How would you react if you saw a 3 yo trying to deliberately step on a cat's tail?

[TotesDelulu]

For context, child is 3.8 (4 this summer), the parent is my friend who was out of sight at the far end of the garden (it's a big garden) making a phone call. Cat is 15 with arthritis and was snoozing in the sun.

I was inside washing up and looking out if the closed kitchen window when I saw child looking down at floor and moving strangely. I stood on tiptoes and moved to the side to get a view of child's feet and realised they were trying to step on the cat's swishing tail. I yelled "[CHILD] STOP IT, YOU DO NOT STEP ON THE CAT'S TAIL" extremely loudly through the window just as the child's foot came down on the end of cat's tail. Child jumped backwards then looked round to see who had shouted. I went and opened back door, crouched down and said "[Child] I need to talk to you" at normal volume and in a normal tone of voice but child ran off toward friend who had heard me shout and come to see what the problem was.

Friend has now got the hump and gone home because a) they don't shout and b) child claims not to have been stepping on tail. I don't usually shout either especially not at other people's DC, but child was outside, no parent in sight, windows and doors shut, and I was worried for my poor old cat and wanted to intervene fast enough to prevent a tail injury!

I am absolutely 100% certain that's what child was doing, I would never have shouted had I not been certain.

So how would anyone else have reacted?

I'd think the child was probably just experimenting rather than being cruel because he's a bit too young to understand that animals feel pain, but that he needed to be stopped immediately and if I had to raise my voice or pull the child away, I wouldn't hesitate to do it.

The instinct is to shout - I once shouted at a primary age child in soft play who had my preschooler in a head lock . I couldn’t get to them anywhere near fast enough to prevent harm any other way . Don’t regret it at all and mother of said child was mortified and not at all worried at me yelling . Your friend is in the wrong but may take some time to wise up unfortunately .

I deliberately didn't post this in AIBU!

If I had, I imagine I'd have been told I was BU for having a big garden, mentioning the big garden, letting the cat in the garden, doing the washing up when a friend was visiting, having a cat in the first place...you know, the usual AIBU bully-wank-fest

I did genuinely want to know how other people would have dealt with that situation because I can't see another way of handling it that would have prevented the cat from being injured.

This. Not a friend I would want.

I don't see what your friend has got the hump about, if all you did was shout to get the child's attention. It's not as if you swore at him, shouted in his face or gave him a slap (all of which would have been understandable in the circumstances).

Oh Dear God

Buy the time the OP had got outside it would have been too late. The explanation can follow once the OP got there
Being shouted at once is not going to traumatise the child

And if you were walking with my kid down the road and they slipped out of your hands and were going to run into the road I would actually EXPECT you to shout at my child to prevent an accident

Shouting occasionally does not cause trauma

Anyway OP I actually don’t think you did anything wrong but this is Mumsnet where half will think you are the big bad wolf for shouting and the other half will drone on and on about the poor child like this one act is a sure sign of him becoming a serial killer later in life. Of course the middle ground (and reality) is that kids do stupid things and need direction from adults about how to behave appropriately, which is what happened. The mum probably just had a knee jerk reaction to someone shouting at her kid (which is the same as you having a reaction to someone about to stand on your cats tail), I am sure she will come round and realise she has been a bit daft.

Laughing at all the people confidently asserting that they would have ‘done worse’ or would ‘be in jail’ if someone stood on their cats tail, sure you would and their parents would just stand back and let you eh? And not fucking kill you the minute you tried.

Absolutely despise the child hate on this site.

@Mistredd

yes it op had have waited to get outside as you suggest then it would have been too late and the cat would be hurt - do you really think that’s ok?

Parent is ridiculous and you're better off without them as a friend.

My friend's DS decided to pick my young cat up by his tail (4 month old), I absolutely yelled at him to put the cat down NOW! There was an urgency about it because he could have hurt the cat, just as your friend's DD could have hurt the cat.

When I spoke to my friend about it to let her know what happened she was gobsmacked that he would do that (they have cats and he's never done anything like that before, but those cats were elderly unlike mine), but was absolutely understanding of why I yelled. THAT is the behaviour of a sensible friend.

