My house gets disgusting and it's embarrassing for my kids

[keenunkempt]

I feel really down because my kids are getting older now and are starting to notice how messy and disgusting our house gets. The worst thing is it's a really nice, newly built house. It's decorated really nicely. If I could keep it tidy it's a gorgeous home for them to grow up in and the last thing they'd need to feel is embarrassed but I just can't seem to do it. I read these posts from people saying they grew up in a messy home and now have the tidiest houses ever, but I'm the opposite, I too grew up in a very messy dirty home and I seem to be replicating it entirely for my kids. I will spend a whole day getting it perfect and it just doesn't last a day. I think I'm just a total slob. I want to be a better mum but can't seem to pull myself together. I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them. I want to be a better mum than this and have these moments of achievement but always end up back here. How do I sort myself out?

A wise woman once said to me your not going to be on your deathbed saying I wish I'd done more housework. But if you've used it put it back. Do at least one wash a day. No home is perfect get the children involved with cleaning up.

OP, do you do paid work? Is time an issue for you?

Do you have a partner? If so, this should also be his problem.

How many dcs do you have, how old are they and are they able to tidy after themselves?

Who/what is causing the mess? Tackle the root cause, not just the consequence.

What strategies have you tried to put in place and did they work?

OP, the striking thing about your post is you blame yourself entirely for the situation. That cannot be right because certain things are not within your control or are within others' control.

The key to get on top of the issue is to gain insight as to what is causing the mess in the first place and how that can be mitigated, not just by you but by others who are causing it or who can help. Also, who has the most time to devote to this, including de-cluttering and finding more storage.

Get an Alexa or other device. Use it in a similar way to the whiteboard but add reminders.

So when the batteries go in a toy tell alexa to add batteries to the shopping list. Then set a reminder to use the shopping list when you shop.

You can set reminders to repeat as well so if you are hearing, "remember to clean the bathroom" every hour you will get round to doing it.

Also remember tidy and clean are different things. Concentrate on clean not tidy.

Changed my mind🙃

Declutter, declutter, declutter - if there’s less stuff, there’s less to mess the place up. If you can’t face doing it all in one go (I couldn’t), just throw out 10 things a day - that lipstick you never use, the pot with the wonky handle, that ugly ornament you got as a gift, all of that can go. It takes a few minutes a day. After a few weeks you’ll notice how much more space you have.

My kids have done their own laundry since they were about 12. I try to get them to do a couple of jobs each a week (for which they receive pocket money) with varying degrees of success. It is good for the smooth running of the house, but also because as parents, it’s our job to turn them into functioning capable adults.

I was in this boat, turns out I was nursing a ton of childhood trauma and was stuck in the freeze response. Trauma takes a colossal amount of energy to carry and affects your sleep, which leads to a brain on survival mode. Nobody does laundry on survival mode. ADHD medication will work in the short term while you look for deeper reasons

Clean clothes, edible food, and a reasonably hygienic environment (bathroom, kitchen, clean dishes) are the top priorities. Putting fresh batteries in their toys is a low priority. It sounds like the kitchen problem is just that you forget to throw away expired veggies. As long as you don't feed them the moldy food, just throw it out when you discover it's moldy. If you can't keep on top of veggie expiration dates, move to frozen veggies so you don't have to worry about that as much. Work on the essentials first, and give yourself some grace. Cleaning when you have little kids is like shoveling snow in a snowstorm.

If I were you I'd start by reading the organised Mum method.

I go through the fridge once a week usually at the same time I'm ordering the online hop.

Your DC need to do more. DS has set jobs, DD is much better at ad hoc helping jobs.

Are there systems in place? Do they have laundry baskets in their rooms? Does everything have a place?

I saw a meme once that I feel sums it up:

"Cleaning a house when you have small children is like raking leaves in the wind"

I like to keep a tidy ship but the influx of everybody's rubbish stuff makes it a constant battle. Once upon a time women spent an entire working week cleaning their house, now we have to juggle work, family commitments etc...

I try to have a "place for everything and everything in its place" policy but it can be hard to stay on top of.

There's been lots of good advice on here so hopefully you can get on top of it. Go one step at a time, perhaps a room at a time and get to a place of maintenance. Good luck.

