My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

From someone who was bought up in the equivalent of a show home, I used to love going to friends really messy houses. It felt homely and didn't make me nervous about sitting on the wrong chair or doing something wrong.

The OP isn’t asking for advice on her kids food, so wind your neck in. Neither does she need to delete SM to have a tidy house, she just needs to develop a system that works for her.

It’s not all your responsibility.

prioritise clean clothes. And a clean kitchen and bathroom.

Declutter all the unnecessary crap so you don’t have to waste your time and energy on tidying up / maintaining those things ever again.

And ask everyone to share the burden.

I saw something online once about tasks someone does every evening before bed and how it improves their life each day. It included tidying the kids toys away from the main living space, doing the dishes then cleaning the sink and counters. We do the same and it makes such a difference waking up each day to a clean slate in the most used rooms. It doesn't take long but makes the house easier to keep on top of because you're not chasing your tail from the moment you get out of bed.

See if you have a charity collection service nearby such as Anglo Collections. I book in a collection so it gives me an incentive to declutter.
I have one coming today so I focused on my bedroom for this one! Went through all my clothes and bagged up anything that no longer fits or no longer makes me feel good!
Filled 2 bin bags of clutter and rubbish that had built up. My wardrobe was full of bits and bobs that I’d saved thinking they’d be used again but honestly they really won’t be used.

Booking the next collection in my area which is in 2 weeks time. That will be children’s books and clothes.

decluttering makes so much difference. And usually once I start decluttering it prompts me to wipe down and hoover places, clean areas that often get forgotten about.

Also, get the kids involved! We use the phrase they use at school! “Choose it, use it, put it away!” I remind them if I see them getting more things out to play before tidying what they already had out!
Get them an extendable duster, mine love them and often fight about dusting 🤣

You sound depressed. You are putting too much pressure on your self. Try setting one big task a day. How old are the children? Even from a young age they can do little jobs and be responsible for things. Do you have a partner? . Having a messy house and or a dirty house are different things .take a honest look and see if you are overthinking

F

Oh OP, I know what you mean. I have 2 teens and it is a battle to keep the place clean and keep on top of the clean clothes, and the endless meals.

The thing is, a clean house does not mean you are a great mum.

Are you spending time with them? Do you talk to each other? Do you do interesting and fun things with them? Do you just hang out? Do you laugh and joke?

If so, forget the sticky floors. You are doing a great job.

Also, get them to help. It is good for them to join in helping, and learn life skills.

My house was in a bit of a state and I was overwhelmed so my friend introduced me to The Minimal Mom on YouTube and A Slob Comes Clean podcast.

Dawn from The Minimal Mom gave me permission to get rid of stuff, did you know you don't have to keep every single towel you have ever bought or been given? I did not!

Dana from A Slob Comes Clean is fab because she takes it down to absolute basics and tells you how to build in VERY basic routines. Like do your dishes every day and then you gradually build up over time.

It has really changed my life and my house.

Are you the only adult in the house OP? How old are the kids and what do they do to help?

In my house it is dh

I know this because he would work away 3 weeks in every 4 and 10 days after he had been away the house ran like clockwork and everything was clean and tidy for the next 11 days, dc would be in bed on time every night and everything done and I could sit on the sofa and relax for the evening.

Within 24 hours of dh coming home the house was chaos.

He would walk through the door at 7.30pm every week day he was working in the UK and dc would get excited to see him and he would come in their bedroom and I think deliberately over excite them so they wouldn’t go to sleep until gone 10pm

I once took a video of the kitchen before I went out with friends one Saturday as no one believed me when I described how dh made a meal.
My kitchen didn’t have a single thing out on the work surface. Dc were calm and I had explained the importance of bath, bed and spending time reading them a story as they drifted off to sleep. Then he would have an evening to himself

I came home and videoed the aftermath of dh looking after dc for the evening.
Every single piece of crockery, pan and virtually the contents of the cutlery drawer having been used to cook a meal and piled high across every bit of worktop, dc wide awake and running around and dh looking knackered wondering why dc wouldn’t go to sleep.
The empty 2 litre Cola bottle and discarded Smarty tubes and Milky Way wrappers should have been a sign why but dh despite being incredibly bright has a blind spot for consequences if I try to explain why he should or shouldn’t do something and it being for his own benefit.

Everyone says single parenting is hard. Personally I found it so much easier being the single parent for those 3 weeks in every month as I knew when I left the house in the morning and when I returned in the evening the house would still be the same as i left it and ADHD dc who never had cola were much more manageable and in some sort of routine.

Personally I don’t think any of the things u have said make u a bad mum !!!!!
Being a mum is not about cleaning and tidying as long as your kids are loved and clean and fed your doing a fab job !!
Most people with kids find it hard work keeping ontop of things some manage easier than others don’t keep hitting yourself with a stick and give yourself a pat on the back for all the other stuff u are doing big hugs 🤗 xxx

I had to google...
Here!

https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/about-me/

Oh @HelloMiss 🙄 or Hello miss Judgemental one,

"Oh do fxxk off,
🤔 with your boringly self righteous oh so predictable comments,"

"There's allways one,
isn't there like yourself" that unfortunately has to crop from time to time,

@keenunkempt
has said she came from a background in which she was not shown properly how to maintain a home in a way that's beneficial for wellbeing etc,

Another words cause of this, it doesn't come natural to her keeping house and the skills that go with it,

cause of her childhood and teenagers years family dynamics background house 🏠 was cluttered messy chaos ect,
It's become default of her " normal" as being dysfunctional mess clutter replicating that,

as childhood and teenage years is the foundation of adult hood..

