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Original poster

Another wedding one ...

275 replies

what2dooooooo · 16/04/2024 11:40

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

OP posts:
NoThanksymm · 21/04/2024 16:08

I think it shows who you love and who you will show up for. Everyone not bothering to go… well the bride and groom love them and invited them, so yeah, they will be sad and forced to re-evaluate who they consider family. It’s not every day you find out your family doesn’t include you in their family.

I live away from a major center and an event is always a three day commitment for us, so this is a super piss poor excuse.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2024 16:18

I think it shows who you love and who you will show up for

Wow! That is such a bridezilla thing to say Hmm
You are completely wrong.
A wedding invitation is not a test of how much you value the bride/groom.

When we got married most of DH's aunts and uncles couldn't come because they couldn't afford to. It wasn't a destination wedding. I just happen to come from the other end of the country to DH. It would have been a 700 mile round trip by rail and overnight accommodation.

His family were not well off at all and lived in the middle of nowhere. The trip alone would have been quite an undertaking for them. DH had already said that most of his family wouldn't be able to come, but they appreciated the invitation and they even bought us wedding presents.

We went to visit them all after we got married and took the photos for them to look at. They really appreciated us visiting them afterwards.

user33992020 · 21/04/2024 16:51

I think it shows who you love and who you will show up for. Everyone not bothering to go… well the bride and groom love them and invited them, so yeah, they will be sad and forced to re-evaluate who they consider family. It’s not every day you find out your family doesn’t include you in their family

Well, I think having a wedding that restricts the options of the very family you claim to love so much shows you dont really care about them too much lol

If you REALLY wanted them to be there you would facilitate that to make it as straightforward as possible for them to attend since you love them and all

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Notreat · 21/04/2024 17:33

NoThanksymm · 21/04/2024 16:08

I think it shows who you love and who you will show up for. Everyone not bothering to go… well the bride and groom love them and invited them, so yeah, they will be sad and forced to re-evaluate who they consider family. It’s not every day you find out your family doesn’t include you in their family.

I live away from a major center and an event is always a three day commitment for us, so this is a super piss poor excuse.

Well you could turn that round. The guests children are family aren't they? But obviously bride and groom don't see them as family as they haven't invited them. If Bride and Groom want people to attend they should make it as easy as possible for them to attend. If they don't they can't expect people to attend.
Some things are much more important than attending someone's wedding.

Boombadaboom · 21/04/2024 17:40

Yep, if you choose miles away / no kids then expect people to say they can’t attend. I had a no kids at mine last year but we had it closer to home. You cant have your cake and eat it!

NewName24 · 21/04/2024 18:47

Weddings were less expensive and less meticulously planned. Now a wedding is more like a 'posh party'.

I agree with this bit, but

I think people's expectations of a wedding have changed
When I was young it was very unusual to exclude children they were part of the family and a wedding was seen as bringing two families together. Buffets after the ceremony instead of a sit down meal were common so a few extra children didn't cost anything. Having children there added to the atmosphere.

Obviously, I don't know when you were young, but I grew up in the 60s and 70s, and never went to a wedding as a child. My parents went, and we had babysitters.
When I was at the time of life when I went to the most weddings (80s and into the 90s) all the weddings I went to were for adults. Not talking about just family ones, but all sorts of people, colleagues, friends from hobbies, friends from school, university, etc etc. Incredibly unusual to see a child at a wedding.
Looking at my parents' wedding photos in the mid 1950s, the only 'child' was my Dad's much younger brother, and he would have been 14 or 15, so not a small child.

I'm not saying no children ever went to weddings (perhaps different parts of the country ??) but it certainly wasn't unusual to have child free weddings at any point over the last 70 years.

Fanofbrianbilston · 21/04/2024 19:09

Often having children invited then opens up the next argument about bridesmaids/pageboys so a ban avoids that particular can of worms. (While opening another).

OldPerson · 21/04/2024 19:19

Apparently the bride is not a very good events planner.

Did she not put in any thought into logistics?

Because seriously, whether or not children attend, spending 2 nights away for a wedding is an expensive nightmare - and pretty much writes off 3 days with the "number of hours" travel. Which also means guests have to take at least 1 day of their annual leave.