I wouldn’t worry about anything else on that list until you’ve absolutely cracked making sure they have clean clothes every day, whoever does it. Everything else can be caught up on but they need to be going to school (or wherever they go) washed and dressed in clean clothes, that’s non negotiable.

I’m like you. Things which help…

• declutter - throw away 70% of the crap which is lying around and never gets used.
• buy extra storage to put the remainder of stuff away properly
• set alarms on the phone to remind you to do jobs you forget to do. I have one for cleaning the blinds, watering houseplants, changing bedding etc
• remind yourself and others that you’re not the only one who can clean up

Another vote for "Decluttering at the Speed of Life" and "Keeping House while Drowning".

Its difficult to gauge from your post if this is a problem with your home, or with setting yourself unrealistic standards. Because if it only takes a day to get it 'perfect' it's not that bad to start with. Similarly it can't go from perfect to a filthy embarrassing mess in a day, so there may be something about your perception that's off. This isn't uncommon in people who grew up as you did. So desperate not to replicate their childhood home they panic at anything that looks remotely like the neglect they suffered. These people do not always become perfect housekeepers by the way. Just as often they become 'normal' housekeepers with ok but not perfect homes, who just stress more about mess because they have a terror of becoming their parent.
So...now and again finding a mouldy carrot is not the same as a fridge full of out of date unsafe food. You children's favourite outfit not always bring clean is different from sending them to school in stained smelly uniforms. Dusty skirting boards and clutter are not filthy work surfaces and uncleaned toilets. So, your first step is to get perspective on how bad it is so you know which problem you actually need to focus on, your home or your perception.

How tired are you? I used to be very on top of housework, but since son started having sleep problems and having teenagers who don't go to bed as early as they used to, I've had less and less sleep myself and the house has gone to hell over the past year or so. Don't underestimate what chronic fatigue does to your motivation, also low- level depression.

I don't keep on top of their washing so they have nice clean clothes, I don't keep the house tidy, I don't remember to get things out the cupboard or fridge before they go mouldy, I don't remember to charge their nightlights or put new batteries in their toys so they just stop using them

Bless you. How old are kids

Can you afford for a cleaner to come in and blast (I'm thinking of this as I sound similar to you in some aspects as in I have clutter /stuff) tho I am on top of washing

Do a load or two a day till on top of it

Then do three loads a week depending how many in family

Darks. Lights. Beds

Children do need clean clothes

I am not the tidiest person and I do have clutter compared to my friends but floor is hoovered and mopped and sides washed down. But I'm dreadful at Dusting

I am well known for the queen of mould amongst my friends with fridge stuff. It's not funny but I've def got better over the years

Each week before I shop i now go through fridge and Chuck anything that is past it's date.

Get some usb plugs so can charge nightlights

Batteries. Buy lots from poundshop or even Amazon is quite cheap and when they say not working change the batters for them

ADHD?

there was an article in the guardian about this…

My bathroom is the only room in my house that's always clean and tidy.

I squeegee the shower screen and dry all the metal bits every time I have a shower or use the basin, because it's easier to dry the stupid polished taps etc than to try and get the limescale off afterwards, and then I wipe the sink with the same cloth. I wrap a towel round me and by the time I've dried the surfaces, I'm dry too. A dose of bleach or toilet duck down the lav every other day, and that's done, and I sweep the floor a couple of times a week. It never seems to look dirty, so I only mop it a couple of times a month.

I can see this wouldn't work if you had a family though. When DP was alive, I used to make him have his shower first, so that it didn't matter that he was useless at cleaning (save for windows - he was good at those).

One of the benefits of living alone is that you if you clean something, you don't get some fucker coming along and messing it up a few minutes later.

The best thing I’ve heard recently is that a house is kept clean and tidy in five minutes. Meaning you can’t do one big clean and expect it to be lovely all day. It needs constant five min chunks of keeping on top of it all.

You may find the book 'How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing' helpful. It's for people who really struggle and may need to approach housework differently.

In the meantime focus on a couple of habits.

Eg
When you finish a task clean up after yourself / encourage kids to clean up after themselves.

After dinner get everyone to pitch in to clear the table and do the dishes.

