‘babysit’ all the kids? Perhaps the venue has a room that could be hired out for the day for the children to all run around in with a few adults supervising at a time?? Switching every hour or something

But no I’m response to your OP, you can’t put conditions on an invite and still expect everyone to be able to attend, especially family who would have all their trusted sitters at the wedding!…

We also only invited cousins to the evening and said kids welcome in the evening

Good. If someone doesn’t care enough to make some extra effort to attend, then why should the couple care enough to accommodate children they probably don’t even know.

While that’s unfortunate for them, the responsibility doesn’t pass to the bride and groom to accommodate them. Should we invite elderly parents of friends because they are carers? Or adult children who need 24 hour care? Should we pay people who normally work that day to attend?

Seems like so many MNers never leave the house without their dc. There are so many other things events which children don’t attend. Why Su everyone so desperate to take children to weddings specifically?

@upthehills1

"Good. If someone doesn’t care enough to make some extra effort to attend, then why should the couple care enough to accommodate children they probably don’t even know."

You could not be more wrong. The cousins want to go. They just can't get childcare from a Friday to a Sunday afternoon!

Why Su everyone so desperate to take children to weddings specifically?

Why do you think?
Getting a baby sitter for 3 or so hours for an evening out is a completely different kettle of fish from getting someone to have children from Friday to Sunday.

I don't know why so many mumsnetters don't understand that a lot of people just don't have that kind of childcare available. It has nothing to do with not trying hard enough.

How many cousins? I find it difficult to believe that not one of them can get childcare. If that’s the case, I do feel sorry for them. I know my family and parents would go out of their way to help in these situations.

My own parents travel a long way to my sisters to look after their children for things like this. Weddings are planned so far in advance, so I don’t think it’s an unrealistic expectation of couples that most people would be able to arrange childcare.

You are assuming that all events except weddings are local so they don’t involve travel? People just make a big deal about children not being invited to weddings. But they also aren’t invited to the hen do or adult birthday parties.

It is just not the bride and groom’s responsibility. It’s unfortunate that some people can’t attend, but it’s due to their own life choices.

@upthehills1

Are you sure you're not the bride?!

I'm not going to go into details of why they can't find childcare as it's none of your business.

However, there are elderly and frail grandparents involved, along with others who live in different parts of the country etc.

If you can get childcare for a long weekend then you're very lucky!

Don't be judging the cousins who want to go but can't get anyone to help!