Trust me, other than her closest relatives, everyone weighs up the cost and time investment and convenience in attending a wedding.

And if attending a wedding costs more than £200 per family, aka more than they'd probably spend on their own child's birthday party, it's going to come out of another family budget, like family holiday this year.

She was on to a loser as soon as her timing and venue meant everyone had to devote 3 days to her event.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/04/2024 19:20

mindutopia · 16/04/2024 12:10

Yes, it's to be expected that guests can't attend if you give them too many hurdles to jump in order to get there.

We have friends who had a childfree wedding abroad and dh had to go on his own (was best man) as we at the time had a small baby (and no overnight childcare anyway). They now have 2 small children (baby and toddler) and were recently complaining to me about another friend having a childfree wedding, and how selfish it is to have a childfree wedding because it makes it so hard for people to attend. 🙄They obviously don't mean to be so clueless, but when you don't have children or when you have family who can provide childcare, you just don't think these things through.

Edited

God. How did you not say "yes, we do were so disappointed not to be able to attend your wedding together with DC1. But that's life, it's so expensive to include children into the headcount in most venues"

Vod · 21/04/2024 19:25

Looks like the B and G are learning the hard way that choices have consequences.

Jellyrunner · 21/04/2024 19:37

that’s a crazy response. People have a choice and generally the reason for not inviting children is that they cause a distraction and some disruption, which some people love and some don’t. I didn’t see my sister get married because of a crazy 4 year old bridesmaid i had to keep tabs on during the wedding. so i get get why some people would choose to have a child free wedding,

GoldEagle · 21/04/2024 19:47

The bride must have realised the consequences of having a child free wedding surely?

fashionqueen1183 · 21/04/2024 20:25

what2dooooooo · 20/04/2024 15:55

@Joelkimmo

"It stinks of lack of effort to try and arrange child care for me".

How can you ask very elderly parents to look after a number of little children from Friday to Sunday? That stinks of inconsideration and selfishness to me!

Especially if they are the brides cousins - their parents are probably at the wedding!

HideTheCroissants · 21/04/2024 20:40

@NewName24 Obviously, I don't know when you were young, but I grew up in the 60s and 70s, and never went to a wedding as a child.

I was born in ‘68. I have a picture of me at my Mum’s cousin’s wedding in 1970. We come from an Irish background so there are LOTS of cousins etc. I always went with my parents to the weddings - as did all the other children in the extended family.

When I got married we had loads of children at the wedding, the youngest was my littlest cousin at 2 years old. It was a full Catholic mass, sit down meal, then straight onto a party. He loved it and behaved well throughout, the only noise from him was hen he called out his sisters name when she (a bridesmaid) walked past him in church.

fashionqueen1183 · 21/04/2024 20:41

ToWhitToWhoo · 20/04/2024 16:30

If they are sufficiently part of the family to be invited, and they want to go, then they will also be at the wedding, and won't be available as childminders.

If they aren't invited, they may still have their own family commitments, which may make them unable to provide childcare.

And many people won't have relatives on the other side of the family, or they may be elderly/ disabled/ estranged/ living in another country, and for any of these reasons not available for childcare.

Show quote history

This! If it’s a family wedding the usual babysitters are likely at the wedding too.

And yes in mine and my sisters case in a similar situation, both of our spouses have parents in another country. And some aren’t suitable to baby sit even if they were close! Not all in laws live round the corner and can be trusted with your kids.

Havinganamechange · 21/04/2024 20:50

People should plan and have their wedding exactly as they like but also need to appreciate that it isn’t the responsibility of the guests to make every effort. The reality is it’s hard with kids and sometimes that means people just can’t make it.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2024 21:06

People should plan and have their wedding exactly as they like

I agree. In our case we prioritised having our nearest and dearest over a fancy venue becuas that is what we wanted.

upthehills1 · 21/04/2024 22:02

Doone22 · 18/04/2024 21:14

Oh dear another bride who doesn't get the world doesn't revolve around her.
It's also ridiculous offensive and rude to ban kids from a family event. You reap what you sow in this respect. After all if you're not interested in celebrating with family (kids are family too) then just elope. Would you attend a wedding that banned old people? Or disabled?