She needs support and good practical advice not a verbal dressing down kicking from yourself @HelloMiss

I'm the opposite if you, a total beat freak (which of course comes with it's own set of issues).

I have a couple of messy friends and one thing I've noticed is that they have a tendency to allow the house to descend into a state then feel bad about the state of the house, then give it a mass clean and tidy weeks later. Then the cycle repeats itself.

The problem with this is that by the time they get round to/are overwhelmed/disgusted enough and clean it, it feels like an enormous job that they dread having to do, so will put it off and put it off until it feels unconquerable.

The key is to tidy and clean as you go along. Pit things back where they came from. If a ness is cleared, clean it up then and there. Wash pots after use and put on the drainer to dry. It's literally the same principle as anything else in life, if you leave things for too long there'll come back and bite you in the arse.

Hey OP, I can relate! We are an ADHD household, my husband and I both have it and my stepdaughter isn’t diagnosed but you can see habits slipping in (leaving wrappers on arm of sofa until they slip onto the floor and gather at the side LOL), not putting things away when they’re done with etc. - I wish I knew the answer, this is more of a solidarity reply.

I find that emptying the dishwasher soon as it’s done helps the kitchen a lot, means you can bung dirty dishes out of the way and wipe surfaces. If bin is full use a carrier bag over a drawer handle until you’re done tidying and then take it all out to the outside bin. Have a carrier bag upstairs for any upstairs rubbish that gets there, try to do one thing at a time! I find little victories help me feel like I’m getting somewhere. I have a 6 month old and the living room is an utter bombsite! If you’re upstairs bring down one thing that needs to go upstairs (even if it’s just a fistful of socks off the laundry rack) and when you come back down bring something down that needs to be downstairs, like empty bottles from bathroom, dirty cups from bedrooms, or some washing.
I’m also in a FB group called Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew, they can give great advice or you can find people who will sit on FaceTime with you while you do jobs so you can’t put them off, or just advice in there from people who struggle helps me loads!!
Even if you do one job a day, it’s a little victory. Make sure everyone in the house is doing a little bit too, it all helps.

And try not to feel bad! I get so overwhelmed with it at times, but try to tell myself that my son is safe and happy, cleaning/tidying can wait. Decluttering a bit has helped me with dusting, my shelves used to have so much stuff on them that dusting, the most thankless job, would take FOREVER. My parents are the most immaculately clean and tidy people, it just never clicked for me. Trying my best to learn but it’s also important to be easy on yourself.

We have a little and often approach here (we hate housework!!!!) but at the end of everyday, I make sure toys get put away, the dishes are washed (I've started washing up whilst cooking dinner I'm not left with a huge pile) everywhere is just straighted up, we also do one load of laundry per day and it really keeps it down, and then one half day per week we do everything else.

How old are your kids op? My daughter is 5 and knows to a certain extent she has to clean up after herself, her toys and mess has to go back when she has used it, he dirty washing goes in the laundry basket. If they're old enough to help they should be, it will be good for them in later life to have these skills now.

Oh, and a great bit of advice I got in my cleaning group on FB is to not keep stuff ‘just in case’ you need it. I grew up with parents who got me everything but weren’t well off so I hate throwing stuff away, and would have piles of bags of things ‘too nice to throw away just in case’ and bags of stuff I meant to list on Vinted as every little helps money wise. However, the bin bags of clothes I never got round to listing were taking up a lot of space and the effort to wash, list, package, was just too much and after a couple of months I knew I’d never get round to it and the stuff was piling up. Don’t feel bad just taking stuff to the charity shop, it really helped me to not feel like it was throwing money away by donating stuff.

There's a difference between a lived in grubby mess and a hoarded dirty health hazard.

Mine always has and always will be the former. I just don't have the inclination or skill for a spotless house.

My kids are adults now and only one lives at home. If she's embarrassed by any of the mess she's more than welcome to do something about it. She doesn't and to be fair she makes more than her fair share of it.

@keenunkempt

a few people have mentioned 'A slob comes clean' Her name is Dana K White (you need the k or you get some bloke). She started off a blog under the name of noni (anonymous) as she wanted to write but didn't feel she could when her house was such a big mess all the time. She undiagnosed ADHD and couldn't make any of the recommended methods work. So she developed this system which so many find works for them.

it's a 'no mess' declutter, so you never end up worse off, only better! You can do something no matter how little time you have, it doesn't have to be a big session.

her books are great, but so are her YouTubes

very motivating too.

it doesn't matter if you don't think you have too much, she'll help.

i could rave on & tell you about the things she says & does, but better to get it from the horses mouth!

Do you have a partner? They should be sharing the load.

How old are your kids? They could help.

Not wanting to overstep but could you have ADHD? I do, and I struggle to keep on top of household chores, I get distracted, and I feel overwhelmed.

And finally, this is difficult, but try not to care what people think. I worried for years about people judging me for the state of my house now I think fuck it. If they’re judging then they’re not proper friends and they’re not welcome. There’s more to me than my (in)ability to keep a tidy house. Try to let it go!

I also think rock the housework it's a £3 app or patreon and she guides you through cleans , I have adhd I find house cleaning so hard. I just can't start! And Gemma is so good she has the organised mum method which is a way in which u keep it tidy she explains that on her website with free print outs but they don't work for me

This is a lot. Every day one load of laundry?

This is a link to her you tube. https://m.youtube.com/@DanaKWhite/videos

The biggest things for me:
My DH actually contributes to cleaning, tidying and washing.
My children have to make their beds and tidy their rooms once they wake up.
We bought two robotic hoovers for £100 each and we set them off once in the morning and once in the evening. I just go round and make sure things are of the floor and are put on to sofas/tables/beds when they go off and then I know I have to put things away that are on those things.