You did exactly the right thing. You shouted to avert danger, not to tell the child off. Danger towards your cat, but potentially the child too. For me those are the only justifiable reasons for shouting, just as you might bollock a kids for running across a road. You friend, however, is also a mother reacting to someone shouting at her child and being defensive. Hers too was a reaction to the circumstances. Hopefully both of you can calm down a bit and sort things out.

Then don't leave your child unsupervised

One shout is not going to hurt them

Loud voices are for occasions where they're needed. I think you can justify it here because apart from the action being cruel (even if the kid isn't fully aware of that, it does happen, especially at that age) if the cat retaliated it would have been horrible for the kid. Presumably the mother would be annoyed about that too? I also have the kind of child that thinks I talk out of my arse (he's ND and can be an arse, I love him, but it's true) and hearing things from other people backs up what he's heard from me and helps him understand that I do actually know what I'm talking about. You weren't awful, you lowered your voice after the necessary shout. I'd have wanted to know what was happening but once I did I'd have agreed with the way you'd handled it. And my kid would be fuming, but that's tough kitty paws. I think a firm clear no from others is helpful and I've said that before to people who have done similar when I've not been there.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat oh don't worry, it's clear from your oddly aggressive post that we would thankfully never be in the situation where I would be anywhere near your house. Calling a child a "badly behaved brat" and kicking them out for doing what toddlers can do sometimes is ridiculous. The mum was in the wrong, absolutely, but why the child is being vilified on this thread is beyond me. Have any of you actually ever been around a 3 year old? They are batshit at times, and are not able to always have nor understand empathy or regulate themselves. Yes they need and deserve teaching how to behave, but the posters on here claiming the child is some awful serial killer is just some weird kind of snobby superiority hyperbole. This isn't about the child so save your sneering. It's about the poor response of its mother.

I want to add that my kid was parented 'gently' (stupid name, it needs a rebrand) - there's nothing in gentle parenting that says you never raise your voice. Sometimes it's needed. It's important for kids to learn that - yelling is a tool with a specific effect for specific circumstances, they need to know that. (...I have also lost my cool and shouted when overwhelmed, and my kid knows that this happens when I'm stressed out, and that it's something to apologise for and try to get better at. I'm not a saint.)

My 3yo twins are kept away from our car unless there is someone to supervise the interaction. The same as they at kept away from their younger sister. At this age that could do all sorts of daft (and unpleasant) things from curiosity. Totally fine to correct them - that's how they learn! Yes, if you'd been standing right next to them there were better things to do, but at a distance shouting is absolutely appropriate.

Absolutely not.

Same as you.
You shouted to get their attention. Then went to their level and explain.
Just wait till that child gets the idea that they can manipulate their mother to get out of all kind of trouble....
Worst parenting technique, ever. Just ignore the bad behaviour....

I'd be waiting for her to bring him back to apologise to me!

You absolutely behaved appropriately. Your friend needs to take a reality check. That is quite nasty behaviour and almost four is old enough to know better.

Imagine what would have happened if cat bit/scratched child. Not that I'm condoning what child did, but think they need to be taught how to respect animals etc or they can be injured

I would have told the kid off, then I would have ended the visit, and the child would not be invited or allowed into the house again. Keeping my cat safe in her own home is higher priority than anything else, if someone doesn’t like that that’s their problem. Tbh kids don’t generally get invited for that reason, I know I’d be absolutely furious if one wound her up even.

I would have done exactly the same thing. Nothing wrong with a loud voice to get the child's attention in this situation. Your friend is foolish not to believe you, why would you make something like that up? She should have been supervising her child anyway 🙄

I would have shouted his name too.
Because that would have made him stop.

I would have shouted in the same way than I would have shouted if they had been going towards the road or doing anything else dangerous.
Even Wo talking about the cat’s welfare, walking on the cat’s tail could have been dangerous to the child - I’d have expected a strong answer from the cat!

I hope that my friends/family are this vigilant when my back is turned and my DD is displaying any acts of cruelty. You did a better job at parenting her in that situation than her own parent did. Sure, shouting isn't something that we should be doing around our children on a regular basis, but it can be and should be used to reflect the gravity of a situation or their behaviour. In this instance you were completely right. And your friend is a fool, that LO is going to be rather entitled if that continues.

To add, before some MNers think I'm advocating shouting as a good form of discipline, I'm not. I don't think shouting should be used until absolutely necessary, like a child coming to harm or harming others.