Huhhh? How is it ridiculous? It’s up to them. Like any other event such as birthday parties etc, not every event is suitable for children

Notreat · 21/04/2024 22:14

NewName24 · 21/04/2024 18:47

Weddings were less expensive and less meticulously planned. Now a wedding is more like a 'posh party'.

I agree with this bit, but

I think people's expectations of a wedding have changed
When I was young it was very unusual to exclude children they were part of the family and a wedding was seen as bringing two families together. Buffets after the ceremony instead of a sit down meal were common so a few extra children didn't cost anything. Having children there added to the atmosphere.

Obviously, I don't know when you were young, but I grew up in the 60s and 70s, and never went to a wedding as a child. My parents went, and we had babysitters.
When I was at the time of life when I went to the most weddings (80s and into the 90s) all the weddings I went to were for adults. Not talking about just family ones, but all sorts of people, colleagues, friends from hobbies, friends from school, university, etc etc. Incredibly unusual to see a child at a wedding.
Looking at my parents' wedding photos in the mid 1950s, the only 'child' was my Dad's much younger brother, and he would have been 14 or 15, so not a small child.

I'm not saying no children ever went to weddings (perhaps different parts of the country ??) but it certainly wasn't unusual to have child free weddings at any point over the last 70 years.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s too in the North of England I attended weddings as a child also all the weddings I attended as a teenager and young adult included children , I married in the 80s, my siblings and cousins in the 80s and 90s all our weddings included children. There are children in my parents wedding photos too.
I was from a big working class family, lived in a working class area and people would have thought it strange to have a no children wedding.

However people can choose whatever type of wedding they want. What they can't do is treat an invitation like a summons.

RainIsCosy · 21/04/2024 22:34

Notreat · 21/04/2024 17:33

Well you could turn that round. The guests children are family aren't they? But obviously bride and groom don't see them as family as they haven't invited them. If Bride and Groom want people to attend they should make it as easy as possible for them to attend. If they don't they can't expect people to attend.
Some things are much more important than attending someone's wedding.

Show quote history

Exactly this. If I am forced into a position where I have to choose between my children and your event, I will choose my children every time.

And yes, if you don't let me bring my nursing baby to a wedding I have to travel for, then it tells me how little you actually want me there. Putting up impossible barriers to my coming shows lack of real care if I'm there or not. Yes, that knowledge about how important I am to someone does affect our relationship going forward.

Marchintospring · 21/04/2024 22:36

I loved the big 70's and 80's family weddings. There's something special about big family get togethers.

However every aspect of life has changed . Guests are more likely to live further away and everyone has to get time off wok not just "the man". Guests are more likely to need a hotel which was an event in itself back in the 70's. Now it's another mini break competing with other breaks and it needs to deliver accordingly. The wedding buffet and cake which was once a bit of a treat, is mundane. A supermarket meal deal now has sandwiches, snacks and drinks that weddings previously could only dream of.

AngryBookworm · 21/04/2024 22:51

As PP have said, the bride and groom need to take responsibility for their own event planning. If you plan an event that requires people to be away for two nights and not bring their children, they most likely won't come. That's a significant amount of childcare to find (or time to spend looking after the kids alone while partner attends wedding on their own) that may not match the importance they place on the event. Not sure what kind of wedding requires an early start too. If the bride is starting to feel upset she could relax the rules (kids after the service or until a certain time) but if she'd rather have fewer people there and have it how she wants it, that's fine too. There's no should or shouldn't, just the reality of people having responsibilities.

NewName24 · 22/04/2024 00:01

Oh dear another bride who doesn't get the world doesn't revolve around her.
It's also ridiculous offensive and rude to ban kids from a family event.

Or, another parent who doesn't seem to grasp that other people's events don't revolve around their children.

There's always at least two ways of looking at things.

Ilovecleaning · 22/04/2024 08:16

I hate child-free weddings. Children should not miss out on watershed, rites of passage celebrations. They are part of life.

upthehills1 · 22/04/2024 08:29

Ilovecleaning · 22/04/2024 08:16

I hate child-free weddings. Children should not miss out on watershed, rites of passage celebrations. They are part of life.

Don’t go then 😅 Children of cousins don’t need to attend weddings. They probably barely know the happy couple. My wedding is a 3 hour sit down meal, I don’t think children (especially children I barely know) need to attend as a ‘right of passage!’

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