Notice the locations where clutter builds up - keep an eye on it daily and see if you can set up a system to prevent it.

It's really hard to change but also small habits can make an amazing difference.

Once youve tidied it ip its really just about doing stuff right away. I never just place items wherever, always put them back exactly where they go immediately after use. This way it doesnt even start to pile up.
The key is really to not postpone anything. You might think you dont have time to replace the batteries right this moment when the kids ask and put it off, but if you think about it, its a 1min job. If you dont have batteries at that moment just make sure you at least add them to the shopping list immediately.
Theres always a minute to put used items straight back where they belong. And you will save yourself a lot of time in the long run, because you wont ever need to deep clean a really messy house.

How old are your DC? There's so much plastic crap/ stuff for the under 7s

Is it the amount of stuff or cleaning or both?

If it's both, you need to get rid of loads of stuff first - anything that hasn't been played with or worn in 18 months. Then tackle cleaning.

Washing (or rather putting it away) is my Achilles heel. I am rubbish at it and am trying to get a process to make it easier for me / us.

Messy is one thing, and as lots of others have said that’s a process you can find that works for you to get organised. You’ll get there with it. Decluttering is also a really bug
motivator.

However, dirt is entirely different. This isn’t good as the health complications from mould spores for example (a little dirt isn’t the end of the world though, so how dirty it gets is the other question). The house we moved into the people left their kids bedroom curtains and where they never cleaned it, it had black mould all on the inside of them. Couldn’t believe they didn’t simply open the windows to negate this as its health, not just it ‘looking’ nice.

You mention you can’t stay on top of washing so your children are in dirty clothes? You need to really prioritise here because sending your kids out dirty will result in all sorts of unwanted attention for them, which won’t be comfortable.

Is it possible you’re in a position to get help like a cleaner as a prioritised expense who can maybe do a couple of hours a week every fortnight or weekly? otherwise are the kids able to do more basic tasks to help (unsure of their ages, but something age appropriate. Tidying all their own toys away before bed every single evening. Kids love routine. If they hate it start a sticker chart or 10p each night or whatever motivates them if it helps you).

The fact you’re aware though is great so don’t best yourself up. All fixable, one step at a time.

I think if you have kids and/or pets the only way to keep the house clean and tidy is to have a set routine and get everyone to help
-every morning beds made, things put away, laundry put on, dishwasher emptied, full kitchen bins emptied, quick clean of the toilets
-clean/tidy as you go - no leaving dishes in the sink for later, or clothes on the floor, put blankets away when done with them, tidy kitchen table after eating
-every evening after work finish laundry, put away things left out that day, don’t let things get left on the stairs
-don’t leave the cleaning until the weekend on one midweek evening hoover , mop the floors , quickly clean the bathrooms, throw off food out of the fridge, a quick dust or maybe the ironing or food shop in the evening if someone can
-most importantly everyone helps! Toddlers can help tidy toys away with you, or help you with your jobs in a fun way, older kids 5/6+ can have set chores. Keep bedroom tidy every day (sometimes you help them, sometimes they do it on their own and are proud ) put their food dishes in the dishwasher, if they eat in their room the deal is they bring it down straight away, they could feed the animals. If husbands are at work long hours they can still help out in some way.

bottom line is, you can’t do it all on your own if everyone else is being lazy too you all need to break the habit together
AND you have to do it as you go and every day, you can’t leave it until the weekends

it is hard to change to this but once it becomes a habit things become so much easier and you feel a lot better

motivating cleaning shows or instagram accounts can really help motivate , or set a timer for 30 mins see what you can get done, I think frequently repeat the timer because I want to go get more done

a final note, having a messy house doesn’t mean you’re a crap mum. It’s so hard now working and looking after the home and raising children. Can feel like you’re failing at everything. As long as you love your kids and show them time/love that is what matters most, don’t feel too bad about the rest.

For someone struggling to get into a routine, once a week would be fine. Also if it’s a small family who are out most of the day, once a week would be fine. My bathroom sink, bath and toilet get wiped over every day and the bathroom only fully cleaned once a week and it looks perfect. OP is overwhelmed and wants to make good habits so once a week for her is better than letting it get really dirty before she cleans it.